The Matchbreaker Page #2

Uh.

Please, I've tried everything.

I've never even

met your daughter.

Yes you have, in

elementary school.

Veronica.

No, I'm sorry.

I don't remember, and

I seriously doubt...

I don't want grandchildren

with no ambition and big ears.

Have you talked to her?

I'm her mother!

She doesn't listen to me.

But she might listen

to a stranger.

Nuh uh.

I'll pay you.

We should use code names.

I don't think that's necessary.

Oh, ok.

All right, this is Veronica.

It's like freaking tinder.

They're all group photos.

I have no idea which one she is.

That's Veronica.

She's pretty.

Thank you.

And that's Zach.

Big ears.

Thank you.

This is information on her.

She has a Maltese named beauty.

Oh, we could get you one, too!

Whoa, whoa... chill, boy.

I'm so sorry, he's

easily excited.

Oh, he is so cute.

What's his name?

Uh, I just call him beast.

Ethan Cooper?

Veronica Taylor.

Yeah.

Huh, you remember me.

Yeah.

It's been forever.

Yeah, it has.

That's a cute dog.

Oh, thanks.

I made a list of

things I don't like about him.

Huh, that's what I do.

I thought

maybe you could use this.

Lack of motivation,

doesn't save money.

Not that he has

that much money to begin with,

he works at a fast food place.

Fast food alone has

destroyed many relationships

with the weight gain.

I'm not that patient.

Um, I don't know if

this list is going to work.

These aren't things

people my age care about.

They think in the present.

Ok.

So what then?

What I'm looking for are

quirks, habits, annoying things

about him.

So your boyfriend

is Zach Winstead?

Yeah.

Do you know him?

Yeah, i... uh, I do.

Great guy.

I mean, except for

the toothpick thing.

What?

He always has a

toothpick in his mouth.

It's like a redneck way

of being pretentious.

It's weird.

Plus, the mouth noises he makes?

Ugh.

And you got to admit, he

talks like a junior high girl.

Did you see that tweet or not?

Eww.

Oh my gosh, they're so annoying.

Basic as they get.

Is that Chelsea?

What the what?

Hey, we bout to turn up!

I hate Josh Hutcherson

so much, I can't even.

JK, I'm jelly.

But seriously.

And you know, should he

really be dancing in public?

Oh, i... uh, I got to go.

Do you wanna hang

out this weekend?

Huh?

What?

I like hanging out with you.

Uh, I don't know.

I'm not sure about hanging out

with someone else's girlfriend.

I don't want to cause

any trouble there.

Oh.

So...

Yeah, ok.

Yeah.

See ya.

Wait.

Don't you want your dog?

Thanks.

Stupid dog, you

make me look bad.

Bye.

I don't think it's working out.

What's up?

I'm Zach.

What am I supposed

to do with this dog?

Take him back to the shelter?

Is that what I am now?

I use dogs and then

toss them back?

Hey.

I heard barking.

You're not allowed

to have a dog.

We named him after you.

Tully?

Beast.

Ok.

But I get to walk

him on Tuesdays.

Tuesday is Velma's

Katherine Heigl movie night.

Deal.

Hey, do you think

this girl was into you?

Definitely.

Was she cute?

Sure, but kinda weird too.

There's this new girl.

You know, as someone who

hasn't been in a relationship

for a while, I think you have

to move past the weird thing.

Was she breathing?

Look who's talking.

You haven't had a girlfriend

since the fourth grade.

I've had a lot of girlfriends.

Ok, two.

Oh, wait... uh, yeah.

Two.

And this is why I'm taking

relationship advice from you?

Do dogs eat, like, every day?

Yes they do.

Don't you?

Don't you?

Kaching.

What?

What?

Look.

Oh, dagnabbit.

The flying monkey

has landed, minus

the munchkin-eared albatross.

What is happening?

Great doing business with you.

Glad I could help.

Can I recommend

you to some people?

What do you mean?

You'd be surprised how

many parents dislike

their daughters' boyfriends.

Hello?

Sure, I can do that for you.

I just need a few details.

What's your daughter's name?

Ok.

What's the issue you

have with her boyfriend?

Butcher's daughter

dating vegetarian.

Never gonna work.

Ok, I'll need more.

Is he possessive, lazy, stupid?

Any, you know, strange habits?

Tell you what.

Think about it, write

some down, and we'll meet

for coffee on Thursday, ok?

Sounds good.

Thanks.

Where is she?

Pump three.

Ok, we stay here

until she clears out.

Wait, I thought you were on

your way to meet a client?

I guess I'm going to be late.

I don't know, man.

I think you should just give in.

She wants you.

That's half the battle.

Wait, hold up.

That is the battle.

Wrong battlefield.

Really though, you

should get rid of Lexie.

She's cramping your style.

Absolutely not.

She is the only way I'm

keeping these girls at bay.

Besides, they open

up to me if they

know I'm not trying to move in.

I don't think Veronica really

cares about your girlfriend.

She already knows Lexie is my

sister, so that doesn't work.

Can you just start

sending these girls my way?

You don't want them.

Because...?

Same reasons I

don't want them...

Incompatible personalities,

blubbering about their break

up, weird habits

you'd have to live

with for the rest of your life.

Trust me.

Still.

Oh, she's coming.

Ethan?

Veronica, hey.

What are you guys doing here?

Oh, we're just picking up

some... his mom asked us to...

You know, it's so funny.

I was just on my

way to your house

to invite you to my party.

Oh, wow, Friday?

Mm.

Any other day would have

been fine, but Friday...

Yeah, we have that...

Right, that uh...

That thing.

Minor surgery.

The party's on Thursday.

The flyer says Friday.

The party's on Thursday.

Sentinel creek park at sunset.

Aww, that's where beauty

and the beast first met.

Yeah.

I can't leave that

crossed my mind.

Ok, well, since you're

free on Thursday,

I guess I'll see you there.

Bye.

Bye, Sam.

Dude, you know you're the

only one invited to that party.

I know.

His name is Brian.

And you don't like him?

I like him fine.

It's just that after her dad

died, she's all I have left.

I don't want her wasting

her life with this boy.

What's wrong with him?

Nothing.

I just want her

to be with Thomas.

Thomas is?

My future son-in-law.

He's a lawyer, about

to become partner.

Brian is just an

accountant and will be

doing Thomas's taxes one day.

Ok.

So what else do you

know about Brian?

I know he's not Thomas.

It's just that it

would help if you could

give me some more information.

You know, any ex-girlfriends,

multiple Facebook accounts,

bad credit history.

I know nothing, but

isn't that your job

to uncover the secrets?

I suppose.

I can certainly give it

a shot with what we have.

Good.

I'll pay you

regular rates if you

can break them up,

and double if you can

get her interested in Thomas.

That's not really what I do.

Quadruple.

But I've been looking

into branching out.

Good.

Would you like to meet her?

I would.

She works at the art gallery

and is scheduled for tomorrow,

but she also sings nights

at the green lady lounge.

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