The Long Weekend Page #4

Nothing? You've been meeting women.

I don't care about that.

In fact, I was pretty comfortable

in those priests' clothes.

I just want to save my career.

Maybe you'd do better at your job

if you just loosened up and got laid.

I'm going to the office

and I'm going to work all night.

And I'd appreciate it if you'd just let me

have that time to myself.

Sure.

Hey, whatever you need, bud.

Whatever makes you happy.

It is your birthday weekend. OK.

Hey, buddy.

Hey, I was thinking,

what if I brought some girls to the office?

Can you not get it through

your thick skull?

I don't care about getting laid.

Why? Are you gay?

You've never had a serious relationship,

so you wouldn't understand.

But me and Cathy,

what we had was something special.

It was about so much more than sex.

It was about a closeness.

It was about a Warmth that

we felt for each other.

There was nothing I wouldn't do for her,

or that she wouldn't do for me.

Because we cared about each other.

Ed, she videotaped herself

f***ing your best friend.

Give me a break, man. It's over.

No.

She could be out there somewhere now

thinking about me.

I doubt it, Ed.

Why? Is it because I'm so repulsive?

Am I such a... Am I so repugnant

that no-one wants to be with me?

No.

No, it's not that. It's just...

Well, it looks like she's spoken for.

Hey, I'm sorry, bud.

You OK?

Hey! Whoa, whoa!

Whoa, Ed!

Wait a minute!

We could at least act

like adults about this.

Take it easy. Let's go and sit down.

Just...

I just really thought

we were going to get back together.

You know, I thought she was the one.

Well, that's where you're going wrong, Ed.

I mean, you can't think

about meeting the one.

You need to start thinking about

meeting the ones.

I mean, meeting women is a numbers game.

You think I get laid a lot, and I do,

but I only sleep with a tiny percentage

of the women I actually talk to.

I mean, I'll talk to 30 women in a night.

And if one fucks me, I'm doing well,

You? You talk to two women in a month.

And if neither fucks you,

you scamper back into

your little shell and

feel sorry for yourself.

Tell me how it works.

I mean, make it work for me.

You were right. Get me laid.

That's the only way I'm

going to get over this.

What about your job?

I will work tomorrow all day,

but tonight, I just

really need to have sex.

Will you help me?

Go on, girl!

"RELISH:
Karma Calling"

"Come on you beautiful thing... "

"Take me to the city that you live in"

I don't know if this is such a good idea.

Are you crazy? This is a perfect idea.

Look at all the hot chicks, man.

I'm going to keep bringing girls around

here until you find one you like, OK?

Then tickle, tickle, pinch, pinch.

Know what I'm talking about?

So just sit back, relax, and have fun.

Hey hey!

God, I've never wanted to be a gun more

in my life.

Whoa!

Yeah!

I'm don't know if I really feel

that comfortable glorifying war.

I am.

Oh, thank you.

Takes you back, doesn't it? Oh, man!

Oh, yeah!

It is graduation day, brother.

Jesus Christ?

Holy sh*t, woman.

Haven't you ever heard of waxing?

"BOSSHOUSE:
You're Gonna Lose"

Oh, yes!

It's Uncle Sam's daughter. Outstanding!

Oh, my God, and look at those tits.

God bless America, man.

I don't know if I'm feeling

all that patriotic.

You're f***ing crazy, man.

Here. Pay the woman.

"And now, I know, whatever you do,

you're gonna lose"

No, honey, tuck it in the top.

"I'm way ahead of you.

Owww!

What? What?

Ow!

Oh, real cool, fellows. Come on.

You know she's got more to worry about

than paper cuts down there.

Hey, this doesn't happen

in Japan, my friend.

It really doesn't.

Thoroughly angry.

Ed, did you see the reaction

you got out of that woman?

Phenomenal! Great start, buddy.

That in there, that's not

what I'm looking for.

Have you ever heard the expression,

"Give a man a fish and

he'll eat for a day, but

teach a man to fish and

he'll eat forever"?

You want to learn how to fish?

No.

I want to learn how to

pick up a woman legitimately.

I don't want to have to pay someone

to sleep with me.

I know, buddy. I know.

I'll teach you how.

I'll teach you how to pick up women.

I'm your bro. You can count on me.

You got tonight only.

Well, not laid tonight only,

but I want you to teach me.

Tonight is your night. I mean, it's

your birthday weekend, get it going.

I'm the student. You're the Sensi.

I will show you the path

to vagina enlightenment.

Excuse me. You're putting your

whites in with your colours.

Is that bad?

Well, it is if you don't want all

your whites coming out pink.

Oh, really?

I'm such a moron.

.. Do my own laundry.

You were in Somalia?

I would love to talk to you about that.

Let me help you.

And that is why Aids is a clear example

of God punishing the blacks and the gays.

- Tell me, do you...

- Don't even get me started on the Jews.

Ooh!

That's me done.

- Got to go.

- Well, ehh...

Want to get a drink or something?

I'd love to. Ed?

I don't see how the gym's going to be

any better than the Laundromat.

Well, we got tumble dryers on low,

or big, sweaty, bouncing tits in a leotard.

Oh, my God, look at her

I bet she uses Kamasutra as a cool down.

All right. You're up, iron man. Go get her.

Come on, on the treadmill. Go, go, go.

Aagh!

Tough break, bro, but you know what?

No worries.

You know what women love

more than anything?

Men with babies. We're going to get a baby.

Let's skip the babies.

Yeah, good idea.

I don't know anything about babies, anyway.

- Come on. I got a better idea.

- Watch it, I tore my sack.

Beggars can't be choosers, buddy.

And stay positive, Ed.

We're doing great here, man.

I'm not sure about this.

Check her out.

Look how she works that olive.

That's fantastic.

You want to get laid, don't you?

Not that badly.

Dude, dude. Here.

Here's your chance. Go.

Go. Light her cigarette. Go. Be suave.

Can I offer you a light?

A gentleman.

You're a rare breed.

Sorry.

You a Scotch drinker? I bet you are.

Ooh, ooh!

Have you ever been to Japan?

Okinawa? No? Oh, it's beautiful there.

Ifs a lot like this. You could Wear that.

Maybe Tahiti, something like that?

Are you ticklish?

Put it out!

Good as new. Good as new.

Can I buy you another drink?

That's it, I'm done. I'm done.

I scraped the bottom of the barrel,

and the bottom of the barrel rejected me.

All right. Ifs time for a stiff drink.

Go home. Get a good night's sleep.

Wake up in the morning and work like a dog.

Thanks, Randy. Appreciate it.

Keep them coming, will you?

"THE HOUSEMARTINS: Build"

Vodka tonic.

"Clambering men in big bad boots"

"Dug up my den, dug up my roots... "

Thanks.

"They build us up and knocked us down"

The guy at the end of the bar.

Thanks.

"From Meccano to LEGOLAND"

"Here they come with e

brick in their hand"

"Men with heads filled up with sand"

"Ifs build"

Can I buy you a drink?

No, thanks.

I'm kidding.

I'll have a Cosmopolitan.

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