The Making of the Life and Death of Peter Sellers Page #4

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- Iddle i po!

Mike, put that down. Put it down, please.

Thank you.

Go to your room.

Oh, Bert, you swine.

Here it is, here it is.

Welcome to my humble chapeau.

God.

I don't seem to be able to get it in.

What's going on?

Good evening, Mr Sellers.

Oh, Christ!

You nearly gave me a heart attack.

You're a hard man to get ahold of.

- Not really.

- Oh, God.

Linda, I'd like you to meet Stanley Kubrick.

It's nice to meet you.

So, er, Columbia won't let me

make my next picture without you.

Awfully insightful of them.

What's the part?

All of them.

What, the whole film?

You can destroy the world, Peter.

Fine. I can hear you now, Dmitri,

clear and plain and coming through fine.

Yes, it's good that you're fine and I'm fine.

And I agree with you, it's great to be fine.

Now, then, Dmitri...

You know how we've always talked

about the possibility of something

going wrong with the bomb?

The hydrogen bomb.

Now, what happened is,

one of our base commanders,

he had a sort of...

Well, he went a little funny in the head.

Just a little funny.

You know, and he went and did a silly thing.

Oh, now, don't be mad at me, Dmitri.

Remember that time

we were dancing with Natalia?

You remember Natalia,

the girl with the huge... arthritic problem.

Sorry, Stan.

I can assure you...

I can assure you, Major Bat Guano -

if that is indeed your name -

if you don't put that gun away

and stop this nonsense,

the court inquiry is gonna come down

on you like a ton of bricks.

The court inquiry is gonna...

give you such a pranging.

- Mr Sellers.

- Hilary.

- What happened to my luncheon?

- Your mother's here.

Shall I tell her you're in make-up?

No, I'll be right there.

You missed Sarah's birthday.

Peter, you know the press

pay a lot of attention to that sort of thing.

You know, liebchen,

that is not chicken that you are eating.

Anyway, I told the man at The Times

that you were busy filming,

that you'd sent your love and nothing was

more important to you than your children.

I think he was satisfied with that.

Sarah made you that.

Eat your lunch.

You know, in ze comink years,

ze nuclear family as we know it

will have ceased to exist.

All human requirements...

will be dealt with cleanly and efficiently.

Nourishment.

Leisure pastimes.

Sexual partners.

All zeez problems

vill be regulated by ze state.

So you see there will be no need for food.

Or mothers...

How was lunch with your son, Mrs Sellers?

I don't know, really. I didn't see him.

- Anybody home?

- In here.

- Hello, you.

- Annie, Annie darling.

- Sarah Sellers?

- I'm Sarah.

Oh. There you go, then, deary.

Let's have a look.

"For Sarah. Maybe one day

I'll teach you to ride it. Love, Daddy."

Just sign here, madam.

Go and have a look, love. Thanks.

"Boys. Boy, I say, boy. I say, boy.

"Boys, let's get this on the hump.

We got some flyin' to do."

- Flatter.

- I'm not playing a bomber pilot.

What can I do with that,

crammed in there? Oh, look.

Let me just hear it again.

Three characters is enough.

Three is a good number.

- You're being paid for four.

- You're stretching me too thin.

Who do you think I am?

I think you're whoever I want you to be.

Then who am I now?

Peter, have you ever heard

of Mutually Assured Destruction?

Hum a few bars and I'll join in.

It refers to when both sides

in an atomic conflict are so powerful

that if either side were to take action,

it would inevitably result

in the total annihilation of all concerned.

I find this concept

can be applied to many situations.

You're a peculiar f***er, Stan.

Wait. Peter...

Peter...

Can we have the ladders, please?

Finish off this painting.

You've got no idea what it's like to be me.

We haven't got time for that.

Absolute control is a useful thing.

Eliminate the personal element...

and you can get so much more done.

This was a realisation

that Peter Sellers never had to face...

because there was

no person there to begin with.

He was a vessel

into which characters

and personalities ran like phantoms.

But even an empty vessel can become too full.

I'm not getting it!

I'm useless!

Sarah, your father is a useless,

talentless, empty man. Did you know that?

Yes, Daddy.

Right, then.

- Dad?

- Use the other loo, Mike. I'm busy.

I don't have to go, Dad.

Please open the door.

- What d'you want?

- Are you all right?

No. I'm not all right. I'm not all right at all.

I can't find the voice for Major King Kong.

That's all I'm hired for.

I can't find it because it's not there!

- Dad.

- Your dad doesn't exist!

Where's the bloody Seconal?

Dad. When I didn't want

to play rugby at school,

I said I was sick when I wasn't.

They let me sit in the nurse's office.

She was very pretty.

Was she?

Morning, Stan.

I'm afraid I had a spot of bother

getting out of a cab last night.

Damned nuisance.

The doctor assures me

it's only a hairline crack.

Just don't let the insurance chaps find out.

Blake Edwards has got this new Panther script

and Sellers is waffling,

so if you could help convince him to do it...

Exactly. What?

Blake Edwards.

My girl will wire the money today.

What's the account?

The Midland Bank, Mayfair branch.

Account number 462501.

Right. Thanks.

Not at all. Pleasure doing business with you.

Oh, a word of advice -

don't even think of driving

a red or a white car this weekend.

Not at all.

So...

Pink Panther.

No. No, too obvious.

Blake Edwards.

B.E.

Well, hooray for Hollywood.

That's extraordinary. Peter, this is good news.

You're going to become involved

with a very special person.

It's going to spawn a very fruitful partnership.

I'm even getting the initials.

It's... Ah! V-E.

It's V-P... V-E.

V-P, V-E. No! B... B-E.

Peter, you must not let this person go.

Destiny's already written this chapter.

You must act positively.

Yeah? So, say with me, "B-E."

Mr Sellers, sir?

God. What?

Mr Sellers, are you in there?

- Mr Sellers?

- Go away.

- Are you sure you're all right, sir?

- Yes, I am.

Just take your fresh fruit

and shove it up your arse.

Righto, sir. Thank you very much, sir.

Britt Ekland.

Hello, Britt. You must be Britt.

You're Britt Ekland!

I'm Peter.

Peter Sellers. But call me Peter.

Baby.

Oh, sorry.

B-E.

PS. That's nice.

I like Swedes. Mashed.

Hello.

I'm Peter. Peter Sellers.

Like you, I didn't have much on this evening

and I wanted to know

if you'd like to go and see a movie.

I think I'm in love with you.

But you've just met me.

Then it's still fresh in my mind.

Cookie?

Yes, please.

That is very, very good. Just look here. Super.

Super. Yes, that's... Now, just look here.

Look here. Good. Very nice.

I'll come in closer.

It's all right, I've met this sofa.

We're on intimate terms.

Work with me. That is good.

Thinks, "Must take up photography

as full-time job."

Now I need to get in closer.

Come the full length.

Yeah. Mind if I sit here?

Oh, God, I haven't felt leather like this

on my thighs since the Third Reich.

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