The Night Before Page #4

Hey, yo.

This is a message for future Isaac...

from current Isaac.

And I have to tell you to listen to me...

because right now I have clarity.

You should not be having

this f***ing baby.

This baby's a mistake.

The baby will ruin your life.

You'll ruin the baby's life!

And then the baby

will f***ing murder people!

I don't know what you do at this point,

but get rid of this f***ing baby!

Put it in a bag and leave it somewhere!

Put it in a basket

and push it down a f***ing river!

F*** you, baby!

F*** your baby-f***ing little arms...

and your f***ing chubby little

baby-f***ing legs!

F*** you, baby! F*** you! C*nt!

Okay.

F***.

Have some fun! Yeah!

Let's party!

- Isaac?

- F***! Yeah!

Hi, Sarah! Whaddup?

- How's it going?

- All right.

Good. Cool.

What's going on? You good?

You're so sweaty.

It's hot in here. I run hot.

We have this tradition

where we wear sweaters.

I don't always wear a sweater, obviously.

When I'm inside I'd normally take it off.

I think it would hurt my friends' feelings.

You're talking so fast,

you sound like an auctioneer.

That's funny. Sold!

- That was kind of scary.

- Sorry. I don't mean to scare you.

- It's like, "Sold!"

- Oh, my God!

You shouldn't have said it.

Now it's all I can think about.

- You want a drink?

- Sure!

Let's have a drink.

I'll be right back.

Thanks, Isaac.

Betsy said you've been asking about me.

- That's a lie.

- That's a lie.

Betsy would never in a billion years

say anything even remotely like that.

How's your family?

You're asking about my family.

Sorry, I can't believe it.

Who are you?

I deserve that.

My family, thank you for asking, is fine.

You usually stay with them

on Christmas Eve, no?

Yeah, I'm staying with them,

but I'm going to this thing with Sarah.

What is it?

Okay, she's dating this guy,

and he got us into this party.

And I know you've

always wanted to go to it....

Sh*t. Are you going

to the Nutcracker Ball?

Yeah. I'm sorry.

We're going too.

- You are?

- Isn't that crazy?

I'm happy for you. Your last Christmas...

and you get to go to the big dumb party

you've always wanted to go to.

You bringing anyone?

To the dumb party?

- Any guys?

- Me?

Yeah, I'm bringing these two guys...

that I'm kind of dating.

With really huge d*cks.

Who've got enormous,

almost novelty-sized d*cks.

I've been seeing a girl

with a huge vagina.

Have you?

I don't know if it really

has the same impact.

I just hope that this

nice young lady's vagina...

is not half as big as mine.

- Your vagina, I mean....

- The biggest! I know.

- Here you go.

- Thank you so much. Appreciate that.

- It's on your tab.

- Cool.

Cheers!

This is so much fun!

Good beer.

They say beer mellows you out a bit,

which is nice.

This is kind of cool-tasting.

Tastes like pennies or something.

- Weird. It has a coppery flavor?

- Yeah.

Bizarre. Maybe it's the vodka?

You know what?

I think they gave you a Crantini.

You ever think maybe they're all

part of the same Tini family?

Martini, Crantini.

- It's just a funny idea, I thought.

- I guess it's funny.

Isaac. You have a bloody nose.

- I what?

- Your nose is bleeding.

My nose is bleeding?

- Do you not feel that?

- Oh, no!

It's f***ed. There's a lot of blood.

No, my nose is very tingly right now. And I

actually don't feel much. That's so weird.

Holy f***!

What?

Did you bleed in my drink?

No.

You f***ing bled in my drink, Isaac!

I'm gonna come clean.

I'm on a lot of cocaine right now.

I think that's what made my nose bleed.

You're on f***ing cocaine?

- Did you drink a lot of it?

- Kind of!

- Is it that gross?

- It's mega-gross.

I didn't do it on purpose.

You're a totally f***ing f***ed-up person.

You should not be a father. Goodbye!

F*** you!

F*** you, Isaac!

I'm sorry. F*** you!

No, f*** you!

Piss off! People are f***ing in here!

Zero, 11!

Now, take a dump.

What?

Hey, guys! Sorry to interrupt.

Hey, Ethan.

We need to get the f*** out of here.

I'm losing my sh*t right now.

What happened?

Please. I wanna go right now.

- I'm right behind you.

- Thank you.

- Sorry.

- I'm sorry.

Yikes.

I guess that's my cue.

- Tell her I'm sorry.

- You don't have to be sorry.

I guess I'll see you later.

Okay. Hey, hey, hey.

This is....

Come on, man.

- Ethan!

- Have you seen Isaac?

Forget Isaac. I just fame-f***ed

that hipster chick in the bathroom.

- So that's her?

- Hell, yeah.

Can we go?

- Are you okay?

- I'm fine! Let's go.

It's after 10. We can call the

party number now.

Let's call! Let's call!

I'll get this address.

This better f***ing work.

If you want your Christmas merry...

go to the corner of Grand and Berry.

Okay.

Grand and Berry, please!

Listen, listen. Diana is also going

to the Nutcracker Ball.

How crazy is that, right?

She's cool. I miss her.

Yeah, you shouldn't have let her go, dude.

You should totally get her back, bro.

My mom's named Diana.

Yeah, thanks.

I didn't let her go.

- She left me.

- You didn't wanna meet her parents...

and you never did, and you just kept

making excuses for two years.

She made the whole relationship

about the one thing I didn't wanna do.

Dude, you f***ed up.

Isaac, tell him, he f***ed up.

- You f***ed up, man.

- See?

Hey, Isaac. You okay?

No, I'm not.

I think the cocaine and the mushrooms

are reacting poorly.

And now I think

I just got to balance it out.

I got to make it

that I'm more on mushrooms...

because I was having fun on mushrooms.

- I have a plan.

- Chill out. Have a Red Bull.

You could also just

stop doing drugs right now.

Like, much more mushrooms.

- Are you gonna be cool at this party?

- Cool as f***, G.

No, you're not cool, G.

You look insane.

Only your right eye is working.

There's gonna be a lot of

famous people at this party...

and I don't want you to f*** it up.

You walk in there

looking like a sh*t show....

Do I look weird now?

Yes! You look weird!

Still weird.

Weirder!

- He looks fine.

- No, you don't!

You need to f***ing check yourself,

before....

Before...

I wreck myself?

- Is that what you're saying?

- Yes.

Chickity-check myself,

before I wrickity-wreck myself?

How does that make someone feel?

To be told

that they might wreck themselves.

You're not gonna wreck yourself.

You made him feel bad.

Why don't you just leave him alone?

- Look, he's not right, dude.

- Gonna mellow out.

Why don't you have some weed

and mellow out.

- You got the weed?

- No.

- You got the weed, dude?

- No.

She stole my f***ing weed.

She was rummaging through my jacket

when I was hitting her from the back.

I knew it! She f***ing took my weed!

That serves you right.

Dude, it's not funny!

She stole my f***ing weed!

The last place I wanna be is

outside my mom's house right now.

School's far. Your mom lives close.

How long did Mr. Green say

he would be here in?

Half hour.

That's fine. Let's just go inside

and wait. I'm freezing.

No, no, no. We're not going inside.

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