The Nice Guys Page #4

(SCOFFING) Your radar?

(LAUGHING)

Let me tell you what two days

of detective work looks like, okay?

You drive around like an a**hole.

You're gonna spend half the time

interviewing the f***ing Chets

of the world.

You spend the other half trying

to translate fuckwit to English.

And when it's over,

the only thing that's changed

is that the sun went down twice.

And nothing ever works out,

is that what you're trying to say?

-Never.

-But you get paid.

Sometimes.

Hey.

Son of a b*tch.

Hatrack.

-What?

-Hatrack. Look at that.

-(CAR HONKING)

-What?

Sid Shattuck. Who's that?

HOLLAND:
Savage Sid, the porn king.

Well, he didn't burn up,

so let's go talk to him.

I said I'd like to speak to Sid personally.

I'm asking after a friend of ours, Amelia.

I'm an old friend.

Why don't we invite him in?

No animals in the house, sweetheart.

Yeah, I'm here.

Say that again.

Okay. Thank you very much.

Is that the number you got

for Sid Shattuck?

Yeah. Can you hang this up?

They're getting ready for a party

and I asked about Amelia

and they said she'd be right back.

Back? Like she's been staying there?

Yeah.

-So you found her?

-Maybe.

Can you stay at one of your friends'?

I can stay with Jessica, but...

-You're going to a party?

-No.

I'm going to a big party. Jacket.

Sweetheart, it's a job. I gotta take it.

If I don't, we won't get to live

in such a nice house.

I hate this house.

We're not even supposed to be here.

-Go to Janet's.

-Jessica's.

-Which one's she?

-The one with the brown hair.

-Glass eye?

-The one that you like.

And like the Hitler-stache?

(SIGHS)

I'm friends with a cop, you know.

-Is that so?

-He likes my dad a lot, too.

Maybe they should get married.

(HUFFS)

JACKSON:
So, you know the old lady, right?

-Did you believe her?

-What about?

When she said she saw

Misty alive that night,

did you believe her?

God, no. She's blind as a bat.

JACKSON:
Uh-huh.

She has actual coke bottles for glasses.

You paint a moustache

on a Volkswagen, she says,

"Boy, that Omar Sharif sure runs fast."

(UPBEAT DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)

(PEOPLE CHEERING IN THE DISTANCE)

(NEIGHS)

Jesus tap-dancing Christ!

All I told him was that

if you want me to do that,

then don't eat the asparagus.

GIRL:
Why?

(KNOCKING)

I know what you're gonna say,

but since I'm already here,

you might as well

take me in with you, right?

(KNOCKING CONTINUES)

Um, I can't take your car like that.

-Stop it.

-What?

Stop it. Stop it. Dad.

Dad, there's like whores here and stuff.

Sweetheart, how many times have I told you?

Don't say "and stuff."

Just say, "Dad, there are whores here."

Well, there's like a ton.

Wait. No. I can help you.

Seriously? I came all this way.

I love you.

-(UPBEAT POP MUSIC PLAYING)

-(PEOPLE CHEERING)

(SINGING POP FUNK SONG)

(LAUGHING)

It's not my nose that grows.

(TREE MAN GROANS)

Whoa. Well, we know Mary Jane turned up.

-Who's that?

-Mary Jane. Marijuana. Pot.

Place reeks of it. They're smoking it.

-Oh, yeah. I can't smell.

-What?

I got hit in the head a while back.

I lost my sense of smell.

You can't smell?

-Yeah.

-Wow.

You're a detective who can't smell?

Yeah.

Oh, this just keeps getting

better and better.

Wow, that's really insensitive.

(VOCALISING)

HOLLAND:
(CLEARS THROAT)

Look, if Amelia doesn't show,

we still got Shattuck, right?

But if things get rough, I'm injured.

-So you're gonna have to handle it.

-JACKSON:
Right.

Well, you know, blind his son,

or, you know, whatever it is.

You work your magic. Where you going?

I think this is gonna work better,

faster, if we split up.

-Okay?

-What?

You see a guy with a blue face,

you come and find me.

(SONG CONTINUES)

WOMAN:
You wanna smoke?

Drink?

No, I... (STUTTERS)

(SNIFFS)

Hey, uh... Sorry.

(SLOW ROCK SONG PLAYING)

It's the killer bees.

That's what you gotta worry about.

You know why they call them

killer bees, don't you?

-'Cause they'll kill you.

-HOLLAND:
Good point.

-Excuse me.

-Hello, handsome.

You, uh, seem to have a very

good vantage point up there.

-I lost my sister.

-GIRL:
Yeah.

She's got dark hair, your height.

She's wearing clothes, but...

MAN:
Come on, baby, keep dancing!

HOLLAND:
Answers to Amelia.

Hey. You want another drink?

Just leave the girl alone.

-Hi, everyone.

-WOMAN:
Hey.

I'm Amelia. She's about dark hair.

Answers to the call of the wild. (SIGHS)

-I'm just kidding.

-WOMAN:
(LAUGHS) What?

I forgot her name,

but, you know, if you see you,

just if you see, let me know

and tell me my name.

(POP SONG PLAYING)

-Sorry.

-Thank you.

-You want a drink?

-No, thanks.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

WOMAN:
Ow!

-(WOMAN MOANING ON TV)

-Holly. Hey, hey.

I don't think you should be watching this.

What's it to you, idiot?

Move. You're in my way.

-(GROANS)

-(GASPS)

Listen, dickweed,

that little girl's a minor.

Where do you get off showing

her stuff like this anyway?

He's not showing it to me.

She put it on.

Well, she shouldn't be

watching stuff like this either.

Watching it?

(SCOFFS) Man, I'm in it.

(WOMAN MOANING LOUDLY)

Oh, right. Look, go home, right?

Your dad told you to go home. Go home.

By the way, I'm supposed to

meet someone here.

Do you by any chance

know a girl named Amelia?

I think she did a film with Sid Shattuck.

Don't know her, but Sid's gross.

He told me this one chick

was his sister, right,

and then a few days later

I walk in on them

and they're all doing anal and stuff.

(SIGHS)

Don't say, "and stuff."

Just say, "They're doing anal."

(FUNK SONG PLAYING)

WOMAN:
Hey, Pocahontas!

-Hey.

-I'm a cowboy.

-And you?

-Pocahontas.

-What do you do?

-I do a little bit of acting.

-Me, too. Hey, shoot me.

-What?

Shoot me, shoot me, shoot me.

F***ing shoot me.

Bang!

That's pretty good.

-Bang!

-Oh.

Bang!

(GROANING)

Son of a...

(LAUGHS)

-(CLAPPING)

-Whoo! That was great!

Sh*t.

Sh*t!

My f***ing gun.

-(LEAVES RUSTLING)

-Jesus.

You scared me.

Do I know you?

I'm not gonna hurt you.

No, I'm just looking for my gun.

So...

(PANTING)

I got it!

So...

There you go, March.

March, March, he's our man.

If he can't do it, no one can.

March.

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

March.

March.

(SNORTING)

(WHEEZING)

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

Healy. Healy!

Healy!

Healy!

Healy!

Come on. Come down here.

What the f*** are you doing down there?

Get down here!

-Healy!

-It's all right, man.

What?

-Oh, f***.

-I'm gonna be sick, throw up.

Oh.

Who the f*** is that?

(JACKSON GRUNTS)

It's Sid Shattuck.

-That's Sid Shattuck.

-Don't tell me that.

Oh, no. Sh*t!

-What's going on?

-Sh*t!

Everybody worked

on this Amelia flick, right?

The boyfriend, then Misty,

-now Sid. They're all dead.

-(GROANING)

Before we go solving

the crime of the century,

let's deal with

the f***ing rotting corpse.

What the f***

are we gonna do with this guy?

-We gotta get rid of him.

-Why?

I lost my gun.

There was a girl. She can place me.

All right, we got a plan.

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