The Meaning of Life Page #8

express on behalf of everybody here,

what a really unique

experience this is.

Hear, hear.

Yes, we're so delighted

that you dropped in,

Mr. Death.

Can I just finish, please?

Mr. Death.

Is there an afterlife?

Dear, if you could

just wait, please...

Are you sure you wouldn't

like some sherry or...

Angela, I'd like

to say this, please.

Be quiet!

Can I just say this

at this time, please?

Silence!

I have come for you.

You mean to...

Take you away.

That is my purpose.

I am Death.

Well, that's cast rather a gloom

over the evening, hasn't it?

I don't see it

that way, Geoff.

Let me tell you what I think

we're dealing with here,

a potentially positive

learning experience that can...

Shut up!

Shut up, you American.

You always talk,

you Americans.

You talk and you talk

and you say,

"Let me tell you something"

and "I just wanna say this. "

Well, you're dead now,

so shut up!

Dead?

Dead.

All of us?

All of you.

Now look here.

You barge in here quite

uninvited, break glasses,

and then announce quite

casually that we're all dead.

Well, I would remind you that

you're a guest in this house...

Be quiet! Englishmen!

You're all so f***ing pompous!

None of you

have got any balls.

Can I ask you a question?

What?

How can we all have died

at the same time?

The salmon mousse.

Darling, you didn't use

canned salmon, did you?

I'm most dreadfully

embarrassed.

Now the time has come.

Follow. Follow me.

J ust testing. Sorry.

Follow me. Now.

Come.

The fishmonger promised me

he'd have some fresh salmon.

He's normally so reliable.

Can we take our glasses?

Good idea.

Hey, I didn't even

eat the mousse.

Honestly, darling,

I'm so embarrassed.

It really is embarrassing. I

mean, to serve salmon with botulism

at a dinner party

is social death.

Shall we take our cars?

Why not?

Good idea.

Why not?

Behold Paradise.

I love it here, darling.

Me, too, Marvin.

Hello. Welcome to heaven.

Excuse me. Could you just

sign here, please, sir?

Thank you.

There's a table for you through

there, in the restaurant.

Thank you.

For the ladies.

Afterlife mints.

Thank you.

Happy Christmas.

Oh, is it Christmas today?

Of course, madam.

It's Christmas every day

in heaven.

Oh! How 'bout that?

Lovely.

Good evening,

ladies and gentlemen.

It's truly a real honorable

experience to be here this evening,

a very wonderful and warm

and emotional moment

for all of us.

And I'd like to

sing a song,

for all of you.

It's Christmas in heaven

All the children sing

It's Christmas in heaven

Hark, hark,

those church bells ring

It's Christmas in heaven

The snow falls from the sky

But it's nice and warm

and everyone

Looks smart and wears a tie

It's Christmas in heaven

There"s great films on TV

The Sound of Music

twice an hour

And Jaws I, I I and I I I

There"s gifts

for all the family

There's toiletries

and trains

There's Sony Walkman

headphone sets

And the latest video games

It's Christmas

It's Christmas in heaven

Hip, hip, hip, hip

hip hooray

Every single day

Is Christmas Day

It's Christmas

It's Christmas in heaven

Hip, hip, hip, hip

hip hooray

Every single day is...

Well, that's the end

of the film.

Now here's

the meaning of life.

Thank you, Brigitte.

Well, it's nothing

very special.

"Try and be nice to people.

Avoid eating fat.

"Read a good book every now

and then. Get some walking in,

"and try and live together

in peace and harmony

"with people of all creeds

and nations. "

And finally, here are some completely

gratuitous pictures of penises,

to annoy the censors and to hopefully

spark some sort of controversy,

which is the only way these days

to get the jaded video-sated public

off their f***ing arses and

back in the sodding cinema.

Family entertainment? Bollocks.

What they want is filth.

People doing things

to each other

with chainsaws

during Tupperware parties,

baby-sitters being stabbed with knitting

needles by gay presidential candidates,

vigilante groups

strangling chickens,

armed bands of theater critics

exterminating mutant goats.

Where's the fun in pictures?

Oh, well, there we are.

Here's the theme music.

Good night.

Just remember that

you"re standing on a planet

That"s evolving and revolving

at 900 miles an hour

It"s orbiting at 19 miles

a second, so it's reckoned

A sun that is the source

of all our power

The sun and you and me and

all the stars that we can see

Are moving

at a million miles a day

In an outer spiral arm

at 40,000 miles an hour

Of the galaxy

we call the Milky Way

Our galaxy itself contains

a hundred billion stars

It's a hundred thousand

light years side to side

It bulges in the middle

16,000 light years thick

But out by us, it"s just

3,000 light years wide

We"re 30,000 light years

from galactic central point

We go round every

200 million years

And our galaxy is only

one of millions of billions

In this amazing

and expanding universe

The universe itself keeps on

expanding and expanding

In all of the directions

it can whizz

As fast as it can go at

the speed of light, you know

Twelve million miles a minute and

that"s the fastest speed there is

So remember when you"re

feeling very small and insecure

How amazingly unlikely

is your birth

And pray that there"s intelligent

life somewhere up in space

'Cause there's bugger all

down here on Earth

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