The Man Who Would Be King Page #2

- We want to ask you a favour.

- Another favour?

Calm down, we've never taken

advantage of a fellow in the craft.

We don't want money,

just a little time...

...a look at a book or two,

a study of your maps.

We'll take a drink, but if not,

we won't mind.

Peachy is as sober as I am.

It's important you have no doubts.

So we'll take one of your cigars

apiece, and you shall watch us...

...light up.

And now, sir...

...let me introduce you to Brother

Peachy Carnehan, which is him...

...and Brother Daniel Dravot,

which is I.

The less said about our jobs,

the better. We've been most things.

We've been all over India. We know

her cities, jungles, jails and passes.

We have decided

she isn't big enough for us.

The commissioner said that.

We're going to another place...

...where a man isn't crowded

and can come into his own.

We're not little men,

so we're going away to be kings.

- Kings of Kafiristan.

- Oh, Kafiristan.

We hear they have two and 30 idols

there. So we'll be the 33rd and 34th.

It's a place of warring tribes,

meaning a land of opportunity...

...for such who can train

and lead men in battle.

We'll go there

and say to any chief we find:

"Want to vanquish your foes?"

He'll say, "Of course, do it."

We'll fight for him, make him king

and then subvert him.

We'll seize his royal throne

and loot the country.

How's that for a plan?

You're both out of your minds!

To start with...

...the only way to get there

is through Afghanistan.

Kafiristan? No, no, no.

Two white men would be cut to pieces

five miles into the Khyber Pass.

Just suppose we managed it.

Just suppose.

And suppose we got across

the Afghan plains, then what?

There's the Hindu Kush,

a frozen sea of peaks and glaciers.

A party of geographers tried several

years ago and vanished into thin air.

No white man has ever been there

and come out since Alexander.

Alexander who?

Alexander the Great, king of Greece.

If a Greek can do it, we can do it.

Right.

I can only repeat,

you're a pair of lunatics!

Would a pair of lunatics

draw up a contract like this?

"This contract between us, pursuing

and witnesseth in the name of God.

One:
We will settle this together,

i.e., to be kings of Kafiristan.

Two:
We will not, while this

is being settled, look at liquor...

...or any woman, so as to get mix ed

up with one or the other harmful.

Three:
We act

with dignity and discretion.

If one is in trouble, the other stays

by him. Signed by us this day."

There's no need for the last article,

but it's got a ring to it.

Daniel.

Now, you witness it and it's legal.

Well, gentlemen,

it's 4 in the morning.

Don't stand on politeness. If you want

to go to bed, we won't steal anything.

Thank you.

We'll send word when we're ready

to go, if you want to say goodbye.

Yes. Well, try not to burn

the place down.

Here we are.

"Kafiristan. 10, 000 square miles.

Mountainous terrain.

Religion unknown. Population unknown.

Conquered by Alexander in 328 B.C.

According to Herodotus,

he defeated King Oxyartes...

...whose daughter Roxanne

he subsequently took to wife."

You buy from me,

I give you good price.

Very cheap, very nice things for you,

especially for you, sir.

Our forward continuance is impeded

by this fellow, who is begging...

...you will accompany him that he may

show you a rare and wonderful thing.

- What thing?

- He would not say what thing.

Therefore, I suspect

his bad intentions...

...to entice you into

a house of disreputation...

...where he will take you,

kill you, murder you...

...cut your throat and rob the money

from your pockets also.

Crikey!

- Wait at the office!

- Sir, please!

Myself, I will take you

to a loving house.

You will be very happy

and delightful...

Morning to you, brother.

Glad you caught the performance.

What do you think?

It's convincing,

but what are you rascals up to now?

Last week it was kings

you were to be, of Kafiristan.

- We've gotta get there first.

- Madness is a trick.

Who'd hurt some poor crazy priest

and his servant?

Peachy worked this out.

We've used it before.

He talks, while I act dumb.

I can clown pretty good now.

I can twitch to put the fear

into any good Muslim.

I can froth at the mouth.

Want to see?

- I can imagine.

- All right, some other time perhaps.

Come over here.

Give it a touch-up down here.

- Rifles?

- Twenty Martinis, and ammunition.

Cost us every sou we got

out of the rajah of Degumber.

Good heavens!

You mean you went back there?

Of course, Brother Kipling.

God help you

if you're caught with those!

Gunrunning isn't exactly new to us.

Well, Brother Kipling,

goodbye and many thanks.

Man, don't do it!

The odds are too great.

Wish us luck. We met upon the level.

And we're parting on the square.

Good luck, indeed.

Come along, you ugly beast.

Wait!

Here. Take this.

Last time Danny and me came through

the Khyber Pass, we fought our way...

...yard by bloody yard...

...and General Bobbs

called us heroes afterwards.

But that was years ago.

Times have changed.

- Blast! Look who's on sentry!

- Mulvaney!

That loudmouthed mick

from the Black Tyrone!

Private Mulvaney! Come to attention

when I am addressing you!

Slope arms!

Present! March!

Mark time!

At the double!

Corporal of the guard!

Take three men and put

Private Mulvaney under arrest!

Bloody man's drunk again!

We came through the Khyber

with that caravan...

...doing all sorts of antics

to amuse the people.

At night, he told them their fortunes

in a tongue of his own...

...and I translated.

And all concerned were happy...

...because I promised them

all their wishes would come true.

Then at Jaedallak we turned off

towards Kafiristan.

They were sad to see us leave

the caravan. We'd brought it good luck.

Two she-camels had foaled and there

was no sniping at us from the hills.

They waved goodbye to the mad priest

and his servant.

And Danny danced them out of sight.

The country was deserty.

The inhabitants were dispersed, solitary.

We travelled by night

and kept away from villages.

We didn't want to waste ammunition

in idle fighting with Afghans.

The Pushtukan.

A wavy blue line on the map, but we

couldn't hope to get camels across.

So Peachy says,

"It doesn't matter what they cost...

...we'll trade them for goats.

We're playing for high stakes."

Major McCrimmon bet me 10 bob he could

blow up a goat skin in one breath.

He did. Though he'd sat down

on an anthill in his kilt unknowing.

Ten shillings was ten shillings

to McCrimmon!

Mules.

Now, the problem is...

...how to divide five Afghans

from three mules...

...and have two Englishmen left over.

- Shoot them.

No. The mules would bolt.

Sit over there, Danny.

So we starts forward into those

bitter cold mountainous parts...

...and never a path broader

than the back of your hand.

The mountains was tall and white...

...like wild rams,

they was always fighting...

...so you couldn't sleep

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