The Most Hated Woman in America Page #4

I... I'd say for kidnappers,

we are damn near hospitable.

This is much better than prison, trust me.

Gary was in prison.

How come I didn't see that coming?

You know, you just can't seem

to shut the f*** up.

I bet you saw more cock in the slammer

than a urinal at the Astrodome.

- Hey, hey, hey!

- Oh, go ahead and shoot me.

I'm an awfully big body to hide.

- Gary, put the gun away.

- Open up, Grandma!

- Keep talking.

- Gary...

- No, be funny, f***ing Grandma. Do it!

- Please!

Gary, please.

Not so tough now, huh?

You're gonna owe me.

- Oh, f*** you.

- Come on. Come on.

Dave, we need to talk.

- Mother.

- What?

- Mother.

- What?

Do you ever stop to think

that if they kill one of us,

they have to kill us all?

This is bullshit, Garth.

And I'm not letting them get away with it.

I know, but if we get the police involved,

you know that the IRS is gonna follow.

And what they want, it's nothing.

So let's just play their game for now,

and we'll figure out a way

to nail them later.

Yeah.

Yeah, he's right, Grandma.

Yeah, he's right.

This one time.

Stop gloating.

That's not good.

It's fine.

They think they're in New Zealand.

You said two days, tops.

And that woman,

she's wound so goddamn tight.

How the f*** we supposed to keep 'em here?

Madalyn's a cripple.

She's not going anywhere.

Robin would never leave her.

And Garth?

Yeah, Garth can't piss

without his mom holding his dick.

Four days.

We get the money.

We get out of town.

Here.

Get rid of the cars.

Just to be safe.

David...

When this thing comes through,

you're not really serious

about letting them go, right?

He wants you to drop the story?

Well, he doesn't think

there's much more to tell.

Everybody seems to believe

they took off for New Zealand.

I told you, they'd never leave

- without the dogs.

- "Without the dogs"?

Yeah, you may have mentioned that before.

You know...

I don't get it, Roy.

What?

Well, her own son doesn't seem to care

that they're missing.

Everybody else at American Atheists

are pretending like nothing's happened.

What makes you different?

You have any idea what it's like

to grow up black and gay in Texas?

Um, no.

Neither did Madalyn.

But it didn't matter.

When my parents kicked me out...

she was there to take me in.

All right, look.

I have a PI, owes me a favor, uh...

Not promising anything,

but I'll see if he can't dig something up.

Thanks.

Jesus, David.

Just as vain as ever, huh?

You sure you're not a homo?

You are the last person

who should be lecturing me about vanity.

I'll lecture you about whatever

I goddamn well please.

I don't know how you expect

to pull this off, David.

I am willing to bet

that after we get our money...

you won't be calling the police.

You wouldn't want to expose

those hidden accounts of yours.

In the meantime, why don't you

take these next few days here

as your own dark night of the soul?

Time for a little self-reflection.

If anyone's in need of self-reflection,

David, that'd be you.

I bet Bill Jr. would beg to differ.

Our guest tonight

is Madalyn Murray O'Hair,

the American Atheist

who removed the Bible from public schools.

She's at the university

for a speaking engagement.

O'Hair, that's new for you, isn't it?

Oh, yeah, I guess we all knew

it'd take a real man to tame this shrew.

And that's what I found in Richard O'Hair,

a man. A real man.

I have got a granddaughter now, Robin.

She's about everything I could hope for.

Uh, we've opened our lines to callers.

Right now we have Charles from Sacramento.

Go ahead, Charles.

- Yeah, I wanna ask Mrs. Murray...

- Uh, Murray O'Hair.

How can you look at yourself

in the mirror every day?

Only a godless b*tch like you

would go to court to stop prayer.

Thanks to you, this country's

on its way to hell in a handbasket.

Somebody should cut your tongue out,

tie you up

and throw your lifeless corpse off the...

Thank you, Charles.

Don't these people

have anything more to worry about?

I mean, people are dying every day in

this unholy war we're waging in Vietnam.

And, apparently, this guy's more concerned

with masturbating to my corpse.

Next up, we have Barbara from Mill Valley.

Ms. O'Hair,

if you don't believe in God,

how do you explain where we came from?

Lady, have I gotta explain

the damn birds and the bees for ya?

It's called sex.

And you can bet

the Virgin Mary was all for it.

Virgin birth, my ass.

Jesus loves you, Madalyn.

Aw, and so does Santa Claus.

Can you believe it?

Jesus shot at me.

- Goddamn Jesus Christ.

- Uh, Mother.

Oh. Oh, all right. Well, I'm sorry

I used that language again, Susan.

I'll try to clean it up a little bit.

Mother, uh...

Mother...

- Susan and I have been talking.

- Bill, no.

Well, I haven't even said

what I'm gonna ask yet.

You wanna abandon me.

Please.

Bill, look at me.

Some freak put me in the hospital.

You're fine.

They're treating me for nerve damage.

I'm sorry. You're right.

I... I understand.

Probably very frightening for you,

and we shouldn't have dragged Robin

and Susan through all this.

When we get down to LA, I'm gonna

get you a really nice hotel suite.

- They can stay there...

- No, Mother... Mother!

I have a wife and a child now.

I'm not sure this is the life

that I want for them.

- Right, that's your decision.

- All right.

Mmm-hmm. I just don't know if I can

keep up what I'm doing without you.

Oh.

- Well, you got Richard now.

- All he's good for is f***ing.

Mom.

Remember that protest at White Tower?

You couldn't have been more than ten.

And that day you said to me,

"If something makes you really mad,

you've gotta go out there

and do something about it."

All my life...

I just wanted one person somewhere,

sometime, to understand me.

And that person turned out to be you.

Hmm?

We're in this together.

Hmm?

From Hollywood,

The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson.

This is Ed McMahon along with

Doc Severinsen and the NBC Orchestra

inviting you to join Johnny

and his guests...

Roger Miller, Steve Martin

and atheist Madalyn Murray O'Hair.

Yeah. No, I told you it's enough.

Thank you.

Where the hell have you been?

I'm about to go on.

Susan filed for divorce.

Hallelujah.

I knew it was gonna happen.

I told you so, didn't I? Huh?

- Mother.

- Oh, come on.

You were over that fusspot

a long time ago.

At least she didn't cheat on you

like Richard did with me.

What about Robin?

No, don't you worry about Red.

We'll get custody of her.

Oh, Billy Boy,

Momma's gonna take care of everything.

All you have to worry about

is taking care of me.

And the cause.

Oh.

Why are people so emotional?

Um... why do they put the battleground

in the public schools

and become so emotionally involved

when people say,

"You mean they're not gonna

permit our children,

uh, to start their daily schedule

with a nondenominational prayer?"

Their argument, of course, is,

"How can it affect anybody?

It can't hurt. Um..."

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