The Luck of the Irish Page #4

when you tip hatcheck girls.

- Gives them ideas.

- Well, she gave me a couple.

Oh!

Taxi, sir?

- Yes, please.

- Well, where are we going?

- Home.

- Oh, but it's so early.

Listen. I got no sleep

on that plane.

It's me for that modernistic little

nightmare that your father picked out for me.

- Just what do you mean, "nightmare"?

- Wait till you see it.

I'll tell you. There was a painting

over the fireplace.

You don't mean to tell me

that you had something-

Yes, darling, I do. But that's all right.

Don't apologize.

It's nothing to me that I slaved for three

whole days to make a nice place for you. L-

- What did you do with the painting?

- It's in the bathtub.

The bathtub. Hmm.

What else?

- Well, I- I just rearranged a few things.

- Oh, you did.

There was a table by the fire

that I moved around on the other side.

Then there was

a lady and gentleman-

Yes. We'll just go right up there

and re-rearrange them back again-

- the table and chair- 16 Beekman Place,

please. - I don't think you need to.

- I'm quite tired. L-

- Oh, yes, Fitz. We do. Really, we do.

- You heard her, brother.

- Yes, sir. I heard the lady.

- Little more to the right. That's right. Ah. There.

- Whoop.

- There. That's fine.

- Huh.

Now, really, Fitz,

don't you like it?

Oh, it's absolutely breathtaking.

- What's it supposed to be?

- It's called Germinal, 1948.

- Hmm.

- It's the coal strike.

- Oh, really?

- Mm-hmm.

I thought it was Venus

rising from the waves.

Oh. Fitz, it's by a very

promising young artist.

I'm arranging a show for him.

- You're a busy little thing, aren't you?

- Just what do you mean by that?

Oh, arranging shows,

decorating apartments...

convincing your father

that he needed a ghostwriter.

- I didn't say I had a thing to do with that.

- No. I know.

But I suspected it

as soon as I got his cable.

- So, what are you going to do? Resign?

- No.

No, I'm gonna do the job

that I was hired to do.

But I would like to know

what it's going to cost me.

Not a thing, darling.

It was sheer altruism on my part.

- Altruism? All of a sudden you're

an altruist. - Well, don't you think-

- I think that I need a drink.

- Shall I tell you why I hate you?

- No, I-

- 'Cause all the time you were away...

you kept coming between me

and whatever I was doing.

Because I saw your face

in crowds, in the street...

in my mirror when I was

alone in my room...

because I ate, dreamt,

slept, lived you-

you and your black magic.

I hate every inch of you. I hate your

superiority, your black Irish eyes...

and your arrogant nose.

What was that?

Oh, it must be the door.

- Oh, yes?

- I'm from the Acme Employment Agency, sir.

Oh, the, uh-

- Well, come in. Come in.

- Yes, sir.

Kitchen's right in there, if you don't, uh,

mind waiting for a minute or so.

Fine time of night

to be sending people over.

Well, did you say

you wanted him tonight?

No. Must have been

your father's secre-

Oh, well, that explains it.

The well-known Augur efficiency.

Fitz, what is it?

Fitz.

Haven't I seen you someplace before?

I wouldn't rightly know, sir.

It depends on where you've been.

I've been to a great many places,

including Ireland.

Indeed, sir?

- Where'd you come from?

- The Acme Employment Agency, sir.

- Before that.

- Me last place, sir.

- Where was that?

- Oh, there were no complaints, sir.

No complaints at all. I take great pride

in my work and joy in my service.

- What on earth's the matter?

- That man.

I have a feeling I've seen him

someplace before.

Oh, well, he probably worked for

one of your friends or something.

You know, these servants get around.

Yes, I guess that must be it.

- Well, I'm gonna have that drink.

- Good.

- I bought your favorite brand of scotch. Here.

- Well. Where'd you hide it?

I'll find it for you.

It's right down here.

- There it is.

- Ah, you think of everything, don't you?

- Mm-hmm.

- Bourbon too?

Bourbon too.

Two cases in the kitchen.

- What else?

- This.

Can I help you, sir?

Uh, yes.

- Mix us a drink.

- A drink.

Yes, sir. Right away.

Never mind the drink, Fitz.

I'm going.

- There's too much traffic in here.

- It is a little crowded.

- See you home?

- No, don't bother. I'll take a cab.

I'm sorry about that man of mine.

Oh, everyone's having servant problems

these days.

Take me to lunch tomorrow?

- I'll stop by your office tomorrow.

- Fine. Good night.

- You can throw that one away now.

- Yes, sir.

Throw it away, sir?

Couldn't you drink it yourself, sir?

Ah, 'tis a great pity.

One should not waste

good food, one should not.

- It's only one drink.

- Still, it'll save a man from freezing to death...

or dying from fatigue, it could.

All right. All right.

Drink it yourself.

Well-

If you insist, sir.

- To your good health, sir.

- Sit down.

Yes, sir.

Sit down. Sit down.

- The agency sent you, hmm?

- Yes, sir.

- What can you do?

- Oh, anything you have a mind for me to do, sir.

I can cook, clean, take care of your

clothes. Anything at all, at all.

What would one call you?

Well, you might call me Horace.

I've always had a fancy to be called Horace.

- Horace. If that's your name, we'll call you Horace.

- Thank you, sir.

What about your salary?

Oh, that's all been

taken care of, sir.

Oh, Mr. Augur's office.

Horace, you-you made that too strong.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir. You'll have to be

patient with me till I know your taste.

And another thing.

I don't like to be disturbed

when I have visitors.

- Always knock on the door before you come in.

- Yes, sir. I'll keep it in mind.

I think that's all. You can finish

your drink and then go to bed.

Thank you, sir.

That's too strong for you, hmm?

Hmm. I'll throw it away.

And what can I do for you?

I'm from the Acme Employment Agency.

I was told there's a position

for a gentleman's gentleman.

You're too late.

The position's filled.

I demand to see the master.

And what would you be telling him?

That you got the sack from your last place

for getting into the port?

Not to mention pinching the parlormaid

till the poor girl was black-and-blue.

Away with you, you omadhaun,

or you'll feel the back of my hand.

- Good morning, sir.

- Good morning, Horace.

- Who was that?

- Oh. Nobody at all, at all.

Just make yourself comfortable.

I'll have your breakfast here before

you can say Michael McGillicuddy.

- Horace, has the paper arrived?

- I'll get it for you, sir.

- Horace.

- Sir?

What are we doing

with all this milk?

- What milk, sir?

- The milk.

I thought you might have a cat.

Now, Horace-

- I'll get your paper, sir.

- Look here, Horace.

I'll go and-

I'll answer that.

Sorry to disturb you,

Mr. Fitzgerald.

- Was your milk delivered this morning?

- Yes.

Two homogenized, one coffee cream

and a pound of butter?

Yes. I guess so.

Why do you ask?

- Why, everybody else missed their deliveries.

- I don't get it.

I left it on every doorstep

as per schedule.

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