The Night Before Page #10

Look at me, a**hole.

What the f*** wrong with you?

- Who the f*** are you?

- Hey. He's my friend!

Back off, man!

Yo! Back the f*** up, all right?

Oh, sh*t just got real, huh?

Yeah, go ahead and punch him, man.

TMZ will love that sh*t.

I got the biggest motherfucking phone

on the planet.

And your ass will be trending

in 10 minutes.

Who in here follow Chrisrob11?

Put your f***ing hands down!

- His social media game is crazy!

- Crazy!

Run.

Go, go. Get out there. No! No!

No. No! No!

Yeah!

- No, no!

- I'm a lawyer! I'm a lawyer!

- Magical night, isn't it?

- Jesus. You scared me.

Mr. Green.

Man, you're everywhere tonight.

I end every Christmas at this party.

What do you mean? How do you get in?

It's my party.

What?

About 20 years ago...

I read The Great Gatsby.

I love that book.

Movie's all right,

3D gives me a headache...

but I'm a sucker for Leo.

So this guy...

he throws all these parties

and nobody knows who he is.

I thought,

"Wow, that's pretty f***ing cool."

My cousin Larry's got this

giant warehouse in Brooklyn...

figured I'm working on Christmas

anyway, so I should do it too.

We started out pretty small.

Just a punch bowl and some sleigh bells...

and it gets bigger and bigger every year.

This year we added that train.

Through the trippy tunnel of lights.

- Cool way to enter a party, right?

- Yeah.

What'd you think of Miley?

Yeah, she was great.

She was great.

Ethan, you and I both know,

Miley was flawless.

Something's bugging you.

Your friends, they ain't gonna leave you.

They need you, kid.

How do you know about that?

Smoke this.

Nah, I'm good, man.

Weed makes me paranoid now.

This is the staff of life.

Okay.

You're making me a little uncomfortable.

I've been told my quiet intensity

has that effect on people.

But sometimes...

being uncomfortable can be a good thing.

F*** it. Thanks.

- Hey.

- Hey, man.

- Sup, dude?

- What are you guys doing here?

We just thought maybe

you'd wanna hang out.

Some company or something.

Just say what's up.

That's cool.

I'm packing all this sh*t up.

Old people have so much stuff.

You guys remember that.

You have to throw things away in life.

For sure.

- Play some Nintendo?

- Yeah, N64?

I think I'm just gonna chill here.

I appreciate you guys coming over,

but I think I'm just gonna...

No, man. F*** that, dude.

It's Christmas.

You can't be alone.

Let's hang out.

Go to my mom's house.

Play some "GoldenEye."

Come on. Look, I got some whiskey.

I stole some hash from my brother.

Rolled it in this doob.

We get pretty f***ed up.

I'm sorry.

- No. It's cool.

- It's all good, man.

It's okay, man.

I just miss them.

We miss them too.

Yeah, man.

But you know what?

We're your new family now.

I'll be your daddy,

Chris'll be your mommy.

No, I'm gonna be the daddy,

you be the mom.

You guys are good friends.

We'll be here whenever you need us, man.

Always, man.

Yeah, always there for you, bro.

You can't smoke that in here.

Figure we can now.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- F***, that's crazy.

- What we hiding this for?

Take a hit, dude.

A little bit for the homeys.

It's so cold outside too.

We should go to Christmas Tree

at Rockefeller Center.

- Yes.

- That's a good idea.

Then we go to FAO Schwarz....

And we dance on the piano!

- Like Tom Hanks in Big.

- "Heart and Soul."

Then we eat Chinese food,

because I'm f***ing high.

And then go to the karaoke spot

right by the Chinese food place.

That's a f***ing good idea.

It's a dope night.

That was f***ing touching, yo.

Those are some ride-or-die homeys

you got there.

Cherish that sh*t.

It's all different now.

Those guys don't need me anymore.

Oh, yeah? Listen.

We need him!

We're not leaving without him!

He's my best friend in the whole world.

I can't leave him here.

Don't let the red noses fool you,

these f***ers are tough.

What if I run in,

and you try to climb in a window?

Maybe if you boost me up

we can get around them.

No, I can't boost you,

you're too heavy, man.

We need our friend

and we'll never leave him behind!

- Hand him over, reindeer!

- Yo!

I'll charge and you go.

- There he is!

- Hey!

Thank God, we've been

looking everywhere for you!

Rudolph is kicking our ass!

- I'm here!

- Get down here so we can go!

Here I come!

Come around!

I got your nose!

I got your nose, a**hole!

How about that, Rudolph?

- Thanks, Mr. Green.

- You're welcome.

It was a pretty dumb thing you did.

I know. I didn't think it through at all.

I just saw her at the bar and just....

I don't know man,

I really, really like this girl.

I can't help it.

I was scared of being alone

and did some stupid sh*t.

I think she just wanted you to do...

some normal sh*t that boyfriends do

after two years of dating.

But I'm not normal. You know this.

I'm not normal.

Bunch of abnormal sh*t happened to me.

Or, I don't know,

maybe that's just an excuse.

I guess I'm pretty good at making excuses.

- Yeah.

- All the time.

If you get paid for that

you'd be really successful.

Why didn't you tell me?

You know, it's hard to tell someone.

You have a good reason

to be making excuses.

It's just kind of ruining your life.

It's harder to stay friends with people

when you're older.

You have so much

of your own sh*t going on.

We'll just have to try harder.

It's important, you know?

Come on.

I really love you.

I love you a lot.

Thanks, man.

Oh, no.

- Oh, no.

- What's up?

I have 96 missed calls.

Holy sh*t.

- Oh, no, Betsy's gone into labor, I bet.

- No.

Why the f*** would she call that

many times? Oh, no, she's calling again.

Hello?

Hello? Yes. All right.

All right. That's fine.

I will be right there.

As fast as I can. Don't worry.

Betsy's going into f***ing labor.

- What?

- What?

Oh, no! Oh, no!

- Come on!

- Oh, no!

We'll never get a f***ing cab over here!

Wait, look!

It's Mr. Green's car!

It's a Christmas miracle!

- Isaac, can you drive?

- Yeah!

No, no, no, I'm kidding! I'll drive!

I believe I finally earned these.

Come on. I got you. I got you.

No, no, no. There you go.

There you go.

Get out of the way!

Where is she? Where is she?

Cindy? Where is she?

Is everything okay?

It's okay. Nothing happened.

It was a false alarm.

Oh, God!

False alarm!

Betsy?

Thank God. I'm so sorry.

Where were you?

I made a mistake.

I made a huge mistake.

I called you.

- I switched phones with Sarah.

- From work?

It's a long story.

It doesn't matter. I just need to

tell you something. Okay?

Okay.

I'm gonna come clean with you.

Those drugs you gave me...

they sent me on a spirit quest.

You know, like a spirit quest

in an Oliver Stone movie or Young Guns.

And when that happened

I kind of realized...

that maybe I've been lying to, maybe,

myself and you...

about how I really feel about some stuff.

I'm just gonna show you this.

- Just watch this.

- Okay.

This baby is a bad f***ing call.

I'm not ready for it!

We got to do this responsible thing

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