The Man Who Would Be King Page #3

for the din of their fighting.

For God's sake, Danny, pipe down.

- Why? Who's going to hear us?

- These mountains, that's who.

- You wanna start an avalanche?

- You don't believe that, I hope.

If a king can't sing,

it ain't worth being king.

The country was mountainous...

...and the mules was most contrary.

They all died but one.

And she died later on.

Danny went snow-blind

and clung to jenny's tail.

Up and up we went,

and down and down.

Through defiles and over snowy saddles

till all at once...

...two giants stood in our way.

God's holy trousers.

What's the matter?

Blokes twice our size standing

guarding the snow, like. Two of them.

Give them a round apiece.

Not a move out of them.

Stay put.

I'll reconnoitre.

They're not real, thank God.

They're horrible.

Put there by the Kafiris

to frighten the neighbours.

Peachy, that means

we're in Kafiristan. Or almost.

So it does.

- What was that?

- Our bridges have been burned.

What do you mean?

The bridge we crossed by

ain't there no longer.

God.

Now what?

- Tell me.

- A crevasse.

We've had it, Danny.

Coming and going!

- Wide?

- Wide enough!

It drops into nothing below,

straight as a beggar can spit!

That's the last of them, Peachy.

No more gods to burn.

It looks like last post, Danny.

I don't fancy dying by inches.

Feeling the cold creeping up my limbs.

- Getting all numb.

- I'll do the necessary...

...when the fire goes out.

- Fair enough.

Bloody shame.

Getting this close and not making it.

A stone's throw away, our kingdom.

I'd have liked to seen you, Danny,

with a gold crown on your head.

If you could've found one

that fitted it.

Peachy, in your opinion...

...have our lives been misspent?

Well, that depends

on how you look at it.

The world's not a better

place because of us.

No, hardly that.

- Nobody's gonna weep at our demise.

- And who'd want them to?

And we haven't many good deeds

to our credit.

None. None to brag about.

But how many have been

where we've been...

...and seen what we've seen?

- Bloody few. And that's a fact.

Even now, I wouldn't change places

with the viceroy himself...

...if it meant giving up my memories.

- Me neither.

Remember the time the Highlanders

was retreating down the hill...

...at Ali Masjit and Pipe Major

McCrimmon got his sporran shot off?

Half a crown was in it, right?

So he goes after it without checking

to see if that was all he'd lost!

And then he got the Victoria Cross...

...because the Highlanders

followed him up the hill!

Danny, we can get on!

Kafiristan.

The promised land.

Must be their Halloween.

Upsadaisy, lad.

Brass band and all.

Hail the conquering heroes.

Bloody cheek. Where's their gratitude?

I say! I say there!

Are you Englishmen, please?

Stone the bleeding crows!

Yes, mate.

- And who might you be?

- You just wait one jiffy.

Peachy, it's a Gurkha.

Rifleman Machendra Gurung.

Known to my regiment as Billy Fish.

Is that right? Well, report, rifleman.

What are you doing here?

Wherever here is.

- I come with Colonel Robertson, sir.

- The geographer?

Oh, dear me, alas, by Jove.

Party not reaching Er-Heb

for very misfortunate reasons.

Large mountain is falling on everyone.

Everybody buried alive

ex cept your servant.

What about them up there

banging drums...

...and then shooting arrows at us?

Big noise to scare away devils!

- Many devils here these days.

- They thought we was devils?

Kafiristan peoples very ignorant.

I say to head man Ootah, I say,

"Oh, no, by Jove, they're not devils...

...they're Gorasahibs.

British soldiers."

Good man, Billy Fish.

And now, if you'll take us

to this Ootah bloke...

...we will begin his education.

People of Er-Heb, do not fear.

They are our friends, not our enemies.

Do you understand?

Do not fear.

There is no need to fear.

They're our friends.

Why are you so afraid?

People of Er-Heb, do not fear!

They're from England!

British soldiers!

White men.

Do not be afraid.

Ootah!

Come on down.

No need to be afraid.

They're white men. Ootah!

Come down!

Don't be afraid.

Tell him we won't hurt him,

not to worry.

He wants to know where you come from.

Tell him we tumbled from the skies.

He wants to know, are you gods?

Not gods, Englishmen,

which is the next best thing.

I ofttimes tell Ootah

about Englishmans.

How they name dogs,

take off hats to womans...

...and march left, right

with rifles on their shoulders.

Bringing enlightenment

to the darker regions of the earth.

He wants to know how rifle works.

Show him, Peachy.

We are not gods, exactly,

but we are heaven-sent...

...to deliver you from your enemies.

Enemies all around.

The Bashkai are the worst.

All town comes out and pisses

downstream when we go bathing.

Shocking!

They are always stealing our womans.

Putting on masks.

And so our head chap

is thinking them devils...

...and running like bloody hell away.

- War! Red war we'll give them.

He give you two goats for each

Bashkai man you're killing.

One goat for each womans and childs.

Rather than knock them over

one at a time...

...we'd like to do it

in one fell swoop.

Serve him up a proper victory.

Storm Bashkai, take the city.

He says, "How much?"

Only the honour of leading

the brave men of Er-Heb into battle.

And what we fancy in souvenirs.

- A bauble here and a bangle there.

- Bashkai is only the beginning.

We hope to go on from victory to

victory until he runs out of enemies.

And a monarch of all you survey.

- All he surveys?

- From the highest place in the valley.

The mountains will echo your name.

Ootah the Great!

Oh, he says he prefers

"Ootah the Terrible."

Then Ootah the Terrible it shall be.

And take him in token of our earnest.

And now the womans of Er-Heb

will cut his bollocks off!

Couldn't happen in a better cause.

- Contract.

- Contract.

Ootah say, "You, you no like?"

Tell him we've given up strong drink

until we've conquered all his enemies.

Boil them once or twice in hot water...

...and they'll come out

like chicken and ham.

You wouldn't know them from the

Gaiety Chorus.

- Ootah says, "Take your pick."

- He does?

Oh, tell His Majesty one's prettier

than another. I couldn't choose.

Take as many as you like.

There are more where they came from.

He has 27 daughters.

They're his daughters?

His own daughters?

- Dirty old brute!

- Different countries, different customs.

Mustn't be prejudiced, Peachy.

Tell His Majesty we've also taken

a vow not to dally with females...

...till all his enemies

are vanquished.

He has 32 sons if you're liking boys.

Tell him he makes my gorge rise!

Hold on, Peachy, he's only being

hospitable according to his likes.

Polo!

Everything's the same.

The ball's bigger.

- Is the ball always that big?

- Depends on size of head.

Big head, big ball.

This here Bashkai man. Big damn head.

The bloody heathens.

Different countries, different customs.

Mustn't be prejudiced.

Now, listen to me,

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