The Marrying Kind Page #3

---

- Here, Jack, the 3:00.

Only difference is you may have

a tougher time getting set for the exam.

- Why?

- What with your wife and all.

She's even going to help me.

Lots of night work. You know what I mean.

It's the kind of night work

a man's wife isn't likely to appreciate.

Yeah? Well, thanks, Mr. Newhouse.

I said to him it'll be easier, not harder,

because my wife's gonna help me, in fact.

- I will, too.

- I know it, honey.

That's some beautiful wallet, all right!

Not even gonna use it,

that's how much I like it.

- For a special occasion, you could.

- That's what I said.

People are certainly very nice.

Honey, which of these are mine?

You got any idea?

The ones with the little ribbons tied on it.

- They're yours.

- Yeah, I see.

Wouldn't it be better to put the ribbons

on yours? More appropriate?

- Why?

- I don't know.

Oh, no, I never thought.

Maybe someday we'll be so rich

we can afford two glasses.

It wouldn't surprise me.

Joan reminded me of something,

my mother, too...

that if not for the mumps

we never even would have got together.

- What's mumps got to do?

- The ones I had that time.

- What time?

- Bermuda.

What's all this, Bermuda mumps?

We were lying in bed

looking at the Sunday papers...

and I happened to be looking

for the radio part...

Who did you say was in bed?

Both of us.

Yeah, that's right, you and who else?

- Joan. I said that, didn't I?

- No, you didn't.

- Well, that's who.

- Well, thanks.

So I was looking to see

what was on the radio when...

We're having some pretty natural noises

tonight, aren't we?

So I was reading the Sunday papers,

so I come across the travel part.

- I showed it to Joan, we got...

- Gonna get beer. Want anything?

...this Bermuda cruise. No.

Well, maybe a glass of milk, if any.

- First you brush your teeth, then drink beer?

- Ain't I the one?

- Keep talking, I can hear you.

- Then it got to be a whole thing.

We went down, we found out

it wasn't so much, so we decided.

And we bought the clothes

and this new luggage, all white.

And when Mr. Dow heard about it,

he gave me a bonus, $50.

- Who?

- $50.

- What?

- Clarence F. Dow, my old boss.

- What's he, one of these big-brother types...

- Thanks.

...or a big humanitarian

to good-looking blondes?

Never mind.

- I like to know these things.

- Why?

You know how it is

with bosses and secretaries.

- Well, some, but not me.

- You sure?

- What are you, jealous or what?

- Who?

Anyway, it's ancient history,

so save yourself.

Don't be telling me about these happy-Jack

old bosses throwing presents at you.

Anyway, about four days

before the boat went...

I'm all blown up like this.

Honey, don't do that.

- I'm only showing you.

- I know.

If you're a child or an infant,

mumps are nothing...

but if you're not, then something.

And if you're male,

worse than if you're a female, much.

Anyway, Joan says she's not going,

so I says she should, whether I or not.

So finally Gloria from the office

took over my ticket.

I don't think you ever met her, Gloria?

Her named used to be Stella

and she changed it to Gloria.

Can you imagine that?

Anyway, I was pretty miserable.

I remember at the last minute

I gave Joan this present...

and it was perfume. I mean, real perfume.

You looking for something?

It was a little box,

something the fellows gave me.

The wallet? It's right there.

No, not the wallet, it was a little box.

I'll find it. Go ahead.

And I remember

there was this card I wrote in it:

"Here's some expensive bait

to help you catch a rich one. "

And I just naturally meant it for a joke.

Twelve days later when she came back...

and she told me how she was engaged

to this Howard...

and how he was

this manufacturer from Newark...

honestly, I don't know,

it was like supernatural.

I don't know it's so supernatural.

The guy manufactures

non-inflammable cleaning fluid.

So why is he supernatural?

I didn't say him, I said the way I predicted it.

Sure, you missed your notch, all right.

You should have been a tea-leaf reader.

But who knows where I'd be now

if not for the mumps and not going?

You know where? Right here.

Right here, sitting right here

pulling out your chin whiskers.

What makes you think?

Because fate, that's all. Just plain fate.

I never realized before you were a fatalist.

That's me, fatalist, private first class.

- You ready?

- I certainly am.

This day's been about three days long.

Sleep some extra tomorrow.

Gotta see that man about the beds.

- Yeah, well don't miss him.

- No.

Good night, honey.

- Sleep tight.

- You, too.

Say, honey?

You see this guy,

how about asking him about a double bed?

All right.

Wouldn't be too much more expense

or anything, would it?

- I don't think so.

- I don't think so, either.

So you wouldn't mind asking him,

would you?

Why should I?

Embarrassed or anything?

- Why should I?

- I don't know.

I guess I was thinking I'd be.

Say, honey...

You sleeping?

Nobody could say there was anything wrong

with the way it all started.

I mean, little things, but nothing.

What was the first trouble?

Remember? I don't.

Of course.

What was it about? Money, family?

Everything, mixed up into one.

Well, go ahead.

It was just consideration,

a question of consideration.

I didn't ever expect him to be interested

in only me and nothing else.

And maybe it was selfish

but I always thought I ought to come first.

And at first I did.

But, then it got to be ambitions

and making good...

and then even other people.

Another thing, it wasn't my fault

my sister married this well-to-do fellow.

It just happened that way,

but it always made him sore, Chet...

and he never wanted to see them.

Once, it was after

we were married about three years...

and we had Joey, came our big blowup.

We told you about Joey, didn't we?

Our boy?

Anyway, the blowup started

on account of Joan and Howard...

were going to Europe for a month...

and they had a big farewell party,

and they invited us...

and I wanted to go, but he didn't, Chet.

So we just talked the whole thing over...

and I said to him very calm, very quiet:

"Nobody's forcing you to go

if you don't want to, but after all...

"she's my sister, so I'll go myself. "

But he was mad he had to wear his tuxedo.

It was a dress-up affair.

No, but on account

of I was on late shift that week...

I knew I wouldn't have time

to go home and change...

and I knew what I'd have to take,

and boy, I took it!

And I don't like to mix into high society...

but you always did like it, you got to admit.

I admit, I stood and I waited,

and I just knew we were gonna be late.

I just knew it!

I told you 5,000 times

there was a breakdown...

and Newhouse gets in a whole lather,

excited, and everybody had to give a hand.

And just my luck,

he picks me to clean up the floor.

"Better get those up off the floor...

"before somebody comes in here

and breaks their neck. "

There must have been hundreds

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes