The Night Before Page #6

I mean, it's a dope dick.

Dope dick homey.

Tx. Do you want it?

Do I want it?

Of course I want a dick like that.

Who wouldn't want a dick

that looks like that?

Do you want to suck it?

Do I wanna suck it? Oh, man.

I'm gonna start putting people's

last names on my contacts.

No I don't.

I've never sucked a dick before.

You've never sucked a dick?

No, I've never sucked a dick but, well,

if I'm being totally honest with myself....

I once touched a guy's dick

at summer camp but that's it.

Damn it, why'd I tell him that?

This James guy is just

so easy to talk to. I told him too much.

You said you never sucked a dick before.

But tonight you're gonna.

Man, I guess that settles it.

Isaac Greenberg

is sucking his first dick tonight.

Did he tell you that they've

named a park after him?

You're gonna have a park named after you?

I petitioned the city,

I got the signatures...

and now there's gonna be the sweetest

little playground in Brooklyn...

that's named after him.

The park is not that nice!

There are crackheads, and...

Sweetheart, they're gonna clean that up.

We should get ready to go, guys. We have

to move. We're gonna miss the party.

- That's true.

- Why don't I just wrap all of this up?

You guys can take it down

to the homeless shelter.

It's only a few blocks away.

I'm sure they'd appreciate it.

You're right, Mom.

You boys are so sweet.

Thank you for coming.

- Wanna help me in the kitchen?

- Okay.

Thanks so much for dinner, Mrs. Roberts.

You're welcome, sweetheart!

Dude, what the f*** is going on with you?

- Are you gay?

- No!

Are you curious?

Everyone is! What does that

have to do with this?

I don't know.

Why are you looking up d*cks?

- Someone's sending me d*cks.

- Someone's sending you that?

Look, I'll show you. It's a f***ing

conversation. It's some guy named James.

A very nice, eloquent man named James

is sending me his penis.

And he wants me to suck on it.

I don't know what to do. I'm f***ing

freaking out. Do I do it? Should I do it?

This isn't your phone, man.

Dude, this isn't your phone!

Oh, sh*t. Is this Sarah's phone?

- Oh, no.

- What?

She has my phone.

It's okay, man. We know her.

We can get your phone back.

There's something bad on my phone.

You gonna be around tomorrow?

Folks out at the church would love to

see you. Aunt would too.

You know I'm busy, so....

I don't really like to do that stuff, Ma.

Won't take much time, Boo.

I know. It's just I have

an early flight...

and I really feel bad

that I have to run back to work so fast.

I just got so much stuff going on.

I'm a celebrity now.

I got appearances.

I got all kinds of stuff I have to do, Ma.

I can't just be lollygagging around...

and meeting old people.

I love you.

Betsy is gonna get that tape from Sarah...

and she's gonna freak the f*** out.

Why? Why would Betsy get the tape?

Because I put cocaine blood

into her f***ing drink.

And no one wants to drink cocaine blood.

Yeah. I'm gonna call her.

- How do you know her number?

- It's your number.

I'm trusting you on this.

I don't understand what's happening.

Where are we?

Sarah has your phone.

So I'm calling it.

Where are we right now?

- We're at Chris' house.

- What the f***?

You just stay calm, all right?

- It'll be okay.

- Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

You like that?

Here's the bad news.

- She didn't pick up.

- What?

- Everything's fine!

- I bit my tongue!

That boy need Jesus.

He needs something.

It's gonna be okay, though.

You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna

use Find My iPhone and find the phone.

It's loading. There it is!

It's in midtown.

Your phone's in midtown. It's all good.

Okay. All right. So here's the thing.

We're gonna go to the party,

because Sarah's gonna go to the party.

Guys, let's go.

- You be safe.

- Guys, be careful.

Let's go, guys!

Baby, hold on. Let me get you a bag.

You're gonna need a bag. Wait up!

This guy's dick is off the charts.

Yo, it's your man C-Rob coming at you

live from outside the homeless shelter.

We delivering turkeys

to homeless people...

because it's the giving season and they

do be gobbling, you know what I mean?

So if you're in the season of giving, hit me

up @Chrisrob11, hashtag "selfless giving."

And remember, it's not a good deed

if no one knows about it.

I got another dick, dude!

Drink Red Bull.

Oh, sh*t. Look, man, it's her!

It's the super fan,

sex maniac that stole my weed.

Come on, let's follow her.

No, we're not gonna follow her. Let's just

drop off the food and go to the party!

Sh*t! Look! Now she's stealing

from homeless people!

That's not right!

- Now, I'm going to teach her a lesson.

- Okay.

Hey! Did you steal my weed?

- No.

- We just saw you...

rob some homeless people

and I'm missing my weed, so....

You got me, I stole your weed.

But I told you right away

that I'm kind of a Grinch. Okay?

Eat me, sheep.

You're an actual Grinch.

You're like the mayor of Whoville.

I'm building a body of work.

I'm following in the path

of my Christmas heroes:

The Grinch, the Sticky Bandits,

Hans Gruber from Die Hard.

I walked by you and I heard you

going on about your Christmas plans...

and you're this football douche

and I Google you....

Jackpot! I pretend to be a fan...

we have sex, yaas.

And then I stole your weed.

It's Christmas! You don't steal

from people on Christmas.

I just want my weed back.

You're really cute when you get mad.

That's cute.

This is the thing I didn't expect.

To f***ing like you, dude.

You are so funny...

and talented, and handsome.

And easy. My God, dude!

Hey!

I'm gonna f***ing catch you!

Later, suckas!

She Home Alone'd me!

Are these Micro Machines?

- Wow!

- Let's go.

Girl's a genius.

Josh, hit the gas! Go!

We got to catch that girl!

Go down to the corner and make a right!

Hurry up, man! Chase her!

- Who?

- The girl who stole my weed! Hurry up!

- She stole your weed?

- Yeah.

That f***ing b*tch. I'm gonna kill her.

Go get her, baby!

Not so fast!

Guys, my iPhone's that way!

We got to find my iPhone!

It's the other direction! Please!

Slow down!

Speed up! Don't slow down!

If you're my guy, you won't slow down!

Hit the gas! Let's go!

Let's go.

There she is! There she is!

We got her! We got her!

Red light, red light!

No! You run that light! Are you my guy?

I'm your guy.

Give me your hand!

Run through that light, baby!

I f***ed up. I f***ed up.

I'm sorry.

- Are we alive?

- Yeah.

Look. Look, it's a sleigh.

We can still get her.

No. Let's just go to the party, okay?

We're going on a sleigh ride!

No! We're not going on a sleigh ride.

Come on, Joshua!

Shotgun!

Shotgun!

- Hurry up.

- You guys know this can't possibly work.

Of course it'll work!

- Let's get that Grinch!

- Let's find my phone!

Mush, motherf***er!

I'm stuck!

My hands are stuck!

No, no, no!

F***!

Sh*t, sh*t, sh*t!

Dude!

What happened just now?

He's okay. He looks okay.

We have to go! She went this way!

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