The Man from Earth: Holocene Page #3

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It's just life.

And...

Well, this brings it home.

Do you ever regret not having kids, John?

Look, I'm...

I'm sorry.

I don't mean to pry.

(STUTTERS) Don't be sorry.

It's difficult to discuss.

Yeah.

What isn't?

Say, you wanna go have a real drink?

I can't. I have to go home

and cook Carolyn dinner.

But congratulations,

Dr. Parker.

I couldn't be more happy for you.

(KNIFE CLATTERS)

(KNOCKING)

It's open.

- For Carolyn?

- Mm-hmm.

- Coffee table is fine.

- Okay.

So, about those books...

They're in the den.

Grab all you want.

Have you given that dinner

any further thought?

You could bring Professor Kittriss.

Obviously.

We'll see.

Well... Thanks, Professor.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, and please tell Ms. Kittriss

I said good night.

I will.

(DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)

- Mm. Smells great.

- Thanks.

It's getting harder and harder to find

anything that isn't loaded with mercury,

or farm raised in filthy water.

(CAROLYN CHUCKLES)

Thank God we still have Pop Tarts.

Miracles.

All around us.

(CAROLYN CHUCKLES)

CAROLYN:
Mm.

- How was your day?

- As always. This is the highlight.

I was thinking

of going hunting this weekend.

I'm starting to forget

what real food tastes like.

(SIGHS) I thought you

could come with me to the

Hillary and Rob thing.

You know, she's feeling

really down lately, and

we thought a party would cheer her up.

Hosting parties always stresses her out.

But, you know.

People. Laughing.

Carrying on.

I don't know.

I think I need some time alone.

You're the king of "alone", John.

- Why not give the opposite a chance?

- I have.

Doesn't work so well for me.

Okay.

I know.

- I'm gonna go change.

- Good.

(FOOTSTEPS DEPART)

(MUSIC PLAYING ON

THE HEADPHONES)

(SIGHS DEEPLY) - God, you scared the crap out of me.

- Sorry.

You didn't miss anything.

Typical Delta Psi party.

Just pack as many people as you can into

a room and spray them down with beer.

Figuratively speaking, I hope?

Uh, for the most part.

What's that?

Book on early man

I borrowed from Professor Young.

Ooh.

How did it go?

Well, I asked again about dinner.

Told him he could bring Professor Kittriss.

Ugh. What for?

Last thing we need is another chick.

Anyway, this guy Jenkins is

an archeologist

with a lot of field work under his belt.

The book is really really good.

But the spine wasn't even cracked,

although it's personally signed.

He's cute.

Or was.

"To my dear friend John Oldman."

Wait, what?

I know, right? Maybe he was kidding.

"Old man" instead of "young"?

It's dated May 2007.

So that would make Professor Young, like,

thirty-three maybe.

Exactly. You're not gonna

call an old man "old man".

You're call a young guy that.

It's like calling a big guy "tiny".

Yeah, but it's not "old man".

It's "Oldman".

- And maybe it's Kittriss's book.

- Yeah, maybe.

So who's this Jenkins guy?

Let's go to the Interwebs.

Let's see.

Arthur M. Jenkins.

Taught at Santa Clarita University.

Zillion archeology digs.

Oh, academic awards.

Blah, blah, blah...

He wrote some other books.

Ooh.

But this last one...

Jeez.

- What?

- "The Longest Night:

My Conversation with the Man From Earth"

about the night he spent

with a university professor

named John Oldman who claimed

to be 14,000 years old.

And the comments are...

Scathing puts it mildly.

Yikes.

"...Longest Night would merely be

melodramatic sci-fi nonsense, but

the author presents this hokum as non-fiction

and thus abandons any academic authority

he may have once possessed."

Ouch.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, get this one:

"Offensive to the religious

and non-religious alike,

Jenkins asks us to believe

that the savior himself

is a practicing Buddhist

who walks among us

in the guise of a handsome,

mild-mannered university professor."

Well, that sounds like Professor Young.

And he knows everything about Buddhism.

But, like, the Savior?

Like, Jesus?

He could totally be my own, personal Jesus.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Well, we are totally getting this book.

(OBJECT CLATTERS)

Like a thief in the night.

(JOHN EXHALES)

I woke you, I'm sorry.

I must be getting out of practice.

At being sneaky?

Stealthy.

You really have to go?

We could spend the whole weekend in bed.

And go to Hillary and Rob's thing?

- Fair trade, isn't it?

- I'm going stir crazy, Carolyn.

I hate when you disappear.

I know, it's just something's...

Something's not right.

I'm not bouncing back

the way I'm used to doing.

Well, it's called "getting older".

But if you insist on

stomping around the woods like a cave man...

I suppose it's a better

mid-life-crisis thing to do than,

I dunno, buying a motorcycle and...

taking off with some student. Right?

Then I'd better try and get back

that deposit I put down on the Ducati.

I'll see you.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(ENGINE SHUTS OFF)

(ADVENTUROUS MUSIC KEEPS PLAYING)

(BIRDS SINGING)

- Hey.

- Hey.

- Come in.

- Thanks.

- Hey, Liko.

- Hey.

PHILIP'S MOM:

Hey, you kids want anything to eat?

Oh, no.

Thanks, Mom, we're good.

- Yeah, I want something, Mrs. Nichols.

- Yeah, me too.

They're kidding.

Thanks, Mom.

Will you knock it off, man?

Oh, my God.

She's adorable, by the way.

Alright, so what's so, uh, earth-shattering?

- Uh... Can we...?

- Yeah.

- Yeah, I want with pickles and mustard.

- All right, you.

We're fine.

(GRUNTS)

So, what's up?

For ten years, this guy,

Arthur M. Jenkins,

taught at Santa Clarita University

alongside a history professor

named John Oldman.

Then one night, this Oldman guy

gathers his professor friends

and tells them that he's

really 14,000 years old.

He was born a caveman,

somehow became immortal. He knew

Columbus, Vincent Van Gogh,

all this crazy stuff.

He would always use the name John,

often with a pun for a last name.

Stay in one place for ten years or so,

until people started

realizing he didn't age.

Lived under hundreds of identities,

(CHUCKLING)

including, wait for it...

- Jesus of Nazareth.

- Wait, what?

(MUSIC STARTS PLAYING)

He'd lived for thousands of years, you know,

never aging, never dying,

traveling the world...

- Studying with the Buddha...

- ...until one day he set up shop in Jerusalem

and started preaching.

Yadda-yadda-yadda, he gets crucified,

his wounds heal, he sneaks off and...

we have Christianity.

By accident.

What do you mean, "Yadda-yadda-yadda,

we have Christianity"? You can't just...

It's science fiction, all right?

People write speculative fiction

about Jesus all the time.

You should see what they

write about Kirk and Spock.

Better yet, you shouldn't.

But he said that it's a true story. See?

Says right there, "non-fiction".

Oh, well, then it must be true.

There are plenty of alien abduction books

in the non-fiction section.

Look, I checked up on Arthur Jenkins.

Okay?

He was a tenured archeology professor,

published a pile of books.

The real deal.

And then this one came out

and he got laughed off the planet.

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