The Man Who Would Be King Page #4

you benighted muckers.

We're gonna teach you soldiering,

the noblest profession.

When we're done, you'll be able to

slaughter enemies like civilized men!

But first, you'll have to learn

to march in step...

...do the manual of arms

without having to think.

Good soldiers don't think,

they just obey.

You think if a man thought twice,

he'd die for his country?

Not bloody likely!

He wouldn't go near the battlefield!

One look at your foolish faces...

...tells me you're going to be

crack troops.

Him there with a 51l2 hat size

has the makings of a bloody hero.

Timing in the British Army

has always been:
"One, two, three."

One, two, three.

Say after me, "One, two, three."

Wait. Ready, steady, go.

One, two, three.

One, two, three.

Say it at the same time as the others.

Tell him to say it at the same time!

Right. Go!

One, two, three.

One, two, three.

Billy, tell him to say it

with the others!

One, two, three. Right.

Now ready, steady, go.

One, two, three.

No! He's saying it

before the others, Billy.

Not before them, not after them,

with them!

Right. Attention!

No. You, look...

That one goes to there! Say that one

goes to there! That's it!

Down there, like that.

There. There we are.

Okay? Right.

Come on, smarten up,

you horrible lot!

Attention!

That's better.

Troops, march!

By the left. Quick. March!

Left. Left. Left, right, left.

Wait. You're a handsome piece,

that I don't deny...

...but the contract states the party

of the first part, Danny...

...and the party of the second part,

which is me...

...shall nowise compromise ourselves...

...with parties of the third part,

which is you.

All binding, properly sworn to...

...witnessed and attested.

- Danny!

- So!

Thank God you arrived.

Let's go seek safety in battle.

Trumpeter, sound your trumpet!

Billy Fish.

Blood is what we want.

The bloodier, the better.

So it shall be!

Like old times, Peachy.

Reminds me of Ali Majid.

It's a good job the odds

are only 10 to 1.

Halt!

Line up in a straight line here.

Present!

Aim!

Who are they?

What's happening?

Very holy men.

They walk through Kafiristan

collecting offerings for Holy City.

Battle is postponed

until priests have passed.

- Why are their eyes closed?

- They don't wish to see any badness...

...so keep eyes closed until they

return to beauties of Sikandergul.

Fire!

Aim! Fire!

Charge! Come on.

Oh, that great bloody showoff!

Rifle section, form line!

Fix bayonets!

Advance!

Volley fire! Commence!

Charge!

What did you think you were

playing at charging single-handed?

- I got carried away. Blood was up.

- Acting like a green lieutenant...

...hoping to be mentioned

in dispatches!

- You ought to be ashamed!

- Sorry.

Supposing you got killed.

Where would I be at?

- Won't happen again.

- See it don't!

- Why are you carrying that arrow?

- No particular reason.

Hold on!

What's he up to?

He say he win this big battle.

According to custom...

...he lop off their heads.

- Great warrior?

I never saw him in the

thick of the fray.

There's no prisoner ex ecutions

in this army.

Tell him to put that sword away.

He says once sword unsheathed,

it must taste blood.

Just as I thought.

He hasn't had it out until now!

He says watch out or he get very angry

and lop your head off.

All right. Up you get.

Off your hunkers.

No more grovelling.

We aren't gonna torch your city...

...or hang you in chains,

nor rape your daughters.

Tell them to divide their goods in half

and we will choose which half we want.

Henceforth, let the men of Er-Heb

and the men of Bashkai be as brothers.

Brothers in arms.

Let them march under one banner

and share in the victories to come.

Have the Bashkai any enemies

to speak of?

Oh, enemies all around!

Bhardoks, Ghundaras, Shus, Khawaks.

The Bhardoks piss downstream

on Bashkai people when they bathe.

Shocking!

We'll strike them

and grind them into dust!

Silver bracelet, 10 shillings.

A good heavy necklace of the same,

worth a fiver at least.

Earring with bangles.

One pig sticker with plain handle.

A gold coin worn pretty thin.

A rosy red ring

and a few other ones, plain.

All this should fetch

Not too bad for the back of beyond.

Sikander!

They're calling for you.

For me?

Sikander. Sikander.

What does Sikander mean, Billy?

Sikander a god. Come here

long ago from the West.

That's the bloke Kipling told us about.

Alexander?

Alexander. Sikander.

Here.

- Alexander.

- He builded great city.

Sikandergul, high in mountains.

Sit on throne.

All people worship him.

Then one day, time comes,

he say he must go to East.

People pull their hair out,

tear clothes.

So Sikander promised to send back son.

They saw arrow go into Danny's chest,

him pluck it out, and not bleeding.

So?

So, son of Sikander.

They think I'm a god?

A god! Put your foot out

that I may kiss your big toe.

- You may kiss my royal arse.

- Not royal, holy!

- You're a deity, remember?

- Peachy.

- Yes, Billy?

- Is Danny not son of Sikander?

No, he's a man like us. He can

break wind at both ends simultaneous.

Which I bet is more

than any god can do!

But the arrow.

The arrow stuck in the bandolier.

No miracle.

You better tell them. And my dad's

name was Herbert Dravot, Esquire...

...and he was a bar steward in Durham!

Hang on, Danny.

- Maybe we're missing a bet.

- What do you mean?

Supposing you was an ignorant Kafiri...

...who would you rather follow,

a god or a man?

Now, we're here to conquer

this country, ain't we?

Well, with you as a god, it would take

half the time and half the trouble.

The idea is a bit blasphemous like.

No, Danny...

...blaspheming is when

you take his name in vain...

...God Almighty's.

What if they found out

we was having them on?

Why should they?

We won't tell them.

- You won't tell them, will you, Billy?

- Oh, no. Indeed, by Jove, no.

Polo.

Polo.

Er-Heb and Bashkai

celebrate new brotherhood.

- With whose head?

- Ootah's.

We marched and fought and took

more villages. Our ranks swelled.

They were well trained, but with Danny

at their head, Sikander the Second...

...they were also inspired.

Sikander! Sikander!

After half a dozen victories,

his fame was such...

...that the fighting stopped.

We was met with gifts...

...and bevies of maidens

who danced and threw flowers.

Girl.

Venus de Milo in the flesh,

if flesh it is...

...and not Guinness and champagne.

Billy...

...tell her to stand up

and turn around.

Just gazing, Peachy. Just gazing.

Just enjoying beauty for its own sake.

Being only human,

one thing leads to another.

Give her a hat with a feather, and

no girl in Brighton on bank holiday...

...could hold a candle to her.

I must admit...

...she really is an eyeful.

What's your name, girl?

- Roxanne.

- Roxanne.

Here.

Wasn't that the name of the princess

Alexander married?

It was that.

Hold your head up.

- Girl afraid.

- Of what?

If god takes a girl, she catches fire

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