The Mindy Project Page #2

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People laugh.

MIRA (CONT’D)

Or how he always says “Oh, Larry”

when we watch Curb Your Enthusiasm,

like he has a personal relationship

with Larry David.

People love this. Brooks whispers to Dr. Shulman.

BROOKS:

What’s Curb Your Enthusiasm?

DR. SHULMAN

Oy vey.

MIRA:

Or the time he told me during sex

that he wanted to marry me and make

me pregnant with six babies.

People stop smiling. Brooks covers his eyes. Jeremy loves

this.

MIRA (CONT’D)

Which I really wanted too. But,

well, that didn’t end up happening.

Obviously. Cuz here I am, sitting

with a bunch of randoms at his

wedding to the Serbian bagel girl.

(whispering)

By the way, are we a hundred

percent sure she’s not a war

criminal?

(then, off their reaction)

Oh, get over yourselves. Like the

thought didn’t cross your mind.

(MORE)

Untitled Mindy Kaling Show Pilot 1/9/12 7.

MIRA (CONT’D)

So:
to Tom and Bagel Girl. May you

never run out of bagels.

Mira throws her wine glass down, shattering it.

MIRA (CONT’D)

L’Chaim! Peace. I’m out. Tom wet

the bed until he was ten!

(Mr. T.)

Huhn!

Mira leaves the stage, grabs a bottle of champagne from a

waiter’s tray, walks out of the tent past the caterers, grabs

a bike, and begins to pedal and drink at the same time. She

bikes off.

EXT. STREET - NIGHT

Mira is biking, wasted, and drinking in a residential area.

MIRA:

I’m Kate Hudson. I’m Kate Hudson.

She runs a red light, and narrowly misses a car.

MIRA (CONT’D)

Racist!

Mira careens into the driveway of a house. She looks at it.

MIRA (CONT’D)

Tudor. Nice.

She speeds through the driveway and does not notice the bike

is riding straight toward a swimming pool.

MIRA (CONT’D)

Oh shi-

She can’t stop and falls into the pool. Underwater, Mira

opens her eyes. She notices a Minnie Mouse toy at the bottom

of the pool. It is frowning at her.

MINNIE MOUSE:

(with contempt)

Loser. Thirty-one year old loser.

MIRA:

(subtitled)

Who the hell do you think you are,

you little b*tch?

MINNIE MOUSE:

At least I have a boyfriend.

Untitled Mindy Kaling Show Pilot 1/9/12 81/9/12 8.

MIRA (V.O.)

And when Minnie Mouse pointed out

that even she had a long-term

boyfriend, I just started to cry.

Mira is now crying underwater somehow. It’s pitiful.

MIRA (V.O.)

This is not where I thought I’d be.

END COLD OPEN:

Untitled Mindy Kaling Show Pilot 1/9/12 91/9/12 9.

ACT ONE:

INT. POLICE STATION - CONTINUOUS

Mira continues to be questioned at the police station.

MIRA:

I got fished out by the people who

own the house, who were actually

not that nice. They called you and

here I am.

OFFICER #2

We have you down for two counts of

public intoxication, theft, and

disorderly conduct.

MIRA:

I’m getting the third degree

because of freaking disorderly

conduct? Aren’t there rapists and

murderers out there?

CARIBBEAN OFFICER #1

When you’re disorderly you’re a

rapist of peace and quiet.

MIRA:

Okay, look.

(demure)

Did I mention that I’m a doctor?

An OBGYN? I bring life into this

world.

CARIBBEAN OFFICER #1

So what?

MIRA *

Do you guys need free birth

control?

They consider this. Another officer enters.

OFFICER #3

She’s been bailed out.

OFFICER #2

We’re not even finished questioning

her.

OFFICER #3

She’s being bailed out by the

governor’s daughter.

Mira smiles.

Untitled Mindy Kaling Show Pilot 1/9/12 101/9/12 10.

MIRA:

It’s been great working with you

guys and seeing this process from *

the inside.

INT. POLICE LOBBY - CONTINUOUS

Gwen is there. Gwen is now an impeccably-dressed beauty,

rocking motherhood Gwyneth Paltrow-style. Mira hugs her.

MIRA:

I love you so much.

GWEN:

I don’t love you at all. *

MIRA *

I have enough love for the both of *

us, you political royalty, you. *

GWEN *

I can’t keep using my mom for this *

stuff. I’m already using her to get *

Sophie into private school. Get in *

the car, I’m late to drop Sophie

off to hip-hop and get filler

injected in my nasolabial folds.

Mira stops Gwen. *

MIRA:

Tell me the truth. How bad is it?

GWEN:

It’s on Facebook, but it hasn’t

been re-mixed into a song yet.

Gwen hands Mira her phone. Mira watches a recording of her

toast.

MIRA (O.C.)

“Are we a hundred percent sure

she’s not a war criminal?”

MIRA (CONT’D)

Wow. I went to genocide.

GWEN:

You looked pretty, though.

MIRA:

Yeah, my hair’s not bad. Who shot

this? Why did they leave all this

space to the left of me? Know how

to center, much?

Untitled Mindy Kaling Show Pilot 1/9/12 11.

GWEN:

You’re right. That’s the takeaway.

INT. GWEN’S MERCEDES SUV - CONTINUOUS

SOPHIE, Gwen’s 6-year-old daughter, is in the back seat.

MIRA:

I’ll never give you crap for being

a housewife again. I don’t know how

to repay you.

GWEN:

I’m not a housewife. I’m an

attorney that has taken an

indefinite amount of time off to

raise my daughter. Everyone put

your seat belts on.

SOPHIE:

Mine was on the whole time.

GWEN:

Good girl.

(to Mira)

I know how you can repay me. You

could hit me up with some wink-wink

in my nasolabial folds.

MIRA:

I don’t do wink-wink. I do pap

smears. You need a plastic

surgeon.

Gwen pulls out of the parking lot.

GWEN:

I just feel like our relationship

isn’t reciprocal.

MIRA:

Uh, I protect you from yourself.

You’d look like Bruce Jenner if it

wasn’t for me.

SOPHIE:

What’s a pap smear? What’s wink-

wink?

GWEN:

Nothing sweetheart. It’s adult

stuff, like taxes.

(then, to Mira)

(MORE)

Untitled Mindy Kaling Show Pilot 1/9/12 12.

GWEN (CONT'D)

I want to tell you this, because I

am picking you up from a police

precinct and I think it’s timely.

You need to pull it together. *

MIRA *

I know. *

(gesturing to self) *

This person? This drunk, crime-*

committing person? She’s history. *

There is no reason for me to live *

my life like this. I went to a good *

college. I’m a successful doctor. *

My body mass index could be better *

but I’m not like, Precious or *

anything. This is my year. *

(then, empowered) *

Do you have a multi-vitamin? I feel *

like taking one. *

GWEN *

You have that date tonight with *

Dennis. Carl worked really hard to *

sell you at his firm. *

MIRA *

I am so psyched for this date. A *

real date. Not hooking up with a *

guy at the end of a party. Not *

sleeping with Jeremy because he has *

that insane, Biblical-quality hair, *

and then the next day I’m all: *

(cool detached voice) *

“By the way, what’s our deal, *

anyway?”. *

GWEN *

You do that? That’s horrifying. *

SOPHIE *

This is boring. *

MIRA *

You’re boring. Contribute *

something. *

Mira rummages through a small cooler and begins to eat. *

SOPHIE:

That’s my lunch! *

MIRA:

You seriously get a bento box for *

lunch? *

Untitled Mindy Kaling Show Pilot 1/9/12 131/9/12 13.

SOPHIE:

(freaking out)

Don’t eat it! It’s mine! Its mine!

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