The Muppet Movie Page #5

for every fallen star.

Exactly.

She just walked out on me.

- Typical. That's why I live alone.

- You do, huh?

You bet.

I finish work,

I go home, read a book...

have a couple of beers,

take myself for a walk and go to bed.

Nice and simple.

- Stay away from women. That's my motto.

- But I can't.

Neither can I.

That's my trouble.

You can't live with 'em

You can't live without 'em

There's something

irresistible-ish about 'em

We grin and bear it

'cause the nights are long

I hope that somethin'better

comes along

I see what you mean.

It's no good complainin'

and pointless to holler

If she's a beauty

she'll get under your collar

She made a monkey

out of old King Kong

I hope that somethin'better

comes along

Still, it's fun

when you're fetchin'

And agree to see an etching

That you keep at your lily pad

There is no solution

It's part of evolution

The pitter patter of soles

The little feet of tadpoles

Rowlf, tadpoles don't have feet.

Sorry about that.

Two, three, four.

There's no limitation

to mixin'and matchin'

Some get an itchin'for a critter

they've been scratchin'

A skunk was badgered

The results were strong

I hope that something better

I hope that something better

I hope that something better

comes along

Phone call for Kermit the Frog!

- You Kermit the Frog?

- Yeah.

Phone.

It's not that often you see a guy

that green have the blues that bad.

Kermie, please!

- Piggy, is that you?

- Yes, that's her.

And this is Doc Hopper.

Now you listen, frog, and listen good.

Step outside the motel right now.

My guys'll meet you there.

Well,

what if I don't?

Then your girlfriend

will be ham hocks by breakfast.

Kermie, don't, don't!

Are you the guys

I'm supposed to meet?

Good, Glen. That's good.

Nice and tight.

- The professor's here, Doc.

- Show him in. Show him in.

Kermie, I'm not a bit worried.

I know you're planning

something bold and clever.

Well, I got us

this far, didn't I?

- How are you?

- Professor Krassman.

It's good to see you, Doc,

you little rustic devil, you.

Where's my victim?

I mean, patient.

- Step this way, Professor.

- Of course.

Let me introduce you

to your patient.

Prof. Krassman is

the world's leading authority...

on mind control in frogs.

It's a very rapidly growing field.

You like garlic, don't you?

Tell us what you're gonna do

to our little Kermit.

Well, we're going to perform

an electronic ''cerebrectomy.''

- A what?

- An electronic cerebrectomy!

What's that?

It's something so sensational

that you'll have to hold on to your hat.

- Yes?

- When a German scientist says...

'' Hold on to your hat,''

it's not casual conversation.

Hold on to your hat!

Hat, hold! Good!

Now, what we're going to do is bring out

a machine that's going to wow you.

Bertram, Bertram,

bring out the machine!

Wait till you see this. You think

we're sleeping in Dusseldorf?

You think we're taking a nap

in Cologne? No, we're working at night.

Each night, a new dial,

a new knob, a diode.

- Electronic ce--

- Cerebrectomy.

- Electronic cerebrectomy.

- What does it do?

What does it do?

It turns the brains into guacamole.

First of all,

I'll pull out of this, okay?

Wonderful.

Second?

Halt!

I detest the surfeit

of provincial laughter.

Now, we take your friend,

the little '' F-O-R-G''...

put him in the chair,

clamp on the terminals...

drop the electronic yarmulke...

and throw, what we call

in German, the switch.

Yes, you little green devil...

soon it'll be a hot time

at the old skull tonight.

Thank you, Herr Machine.

Now, the frog will do your bidding.

He will do your every whim, He will do

your television commercial, yes.

He will sell your frogs' legs.

- Zaparooni.

- Head full of jelly.

- A noggin full of library paste!

- Let's fry them brains!

- You've got a fun job.

- I love it, I love it.

If I could inflict a little pain during

the afternoon, I sleep good at night.

- We'll let you get on with it, then.

- My pleasure.

Max.

I'll be back later

to pick up what's left of the frog.

''What's left of the frog.'' You can have

everything, excuse the brain.

All right.

Bring over the frog.

Kermie, whatever happens next...

I wouldn't give up

this evening together for anything.

- Would you?

- Make me an offer.

Okay, I got him.

I got him.

Good, good.

And why don't we take

a little seat, Kermit?

Hold his hands down.

Get your feeties in place.

Will you

stop whimpering?

Go out like a frog,

not a little toad.

Okay, Herr Machine, this is

big time here. Ready to go to work?

Hand clamps!

Foot clamps!

You can struggle

all you want now, frog.

It'll do you

very little good.

All right. And now

it's time to drop...

the electronic beanie.

Soon there'll be enough voltage coursing

through your little frog brain...

to light up Cincinnati.

- Here we go.

- Oh, please! Not my frog, please!

- Say good-bye to the frog, pig.

- Why should I?

Because in ten seconds,

he won't know you from kosher bacon.

That does it!

What the heck's goin' on here?

A pig that goes bananas?

What is this, a luau?

Where'd she go?

Oh, boys.

There she is! Get her!

I must reach the switch.

I must!

- Switch-- I must reach--

- Oh, no.

- Now, Kermie.

- Thank you.

Well...

shall we go now, Kermie?

Well--

just a second.

What?

Piggy, it's your agent.

Thank you.

Yeah, Morty.

What have you got?

Commercial?

How much? When?

Take it.

Good-bye!

What happened?

Flip, flip, flip, flip.

Don't worry, Animal.

Your big scene is coming up.

Yeah, yeah.Just be cool and

eat another seat cushion.

Seat cushion!

Well, how do you

like the film?

I've seen detergents that

leave a better film than this.

I don't care what anybody else says.

I'm having a great time.

Oh, good.

- The ''flim'' is okey-dokey.

- Good. Roll film.

'' Flim'' is ''rooling.''

Quiet, quiet.

This is the patriotic part.

- Should we stand up?

- No.

Oh, beautiful

for spacious skies

For amber waves of grain

For purple mountains'majesties

Above the fruited plain

America, America

God shed His grace on thee

And crown thy good

with brotherhood

From sea to

Shining sea

Patriotism swells in the heart

of the American bear.

Hold it, boys. Hold it!

Hold your fire!

Now, boys, no reflection

on the job you been doin'...

but I decided

to bring in a specialist.

Now, boys,

this is Snake Walker.

Tell 'em what you do, Snake.

Kill frogs.

- How long is it to Hollywood?

- We gotta be there by tomorrow.

Hey, Kermit! Are you going to

get an agent like that pig had?

Gonzo, you know

he's touchy about that.

- Hey, who's that? I don't believe that.

- Oh, no.

- That's Piggy.

- Yeah, I know.

Do you think we should

help her with her bag?

Oh, Kermie!

What an unbelievable coincidence!

Hello again.

It's me!

Would you hold

my laundry case?

- Well.

- Well what?

So much has happened to me

since I saw you last.

Frankly, Miss Piggy,

I don't give a hoot.

My name is Rowlf the Dog, and I was

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