The Nice Guys Page #3

Get paid twice.

Wow, that is very telling.

I'm a detective, and we have a code.

We don't do that.

But interesting. Good to know.

-Okay.

-Good to know.

You were looking for Amelia, right?

Yes and no.

Excuse me?

My profession is very complicated, okay?

It's nuanced.

What does that mean?

F*** it.

Last week, this old broad comes to me

and she asks me to find her niece,

-Misty Mountains.

-Misty Mountains?

The porno actress?

The one that died?

The young lady.

The porno young lady.

But, yeah, she died in a crash

and then two days later

her aunt goes to her house

to clean out the place,

and lo and behold,

alive and well, Misty Mountains.

She sees her through the window.

She sees her get in her car.

-She sees her drive away.

-Bullshit.

Bullshit's right. She's dead

and then she's alive.

That's what I'm talking about.

It's very f***ing complicated.

But I persevere, you know.

I run the tape through and I think,

"Okay, maybe there was a girl there."

Amelia? The old lady saw Amelia?

Well, look who decided

to show up for class. Yeah.

There's a gate guard,

he keeps track of all the cars

that go in and out.

So I checked with him,

I ran the plate, I got the name.

And?

Three. Three what?

Three days in advance

if you want the rest of the story.

F*** you. Come on, $600?

That's f***ing robbery.

I've only got $400.

Well, it's early.

You can go rob a bank if you hurry.

-(EXCLAIMS)

-Jesus!

-What are you doing here?

-Giving you a rim job.

What? Rim shot.

-Rim shot.

-HOLLY:
Whatever.

Hey, can we go one more game before...

You're the guy who beat up my dad.

-Hey.

-No. Sucker-punched your dad.

Big difference. But don't worry.

He just did it for money.

(CHUCKLES) You beat people up

and charge money?

Yeah. Sad, isn't it?

-That's really your job?

-Yeah.

-No way.

-Yeah.

So, um, how much would you charge

to beat up my friend Janet?

-What?

-How much you got?

-30 bucks.

-Look, apple pie.

-JACKSON:
Is she a big girl?

-She's tall. Super annoying.

-HOLLAND:
Apple pie.

-She's always mean to me.

This conversation is over.

-We're just talking.

-And it's over.

JACKSON:
$400, that's all.

$400, two days.

We find her earlier, I still get to keep it.

-Done.

-HOLLAND:
Deal. Great.

'Cause I already know where she is.

JACKSON:
Adult film star Misty Mountains,

shown here at last month's

Detroit auto show.

High-profile case for you, right?

Made the newspapers.

You know, the thing about

keeping your mouth closed is

it prevents you from speaking.

Sure.

Unless, of course, you're a ventriloquist.

F*** those guys.

You can always see their mouths moving.

You can what?

Ventriloquism, it doesn't work.

(CHUCKLES) Sometimes.

Never.

-Look at these idiots.

-MAN:
Join us.

All right. Well...

-Goodbye.

-Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hold on.

What do you mean, goodbye?

This is Amelia's protest group.

She's in there somewhere, so have at it.

Wait. How do you know she's in there?

'Cause it's her protest group.

She started it.

That's the hot tip I got yesterday

before you broke my arm.

Yeah, but she's holed up

somewhere hiding.

What makes you think

she's gonna be here?

-That's her protest group.

-Stop saying that.

-I'd like to stop saying...

-You said that.

I hear it. It's her protest group.

I don't hear you hearing it.

Hey, Amelia?

-Amelia?

-Amelia?

-She's not here.

-She's here.

-Amelia.

-WOMAN:
We can't talk to you.

Who said that?

We can't talk to you. We're dead.

No, I...

Yeah, I get it, you know.

Like it's very clever. I'm hip.

But this is actually a really serious matter.

So is this. We've all been killed.

-No, you haven't.

-F*** you, man. We're dead.

They can't talk to you, man.

They're dead.

What's the protest about?

Do you know?

Any of you know why you're protesting?

-The air.

-Air.

-You're protesting the air?

-The pollution.

The birds can't breathe.

So all of you died because of the pollution?

Right.

What about the gas masks?

They didn't save you?

This is f***ing... All right.

(SCREAMS)

-F***er.

-HOLLAND:
Sorry.

I thought you were dead.

Look, Amelia, we know you're here,

so this is very...

Hey, d*ckhead. She's not here.

WOMAN:
She's not here

because of her boyfriend.

Her boyfriend died,

like really died, like three days ago.

-HOLLAND:
Her boyfriend died?

-Yeah.

So where is she?

Sorry, can't help you. We're dead.

God damn it.

All right, which one of you cock and balls

wants to make 20 bucks, huh?

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

-Up here, Chet?

-Yeah, make a left here.

It's here.

Just... Just pull over.

It's right here. On the left.

Right... Look. Left.

Right here.

This is Dean's house.

Amelia's boyfriend, Dean.

You gotta be f***ing kidding me.

I know, it's crazy.

What the f*** is this, Chet?

(DOG BARKS)

This place looks so much bigger now.

Do you even really know Amelia, Chet?

Uh, yeah, well, like kind of

like mainly through Dean.

Dean was a film-maker. Um...

Kind of like experimental

kinds of films. Um...

That's actually like kind of how we met,

'cause I'm kind of

in the business myself.

-Huh? What do you do?

-(SNIFFS) Projectionalist.

Yeah, anyway, um, Dean had

this whole room like filled with film stock.

One day it just went up,

you know... (EXHALES)

And, uh, yeah, it cost the guy

his life and his life's work.

So, kind of, I don't know,

kind of makes you think, right?

Not really, Chet.

Hey, kid. Kid.

(SIGHS) What?

You know the guy who lived here?

Maybe. What's it to you?

Hey, he'll give you $20 if you answer.

I didn't say that.

20 bucks, man, or you can blow.

Wow.

Thank you.

Yeah, I knew the dude.

Film-maker dude.

Saw him making a film last month.

Experimental films, right?

I guess. More like a nudie film.

Did you see a girl about 5'8",

dark hair, named Amelia?

Nope.

-Saw that famous chick.

-What famous chick?

Dead one. Porn star. Misty something.

-You saw Misty Mountains here?

-Yeah.

Talked to the producer. (MUTTERS)

No, his name was Sid...

Sid Hatrack. Yeah.

-Nobody's name is Hatrack.

-Whatever. Tried to get a job.

I offered to show my dick

'cause I got a big dick.

-Oh, right.

-Yeah.

(CHET CHUCKLES)

-Well, that's very nice.

-Yeah.

You sure you didn't see another girl?

(SIGHS) Nope.

You guys wanna see my dick?

Nobody wants to see your dick, dude.

-20 bucks?

-We already paid you 20...

-What am I saying?

-Oh, all right.

Fags!

Hey, kid.

What?

What was the name of that film?

(SIGHS)

I don't know. Uh...

How Do You Like My Car, Big Boy?

There it is.

"Do you wanna see my dick?"

Unbelievable.

This is what I'm talking about.

It's over.

The days of ladies and gentlemen are over.

This is what Holly's

looking down the barrel of.

This is what she's dealing with,

the f***ing Chets and that idiot.

JACKSON:
Well, one thing

we know for sure,

something funny's going on.

No, it's not. No.

A guy burned up. It happens.

It happened three days ago,

the exact same day

Amelia fell off my radar.

Rate this script:3.7 / 3 votes