The Meddler Page #5

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He was so scared.

I'll just be two minutes.

Sure.

Sorry about this,

but thanks for taking him.

Of course, it's nice to see

the two of you together.

Hey, man.

You know, if you want,

we could stop for ice cream

on the way back.

And the difference between

a veto and a pocket veto?

A pocket veto is when the president

doesn't sign a bill for ten days,

but congress can't overrule it.

Yes! You are ready, Freddy.

Oh. "Ready Freddy."

I like that.

That's funny.

What's that?

Fredo... he's...

I'm sorry.

Is that marijuana?

It must have fallen...

What's it doing...

Oh, my god.

Okay, okay, what do we do?

What are we gonna do?

Sorry, Joey.

What are you doing?

What are you...?

Okay...

Are you all right, ma'am?

Uh...

How did all these people

get in my room?

And don't tell your papa!

Can I help you?

How much are the pies?

They're all $12.

I can have all of them for $12?

Hey, I know you.

Nope.

Sure, I do.

You're an actress, right?

You're a police officer man.

Yeah, well, retired,

technically,

but they still need us on set.

You know, in case a director

starts throwing stuff.

Everybody calls me zipper.

Okay.

And you are miss...?

Minervini.

Miss Minervini.

Mrs. Minervini.

Missus.

Well, actually, I don't know

if it's still missus

because my husband died,

and I... I'm sorry.

Thank you.

It goes back to maybe

the maiden name, or...

'cause when you're divorced

I don't think that you still...

I mean, that's... of course that's

different, but I think maybe...

Just... it would be...

Less confusing if you call me...

Marnie.

Okay, Marnie.

Well, Marnie,

do you wanna join us?

Us?

In a different language.

Portuguese.

So, we get to the area and,

sure enough,

there is this naked guy,

and he's just walking

up the street...

refuses to put on clothes

or get in the car,

and Bernie suggests that we...

He would not go down!

He just stands there, vibrating!

Just pointing north!

Oh, pardon my language.

Were you talking?

Thank you.

Sorry about that. Those...

Those guys are...

They're good guys,

but they do like hearing

themselves talk.

Well, if I had those stories,

I would listen to myself think.

Well...

I gotta get going.

I have to... dog-sit

my daughter's kids,

and, you know,

my hands are... loud.

Okay.

Do you maybe need a ride or...

No, I can't drive that.

Okay.

How about just this

once I drive it,

and you can sit on the back?

That's crazy. I would kill my

daughter if she died on a motorcycle.

Oh, this isn't a motorcycle.

This is a Harley Davidson.

It's a world of difference.

Come on, it'll be fun.

The safest place you can be

in Los Angeles

is on this seat right here.

I promise.

I'll go slow.

Uh...

So tell me about your daughter.

Not now!

So why do they call you zipper?

It's my name.

Oh...

My last name.

Then... that makes sense.

Yeah.

What's your first name?

Randy. Or Randall.

Randall.

And are you from around here?

Am I asking too many questions?

No.

I'm from outside

Oxnard originally.

And then I moved to Ventura

when I got married,

and moved to Topanga

when I got divorced.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, don't be sorry.

She's not.

You know, she never smiled

with her teeth.

I should've known.

Is Topanga on the beach?

No, not on the beach,

by the beach.

I wouldn't mind living

on the beach.

Yeah.

But I don't know

where I'd keep the chickens.

Chickens?

Yeah. Yeah. You got your dog

people and your cat people.

I am a man with chickens.

Get outta here.

No...

Chickens?

Absolutely.

How many?

Well, you know what they say

about counting chickens?

No.

You don't know what they say

about counting chickens, really?

No.

Didn't your grandma

ever tell you that?

No, we didn't... my grandma

didn't have chickens.

Oh, yeah. You are a

city girl, aren't you?

Well, my chickens and I have

a very symbiotic relationship.

I give them a Coop

and some feed,

once in a while, a little

Parmesan cheese for a treat,

and they keep me in eggs.

Matter of fact... excuse me.

Oh, I can't believe

it didn't break.

Yeah. That's from the Ameraucana.

She's my only Easter Egger

wow.

You wanna meet her?

At your house?

Well, she's been out at the bar

most of the night,

but she's probably home by now.

Watch your step there.

Here, let me go in first.

Make sure we don't let

anybody escape.

Well, now here's...

That's patsy, and Kathleen.

Over here is, that's Ayla.

Katie and Ruth.

That's Gayle.

And... the golden girl there

is Henrietta.

And now don't let her sass you.

She gets a little attitude on

account of she's so damn beautiful.

So beautiful.

Girls, this is Marnie.

Hey.

Was out here

a couple months ago,

and I brought that boom box with

me and I was playing some tunes.

And I looked at their faces, and

I swear they just looked happy.

So I did a little experiment

to try and find out what kind

of music they dig the most.

Turns out, rock 'n' roll

makes 'em lay eggs like crazy,

but it does stress 'em out

a little bit.

Oh, I understand.

Classical's good.

They like that.

Reggae, not good.

Really?

No. Don't know what it is.

Turns out, for the optimal combination

of happiness and productivity...

All roads lead to Dolly.

How can you tell

if it's working?

Don't they look like

they're smiling?

Yeah, they do.

Joey didn't want to know how

much time he had left,

but Lori and I knew.

And he asked her to throw us

a wedding anniversary party

in August.

But... she knew he

wouldn't be around that long,

so she said,

which was so brilliant...

"Why don't I throw you

"a '40 years from the day

you met' party?"

And she decorated

the whole house like 1969.

And the music was 1969,

and all her friends

came dressed like the '60s.

And his brothers flew out,

and we had fondue.

It was a spectacular day.

What about you?

You got kids?

Two beautiful girls.

Aw, nice.

Yeah.

The one that likes me lives

halfway across the country,

and the one that doesn't

is just over in palm Springs.

Of course.

Lizzie was...

She was still in high school

when her mom and I fell apart,

which was my fault, mostly.

Seventy-thirty.

Sixty-forty maybe.

I was working all the time,

you know.

And then I brought it home

with me.

And then, when she started to slip

away, I was just gripping and...

She's in a reha...

In a program now.

She's in a program.

Kept hoping one of those steps

would lead her back here, but...

I think I just made her

scared to tell me things.

Sure, what...

Look what you were

seeing every day,

all that serial killers

and stuff.

I mean, I watch the news,

never mind being part of it,

it's like being in

an action movie or something.

Yeah, well...

Not anymore.

It's not your fault

the world's a scary place.

Thank god you're retired.

Yep. Yeah, it has its moments.

And I have learned to calm down.

You know, I mean, if...

Lizzie doesn't want me

to call her anymore,

I have to respect that.

No. You don't... I mean...

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