The Matchbreaker Page #4

And what's your main

problem with the girl?

She's a food server.

He's selling himself short.

Currently, we don't want him

out of the house that badly.

Well, you should

know I don't have

any experience with breaking

up boys from their girlfriends.

It's always been the

other way around.

The job should be easy.

The girl is awful.

She wears an apron.

Polyester.

I like polyester.

I have a meeting.

That's fine.

I think we can handle this

without your scoffing.

It was nice meeting you.

Oh, you too.

Thanks.

He's a record producer?

Yes, with tremendous

connections.

There is no reason Mitchell

should be settling.

Ok, yeah.

I get it.

Mess this up, and

I'll make sure you

never get another job for the

women at the country club.

Or I can recommend you, and

you'll be booked for months.

So do you write your own songs?

Yeah.

I mean, well, some of the them.

Impressive.

Have you done

anything with them?

Just singing them at the

green lady to about 30 people

a night.

Waiting for that big break, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah, maybe one day.

I, uh, met your boyfriend.

Brian?

Yep.

How?

We work out together.

He told me he goes to

the club to see you sing.

Yeah, he does.

Great guy.

He sure is.

The best.

I think so.

You know his teeth are capped?

It makes me wonder what

really lies under there.

What?

Nothing, I'm just,

uh... oh, did somebody

leave their partially digested

set of fireplace pokers here?

Why, you don't like it?

You do?

Yeah.

You know, the title is perfect.

It's called "love."

"Love?"

Yeah, you don't think

this looks like love?

Well, I mean, if

you're in a relationship

with a garbage man.

Well, I think it looks

exactly like love.

You know, up close it's all so

weird and defective and messy.

But when you take a

step back, as a whole?

It's beautiful.

I'm singing Thursday night.

Would you like to come?

Ethan?

Yes, I'd love to.

Great, you can bring

your girlfriend.

My girlfriend?

Right.

Because I have one of those.

Mitchell, this is Ethan.

I've hired him as

your confidence coach.

Wait, what?

They're very common these days.

Nice to meet you, Mitchell.

I don't need this.

My confidence is fine.

Look, I dressed myself today.

I will arrange for a

wardrobe consultant asap.

Why are you here?

Your mom thinks

that I can help you.

You can't.

I don't need you.

Not now.

Trisha, she makes me

feel good about myself.

She's all I need.

Yes, but is Trisha a

licensed confidenceologist?

I don't care if she's

a licensed witch doctor.

I love her.

That brings up a good point.

How...

Whoa, whoa.

My iguana doesn't like you

touching his sweater vest.

My bad.

How well do you

really know Trisha?

Well, I met her in person once.

And we Skype and text a lot.

In fact, we did a double

date just the other day

with our iguanas.

But again, Skype.

So you haven't been

on a date alone.

No.

Then how do you know

what horrific things

have yet to be uncovered?

There are none with Trisha.

But I suppose I should

go out with her.

Mmhm.

Yeah, definitely.

To be honest, it actually

makes me kind of nervous.

So it sounds like you

need some confidence, huh?

Tell you what.

I'll go with you.

Wouldn't that be kind of

weird with the three of us?

I have a girlfriend.

We'll double.

Yes.

Yes!

Ok, so how

about 5:
00 on Tuesday?

Yes!

So much yes.

Great.

I'll be here at

4:
45 to make sure

that you're not wearing this.

Are we looking

at the same shirt?

Lexie, you got a job.

I need a fake girlfriend

tomorrow night.

Great.

It might be a

little tough, though.

It's Mitchell and Trisha.

They're socially abnormal.

They obviously can't

see traditional flaws.

So you want to try the

bleak future approach?

Yeah, I think

that's the way to go.

Cool.

How much is the job?

Oh, Lexie, this is

the golden ticket.

Really?

Do tell.

My client is loaded, and she

has a lot of loaded friends.

We could be swimming in mega

dough by the end of the year.

Ooh, I've never made

15% of mega dough before.

That's because I pay you 10%.

Yeah, but that was before you

were swimming in mega dough.

I do 90% of the

work, you get 10%.

Accidentally double booked

us on weddings this weekend.

You think you can break one

of the couples up real quick?

Are you gonna pay me?

Do I get an employee discount?

Yeah.

10%.

And for you?

Can I get the chicken

fingers and the French fries

and a glass of milk?

I'm sorry, sir.

That item isn't on

the regular menu.

I know.

I want it off the kids menu.

You're kidding me.

That's exactly what

I was gonna order.

Two, please.

Two.

Ok.

You guys are so compatible.

You think?

Oh, yeah.

Perfect for each other.

But have you discover

the Jigsaw puzzle yet?

The what?

You guys are two pieces

of a Jigsaw puzzle,

and no two pieces of the

puzzle are exactly alike.

But two pieces that are next

to each other align perfectly.

It's like me and Ethan.

We compliment each

other so well,

my strengths are his weaknesses.

And vice versa.

Which is perfect for when we

get married, because we already

know our roles.

Like, I'm the one who's gonna

be decorating the walls.

Because I have no clue.

And he's the one who's gonna

be filling out all the estate

tax regovernance forms.

Because she has no clue.

So if you guys got

married, which one of you

would file the estate

tax regovernance forms?

I don't know what those are.

Neither do I.

That's ok, don't worry about it.

You just need to

learn a little Latin.

Just a tad.

So which one of

you is good with cooking?

Well, I can make ice.

I have pizza hut on speed dial.

Me too.

Good.

And which one of you know which

fertilizer you use on the lawn

to make it exactly the right

concentration of nitrate

so that your kids don't

poison themselves when they

play in the front yard and die?

Uh, I don't know anything.

I have no idea.

Oh.

I guess...

I guess they could

just stay indoors.

Like taking candy from a baby.

This is gonna be the

easiest split up in history.

Should we give them

more time to worry

about the future of America

if they end up together?

No.

I think they've had

enough time to freak out.

That's so wild.

What's going on?

We just found out the

most incredible thing.

What?

We both love stargazing.

Wow.

Really?

It's like we're

made for each other.

Especially considering

the 0% of people

who hate looking at stars.

Ooh, nights are

long since you went away.

Ooh, nights are

long since you went away.

I think about you

all through the day.

My buddy, my buddy,

nobody quite so true.

Miss your voice, the

touch of your hand.

Just long to know

that you understand.

My buddy, my buddy.

Was she really that

good, or was she

Ethan's Emily version of good?

Everybody loved her, and

she writes her own music.

Does she have a record deal?

Uh, no.

But that's her dream.

Hey, isn't Mitchell's

dad a record producer?

Yeah.

So why don't you introduce them?

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