The Matchbreaker Page #3

Show starts at 9:00.

Don't like

it when the bad guy wins,

I must confess that, I can say.

Every story needs a happy

ending at the end of the day.

Don't like to rock the boat,

it doesn't mean I'm lazy.

I like to paint

outside the lines,

it doesn't make me crazy.

I'm a girl who mouths

the words at every play.

Emily?

Who's that girl singing?

Emily Atkins.

Quite the voice, huh?

Yeah.

Quite the everything.

I'm just funny that way.

Um, hello.

Hi.

I just wanted to say how much

I enjoyed your performance.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah.

Uh, it was good.

You were a really cool

jazz, um, cat up there.

Don't I know you?

Uh, no.

Um, from Jefferson elementary.

What's your name?

Ethan Cooper.

Oh, yeah.

I do remember you.

Yeah, yeah.

I realized it was you the

second I walked in here.

You always did

have a great voice.

When did you hear me sing?

Well, you had a solo in

the third grade musical.

You know, Mr.

Dragon Lilly's farm?

Yeah, i... um, I was a turnip.

I sang like, one line.

Right.

I mean, it was just

memorable to me

because it inspired me

to go organic and put

turnips in stews and

various other recipes.

Turnips?

I know.

I had to go on for

another minute and a half

about my infatuation with

turnips just to cover.

To cover your

infatuation with her?

She's still perfect.

Hey, would you get your

feet off the table?

That's disgusting.

Velma went through a

weird vegetable phase, too.

You guys know what chard is?

No.

It's like the fat free

yogurt of vegetables,

which is bad because vegetables

are like the soy milk of food.

Ethan, you need a

new oven igniter.

I'll order it tomorrow.

Great.

Hey, you really need to

go back to the jazz club

and talk to her.

No.

I need a new strategy.

Reminds me of some

of Brancusi's work.

Ethan?

Oh, hey Emily.

Good to see you again.

I didn't know you liked art.

Uh, yeah.

Yeah, I work here.

Oh, sweet.

Nice to meet a

fellow art person.

Uh, so how do you mean that

this reminds you of Brancusi?

I kind of feel like Brancusi had

a much simpler form than this.

No, I'm talking about

his earlier stuff

when he was a little

Wilder, you know?

College years.

I'm not really familiar.

I'm kind of a Brancusi expert.

So Brancusi is my boy.

Yeah, oh, I love his work.

What's your favorite piece?

A little known gem.

It's a sculpture called

"guy with blender."

And instead of

blending food, he's

blending... you know, dreams and

hopes and 2/3 cup of reality.

So it's pretty

symbolic and stuff.

You'd kind have to be a big

art lover to appreciate it.

So how have you been?

Uh, great.

And you?

Fantastic.

Yeah, are you

married or anything?

No, no.

Are you?

Oh, no, no, no.

No way.

But I got me a girlfriend, yep.

I've got me one of those.

Well done.

Yeah.

I remember you moving

away during middle school.

Are you back in town now, or?

Yeah.

Yeah, I moved back

about a year ago.

Oh, ok.

Cool.

I missed you.

I mean, we.

As a community.

Yeah.

I really miss being here.

So what are you doing now?

Just here making

Brancusi observations.

I mean for a living.

Oh, right.

I'm a freelance consultant.

Oh, cool.

What do you consult on.

I take dysfunctional

systems and I

disassemble them for diagnosis.

Sounds complicated.

Oh, it is.

Trust me.

Well, do you fix them too?

No.

No, not usually.

That's kind of the

next guy's job.

Oh.

How am I going to do this?

Break her up from her boyfriend?

Convince her of anything.

I'm vacant of all rational

thought when I'm around her.

How am I going to find

something persuasive to say,

or even halfway intelligible?

Maybe you'll get lucky.

Maybe her boyfriend is really

ugly, and... that's him?

Yep.

Oh.

Good luck.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

What am I supposed to do?

You're the expert.

There's got to be a chip in that

high gloss, heavy duty, premium

quality paint.

Hey, are you waiting for this?

Oh, yeah, I mean... go

ahead, it's all good.

No, no.

It's cool.

We can just work in.

Oh, ok.

Yeah.

Cool, yeah.

I'm Ethan.

Oh, Brian.

Awesome.

Great to meet such a nice guy.

So are you here to

impress the ladies,

or to look at the ladies?

No, I got a girlfriend.

Yeah, but when has that

stopped anybody before?

Am I right?

No, I'm fully committed, man.

So by fully committed

you mean, what, 60%, 70%?

100%.

So then like, 80% maybe?

So yeah, I've probably

got another five years

or so to pay off my car.

What do you drive?

Got some massive loan

you can't afford?

No, actually.

The car is fully paid for.

I've been saving up since

I was 10, mowing lawns.

That's great.

Really is great.

You watch movies much?

You seem like the

kind of guy who

would waste a whole Saturday

watching mindless television.

No.

Actually, I don't even own a TV.

I spend most of my

Saturdays just helping

out at the soup kitchen.

That's great.

This is the rowing

machine, right?

He's like the offspring

of Taylor swift

and... I don't know,

Channing Tatum.

What?

He's perfect, ok?

They're the perfect couple.

How am I supposed to

break these two up?

Stop squirming.

I can't breathe.

We are not leaving

here until you have

found yourself a nice girl.

Wayne, did you ask around?

To see if there are

any girls who would

like to dance with Mitchell?

That sounds like

Mitchell's job, honey.

Do you really want to

leave Mitchell's future

in the hands of Mitchell?

Of course not.

Don't you

want him out of the house?

More than anything.

I can hear you.

And I would like to

pick my own girls.

Fine.

Who do you pick?

None of them.

Why?

They're all snooty.

They are refined, like sugar.

But you won't let me have sugar.

Well, tonight you

are off your diet.

Figuratively.

Now get out there,

pick any one you want.

They're all better than

what you find at college.

Do you want to dance?

Oh, no thank you.

Good.

Yeah, so if we get

married, I would prefer

to have a room for my iguana.

He likes to roam.

I hope our kids get my eyebrows.

Doggy pocket?

What?

I see you're saving

the carrots for later.

No, I have an iguana.

You have an iguana?

What kind?

It's a green iguana.

I have one too.

Oh!

Oh.

So, do you like these parties?

They're torture.

The food, the music.

Is this sugar-free lemonade?

Yeah.

The largest size they

have in the gift shop here

is a size four.

They discourage sugar.

Not completely.

You know there's a fine

for wearing the wrong color

white on a tennis court?

$1,000 per shade.

You see that guy over there?

Yeah.

He's been in therapy since

he broke his nine iron.

Is that guy a vampire?

I mean, really.

Look at him.

He looks like a vampire.

I mean, that or there's too

much chlorine in the pool.

And that's when I

caught my first Pikachu.

You're cute.

I love this song.

Should we dance?

We have to go.

You are grounded.

- What?

Why?

Your eyes are sugar dilated.

Mr. Cooper?

Yeah.

Right this way.

He's already saying

that he's in love with her.

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