The Night Before Page #5

My mom's probably asleep.

A half hour for Mr. Green could be like

two hours of standing here.

We could be dead by then.

We could literally die by then.

Look, my mom doesn't know I'm here.

So let it go. We're not going upstairs.

- Really? You didn't tell her?

- No.

I told her I was in Philly

and I got a suite down at the Gansevoort.

I just think your mom would be happy

to see you on Christmas.

I'm not saying she wouldn't be happy

to see me, all right?

There's just a lot you don't understand.

All she wants to do is parade me around

and show me off to people.

Last time I was here,

she made me go to church with her...

and sign autographs, kiss babies,

tell people all my stats...

and what I did last Sunday.

It's too much.

- I have a question.

- What?

Does your mother still have a Nintendo 64?

Probably. She never

throws my stuff away. Why?

Right. So that's why

you don't wanna go upstairs...

because you're gonna lose

at "GoldenEye."

- "GoldenEye."

- "GoldenEye."

Okay. Let's do it. One game.

Nobody touch nothing.

But I love touching things.

All right, go, go, go.

- Dude, did you die and not tell us?

- Shut up.

It's amazing.

I was there when you won this.

You must be so proud.

Shut up and go.

Your bedroom.

Dude.

- Ethan.

- What?

I found you.

- You found me?

- Check you out.

Ethan Miller

Look at you, man.

You remember when we all first met at

the party? Whose f***ing party was that?

- Jocelyn Larue.

- Jocelyn Larue.

Yeah, that's right.

Remember the cops came?

We had to hide in the bathroom.

For three hours.

I was afraid we were gonna get caught,

because you were so f***ing loud.

I remember you wore that

Bob Marley tie-dye T-shirt...

and I asked you if you smoked weed?

I didn't even smoke weed.

I just liked Bob Marley and tie-dye.

I didn't get that was the vibe

I was putting out there.

You could have showed up

with purple hair and a cloak.

That was my warlock phase.

- That was a dope phase.

- Hell, yeah.

I'm surprised you even talked to us, Chris.

When I look back, I remember thinking:

"This guy's a jock.

And he's talking to a warlock

and a pretend pot-head."

True.

If it wasn't for y'all, I would have

never made it through that school.

- Sh*t. Wait, pause it.

- No, no pause.

The phone's buzzing.

You have to pause it.

- I'm buying you weed!

- Just keep it down!

Pause the f***ing game.

If you shoot me right now, you forfeit.

Oh, my God, if my mom wakes up.

Yeah, it's him. Mr. Green's here.

I'm never getting in that dude's car again.

He freaked me out.

I'll go.

Can you even walk?

I can fly.

Five-oh, bro. You're busted.

- Are you f***ing kidding me right now?

- Yeah, I'm just kidding.

Holy sh*t, dude.

Don't do that.

Oh, man. Hey, good seeing you, dude.

Long time.

It has been a long time.

- Been a long time, yeah.

- I remember you.

And you know I'm proud

of what you've become.

Husband, lawyer...

soon-to-be father.

That's really impressive.

Me, I don't have time for kids.

You're all my children.

You ever think of me as a father figure?

No.

Put your tiny hand in mine.

Yeah.

Rough night?

Little bit. Could you tell?

Am I wearing it on my sleeve?

I did a lot of drugs.

Mushrooms. Caps, too many caps.

Ate a lot of the caps.

And I just think it kind of

made me freak out a little bit.

And basically, I'm kind of just having

a hard time finding my place in all this.

Relax.

What's happening right now?

Just looking into your soul, man.

What are you seeing?

You need a nice mellow indica.

I got a great north Cali bud...

with a soothing body high...

and surprisingly accurate

visions of the future.

Yeah, sure. Whatever you got, bro.

Yeah. It's definitely a good time.

Unless...

you're dealing with some sh*t

you can't come to terms with.

No! That's not me!

That's a different guy.

I think all my issues are drug-related,

and my emotional state is completely...

cool, bro.

Just a little shot of this.

See if you like it.

Come on.

I'm good. I think I'll just ride the wave,

my main man.

I put my hands on you.

Take it.

Just not too hard.

Not too hard.

Where are we?

A strip club.

Eighteen years in the future.

- Is that my wife?

- Yeah.

You should probably talk to her.

I'm gonna get a beer, maybe a dance.

Cool.

Hi.

Sit down. The show's about to start.

Okay.

Okay, fellas, let's hear it for Sierra!

Isn't she amazing?

Who is that?

It's our beautiful baby girl.

What the f***?

Pop it, girl! Pop that P!

Pop it! Pop it!

You hear me, young lady?

Pop your p*ssy!

It's okay, sweetie!

You don't have to pop your p*ssy!

You read all those books

and you didn't learn sh*t!

You really sh*t the bed as a dad!

Here you go. Drip, drop. Drip, drop.

I know.

Look at my finger. Look at my finger.

You need to give me a hundred bucks

and get the f*** out of my car right now.

Okay! Here!

Get out.

What are you doing?

I don't know what's happening.

Let's go. Let's just bail.

Turn your phone off.

You're gonna wake her up.

I don't know what's happening.

I don't know this song.

- Turn it off.

- Hello?

Hello?

Hey, Ma. It's Chrissy-poo!

Oh, my God! Chris!

Hey!

Oh, my God! Ethan!

What are you guys doing?

- Merry Christmas!

- Surprise!

This is....

Are you hungry?

I can heat up some food.

- Yeah!

- No, no, no.

Yes, you are. Yes, you are.

Sweetheart.

- Oh, you smell like weed.

- No.

More meatloaf, Isaac?

No, I'm okay.

Could I perhaps

have some more chardonnay...

to wash down my medication, please?

Of course.

Thank you.

So, Ethan, what's going on with you?

Not a lot. Just feeling good.

You got somebody special in your life?

No.

There was a young lady that he

used to date that he ran into today...

that I thought was pretty damn awesome.

- Yeah? What happened?

- It's a long story.

Not that long. She wanted to get serious,

but he wouldn't meet her parents.

She wanted to move in...

and you said you weren't

in the right head place for her to move in.

That's some straight-up bullshit.

Give me some, Ma.

Okay, okay, okay.

What, are you guys ganging up on me now?

You like this woman?

Yeah, she's awesome...

but there's a whole history here

that he's brushing over.

You want her back?

Yeah. I do.

If you want this woman,

you're gonna have to work for her.

But you happen to be very lucky,

because it's Christmas.

And there's magic in the air at Christmas.

People's hearts are open.

People want to forgive.

People want love.

I'd take advantage of that sh*t.

I'd find the opportunity,

and I would seize it.

Thank you, Mrs. Roberts.

I almost forgot, I'm gonna

need some more headshots.

James slide to reply

Huh.

A dick from someone named James?

His name is on my phone,

I must know him. Who is he?

James You like it?

Do I like it? What does that mean?

Oh, man. Maybe it's

James McFoley from work.

Holy sh*t.

This guy's a grower and a shower.

James Do you like it more now?

Do I like it more now? Jesus.

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