The Long Weekend Page #5

And a Cosmopolitan for the lady.

So... what brings you here?

My brother's ehm...

Gone. Nice.

You? What brings you here?

My date.

But it looks like he stood me up.

He's an idiot if he has.

Thanks.

Hey. Here's to bad dates.

You had some?

Some? I've had them all.

Dating should be outlawed.

Amen.

They should just bring

back arranged marriages.

Couldn't raise the divorce

rate much higher.

If we women didn't have to bother

trying to find, meet and attract men,

it would free up, what, 50 hours a week?

Easily.

And imagine what you women could achieve

with that kind of extra time.

Are you kidding?

There'd be a Bloomingdale's on Mars.

"Build a house where we can stay"

"Build... "

To being friends and nothing more.

Ditto.

You live here?

Temporarily.

My apartment is being repainted.

I hope your apartment done soon.

Damn it I'm out of coffee, Ed.

That's OK.

Coffee would keep me up all night.

Will this... keep you up all night?

"THE MANHATTANS:

All I Need Is Your Love"

"All I need is your love"

"All I need is your love"

"All right"

"I don't want no real fine car"

"I got a little money, it'll take me far"

"I don't want no riches and fame"

- Stop! Police!

- I'm arresting you for soliciting.

Are you crazy? She's not a prostitute.

Wait outside for ten... three minutes,

and... maybe we can work something out.

There's been some sort of misunderstanding.

I'm not supposed to be in here.

Me too.

This is a miscarriage of justice.

They said I was drunk.

If I was drunk,

my breath would smell of booze.

How does my breath smell?

I'm here to bail out my brother, Ed Waxman.

Fill in these forms.

You got a pretty mouth.

Sh*t, Cooper, please hurry.

Well, you know, in Japan,

I'm like Brad Pitt.

Seriously.

You smell nice.

Hey, you like sushi?

I bet you f*** like a bunny.

Keep those cuffs when you're off duty?

Faraday. Don't you have

some crimes to solve?

Sorry, sir.

Brad Pitt, you done with those forms yet?

There you go, my good sir.

Now, why don't you go be a peach

and get my brother out of there?

I'll be outside.

Is there an Ed Waxman here?

Your bail's been posted.

I'm Ed Waxman.

Did you come in with any ID?

- No, I lost my wallet.

- Really?

I can assure you I'm Ed Waxman.

Just let me out.

Oh, stop.

I am Ed Waxman.

That's bullshit.

- Bullshit.

- Can you prove it?

Of course he can't prove it.

He's not Ed Waxman.

I prefer Edward, actually.

And here's the proof.

Out you come.

Stand back from the door.

He's wearing my shirt! I had it on.

I wear an undershirt all the time,

and I don't have one on right now.

That's the shirt I wiped my ass with.

I had Mexican food?

Here's your brother.

Where?

There.

That's not my brother.

Well, he was positively ID'd.

Well, you released the wrong guy.

Now go inside and get my brother.

There's nothing more I can do.

Come back in the morning and sort it out

with the Lieutenant. Night, night.

Where are you taking me?

I'm taking you to an overnight cell.

- Come here, b*tch.

- I can't...

- Hey, cocksucker!

- ... spend the night in here.

Sweetmeat.

Well, it ain't the Holiday Inn, but...

No, it's err...

That's great. Thanks.

Who is this guy?

Some jerk that got caught with a pro.

Feel sorry for him.

I know you from somewhere.

No, I don't think so.

You're the pervert!

- What?

- You were at the park this morning.

Propositioned a woman.

Apparently he gets turned on

by horse erections.

When I approached the suspect, he ran.

Did you do that?

Well, I ran away, but it

wasn't because of the...

All right! I've heard enough.

No, but...

Pervert

I'm not a pervert! Come on.

I'm not a pervert!

Hello.

What are you in for?

I had a misunderstanding with a prostitute.

I didn't even...

I was... What are you in for?

Biggest black market

Viagra dealer in America.

Oh.

But their case doesn't stand a chance.

I managed to swallow most of my stash

before they could impound it.

You look nervous.

- You nervous?

- No.

There is no reason we can't be friends.

You look like a reasonable individual.

So there's no reason to be nervous, because

we just got to respect each other's space.

The personal boundaries.

The... The space. The boundaries.

The per... The personal boundaries.

Cooper Cooper.

Cooper.

OK Waxman.

You're being released.

Tray saved your ass this time, huh?

Work. Got to go to work.

Jesus, man.

You're in no shape to go to the office.

Come on.

You can come with me on

a little car ride, OK?

Come on. Watch your dome, there.

Oh. Ed, watch your head.

Come on. Get in there.

Get in there. There you go, buddy.

Hold on to that.

So, how'd you get arrested

in the first place?

I still don't understand it.

I met a nice girl.

She invites me back to her place,

and it turns out she's a prostitute.

What, did she ask you for money?

No. That's the weird part.

I thought you got the financial bit

out of the way first.

Yeah, yeah.

That's the way I've always done it.

Do you know what this means?

What?

She was off duty.

She must've really liked you.

Ed, a prostitute that's

willing to give it away

for free is worth at

least two normal girls.

- Really?

- Hell, yeah, man!

You are a stud, my friend.

A total stud.

And that Kim... God, was she nectar, huh?

She was hot. She really was.

I mean, you should have seen...

How'd you know her name?

You told me.

No, I didn't.

So how did you know her name was Kim?

Well, she looked like a Kim.

I mean, she had very Kimesque features.

You paid her, didn't you?

You paid her in advance.

That's why she didn't ask for the money.

No, I didn't. Hey, Ed, that's ludicrous!

I was trying to build your self-esteem.

Am I so pathetic that a

woman's not going to

sleep with me without

financial incentive?

Come on. That's not what I meant.

Listen, you and I both know

someday we'll look at this

as brothers and laugh.

You shitbag! Do you have any

idea what I've been through?

I was just trying to help.

Help?

Help? You helped me get

a criminal record...

when all I wanted to do

was go to the office and save my career.

And now that's gone, too.

I should have never listened to you.

Why...

Ed, I think we need to

take a little breath here.

I mean, it's just a job.

At least I've had a job

in my lifetime, Coop.

You've accomplished nothing.

Nothing?

Ed, in Japan, this is

the eighth-most-recognized Western face.

And one day they're going to replace

that face, and you'll have nothing.

And you'll be nothing.

Because you've tried nothing.

Hey, well, f*** you!

Oh, sh*t. I'm sorry, Ed.

F***.

Just leave me alone.

- Hey, Ed, what are you doing?

- Going home.

I really think somebody

should take a look at that cut, man.

You know what? I don't care what you think.

All right? I'm really serious right now.

I don't want to see your face.

Hey, Ed. Let's talk about this, man.

Hey, don't walk away.

I'm sorry you didn't get laid, man.

I'm sorry nobody wanted to sleep with you.

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