The Night Before Page #7

Let's go get this weed!

No. Forget about the weed, man!

We're not gonna split up now.

Let's go to the party.

No. You don't understand, man!

It's really important! It's for Tommy.

It's not important!

I'll meet you at the F Train!

You f***ing believe this guy?

My phone! It's close! I got to go!

- No. Listen to me.

- No. You listen to me.

If I die, they will

play this video at my funeral!

- Okay! You're on drugs!

- Yes!

- You're not making sense!

- No!

- Trust me.

- Okay.

We're gonna stick together.

And go to the party.

I'll meet you at the F Train!

No! Dude! What the f***!

This is crazy.

Oh, come on.

How does this f***ing work?

This is so confusing.

F***!

My eyes aren't working.

What a**hole invented this stupid thing?

- Hey, man. Excuse me.

- Hey, dude. How's it going?

- I'm Isaac.

- Hi, Isaac.

I hate to bug you.

I lost my phone, and I'm using this app

to try to find it.

I'm kind of having a hard time.

It's confusing me a little bit.

You think you can maybe help me out?

Sure, hold my cane for a second.

Awesome. Sure, I'll hold your cane.

Hey, Merry Christmas, Isaac.

Merry Christmas to you too, man.

Thanks.

I've been having a pretty crazy night.

I'm gonna level with you,

I'm a little f***ed up right now.

No way. You don't say?

Yeah.

- What's your name?

- Spencer.

That's my family over there.

Hi! I'm Isaac, nice to meet you.

- What's up, man?

- Hey.

You have dogs.

- Can I pet them?

- Go ahead. They're fine.

- Thank you.

- You're very welcome.

- Hi, guys.

- What's up, Isaac?

Come on and give us a pat.

Oh my God, they talk!

Of course. All dogs can talk.

- There's another one.

- That tickles.

Oh, hi. I love you.

Isaac?

Betsy!

Oh, sh*t.

Hi.

Wow.

Hi.

Okay.

I never wanna let go.

What's happening?

What are you doing here right now?

What were you doing in the nativity scene?

I was hanging out

with Spencer and his family.

- They're really beautiful people.

- Spencer?

They're great people. They're interracial.

Why do you have a staff, honey?

What's happening right now?

Where are we now?

This is the church. Do you remember?

- You're here for that?

- Yes.

And I'm just telling you right now

that you need to go...

because my family

is paying for the cab right now.

So you need to get out of here

before they show up.

- Your family is coming?

- Yeah.

- So maybe go and run the other way.

- Where should I go?

Just f***ing go before they get here. Go.

I love you. Okay? I love you.

Okay. I love you. Bye.

That's very sweet. Bye.

What are you coming back for?

Just go that way!

I don't know where to go.

No, no, no! Not inside the church.

Go, go, go.

Get the f*** out of here.

Wait. I know them. Hi!

Hi!

- Oh, my God! Look at you guys.

- It's so good to see you!

What a hat.

Why don't you come join us?

Come on in for midnight mass.

Oh, no. I don't think that's a good idea.

Why not?

Because he's hanging out

with his friends tonight. Right, Isaac?

- I don't see anybody.

- I don't know where they are right now.

- Come sit with us.

- I've never been in a church.

Come on.

Okay. Yeah?

Yeah. Great! I'll see you in there!

Let's go to midnight mass together.

Okay. Yeah, if you say so.

Save us a seat.

How f***ed up are you right now?

I'm not f***ed up at all, Betsy.

I'm your rock.

You look like a crack rock.

I'm not. Don't say that.

Are you mad at me?

- No, just walk normal, please.

- I'm walking normal.

No, you're not.

Don't put it there, Isaac.

And it's gone.

Hi. Merry Christmas.

Are you giving birth to piss?

Oh, my God. I'm just

trying not to sh*t my pants.

- You should.

- I should?

You should just do it. Why not?

I should just drop a deuce in my shorts.

Just do it!

That's great. Two more a**holes

that don't give a f*** about Christmas.

What?

What are you guys doing?

Santa pub crawl, bro!

Guys, Santa Claus is a

very meaningful thing to a lot of people.

A lot of children!

Here's the thing, man. For those kids,

they're living a f***ing lie!

Yeah. Spoiler alert:

Santa's not real, you pricky infant.

This is a costume!

But when you put on that costume

and you portray Santa Claus...

you're taking a solemn oath

to represent certain values...

that it represents!

You know who you remind me of?

One of my angry elves.

F***! No. Look, don't call me an elf.

I think you got him with that one, Santa.

F*** you, "don't call me an elf!"

Motherf***er!

Get back to the workshop!

You work for us, elf!

Go back to the workshop, elf!

This little elf has no friends

on Christmas.

My friends are just down there.

Where are they? We're friends.

We even dressed the same...

but you, you're all alone,

just like a f***ing dum-dum.

Oh, my God. Are you gonna cry?

Did Mommy and Daddy

leave you alone on Christmas?

Oh, sh*t!

That's for disrespecting

the spirit of Christmas!

Oh, f***.

F*** you!

Man, this really feels like

it's about something else here.

It's about this and only this!

Nothing else!

I think you're sublimating, man.

I do not wanna hurt you, man.

No, no, no. I wanna hurt him.

He sucker-punched me.

You f***ing frat boys!

I'm an orthopedic surgeon.

I teach third grade, b*tch!

I shape our nation's youth!

What is with this holiday?

It just fucks with people's heads.

This needs to be important to you.

- It's ringing.

- Okay.

Hey.

Hey! Hi!

Does Isaac have Sarah's phone

by any chance?

Yeah, he has it.

- He has it.

- Thank God.

So relax.

There is some very sensitive information

on there.

It's incredibly sensitive.

Wow, what's on the phone?

You don't need to know.

How's the party? Is it as dumb

as you thought it'd be?

Actually, it's kind of amazing.

It's really fun...

and you should get here. Quickly.

What?

Really?

You want me to come there? To see you?

That's what I'm saying.

Come on!

Do you like him again?

Can we not have that conversation...

- right now?

- I'm just saying.

Okay.

Okay. We'll see you soon.

Give us this day our daily bread

And forgive us our trespasses

- I'm praying.

- I think that's a Jewish thing.

- I can't do that here?

- No.

It's the same God.

I did it.

What's everyone doing?

Sit.

Sit down.

- This is so cool.

- Whisper.

- Are we supposed to participate?

- No.

Hallelu!

No. Not that kind of church.

No?

You're my rock, right?

Can you be my rock?

Because you're acting like a weird pebble.

Okay. I think I'm good.

Be a rock.

F*** you.

What's up with this f***ing kid over here?

What?

What's this kid doing?

Look over there.

Look away, dude. Look away!

Stop.

Please don't hiss at a kid.

He's f***ing with me.

I don't think he's talking to you at all.

Who's that guy?

What guy?

- The guy on the cross.

- Jesus!

- Oh, Jesus.

- Stop it.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

- Is that what they think we did to him?

- Yeah.

- Can you tell I'm Jewish?

- Yes.

- How?

- Your f***ing sweater.

- I'm sorry.

- Isaac, stop talking.

Isaac. Isaac, what are you doing?

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes