The Night Before Page #8

Don't throw up.

Don't you dare throw up in here.

Swallow it like a girl would.

Swallow it.

Did you do it?

Let me see your mouth.

Don't throw up on me.

Where's the barf bag?

There's no barf bags!

Stop it! No, stop it, Isaac!

Jesus f***ing Christ!

- He just threw up.

- Yeah.

Oh, Jesus, f*** me.

- Is it still happening?

- It's still happening a little.

We did not kill Jesus!

We did not do that!

Give me my weed, you Grinch!

Sh*t!

Come on!

F***!

What the f*** are you doing?

No, what are you doing, man?

You have friends who want to

spend the holidays with you.

You're lucky you have that.

You need to appreciate that

before you lose them.

That's your Christmas lesson.

That's why I'm taking this sh*t.

My boy Hans Gruber died like this.

No!

What the hell?

- Help!

- Isaac.

- What you doing, man?

- Thank God!

Dude, we've got to get to this party

or I'm gonna get f***ing divorced.

Help me. How does this thing work?

You got to use your MetroCard.

Go this way.

Do it, do it, do it.

All right. Go.

Did you get the weed back?

Sh*t got weird.

I don't wanna talk about it.

Did you get your phone back?

No. Not at all. That's a long story.

Look. Hey!

Oh, sh*t! What the f*** happened to you?

I got beat up

by a couple of Santa Clauses.

You got beat up?

F***. When?

When? You know, a little bit

after you guys ran off without me.

But why did they beat you up?

I don't know why they beat me up!

Did they mug you?

Did they take the tickets?

No, they didn't take the f***ing tickets!

Then why would they do it?

I don't know.

You don't know?

Did they say anything?

They're just a couple of drunk a**holes!

Look, it wouldn't have happened

if you guys didn't bail on me.

What the f*** is that?

Don't do this now.

Please don't do this now!

So what's up with you, man?

Why are you mad at us?

Why you blame everything bad

that happens to you on us?

I'm just saying this is the

last chance we get to do this...

and you guys are so wrapped up

in your own sh*t...

you don't really care about Christmas.

What does that even mean?

When was the last time

you checked your phone, Chris?

Are you sure one of your famous friends...

isn't trying to get a hold of you

asking you to fetch him something?

You used to hate guys like that.

I get it. I get some success.

I get some new friends and you're jealous.

Look at you. So you're a success?

You want to talk about

your newfound success?

I don't need to talk about it.

You don't think your two best friends

see through that sh*t?

See through what? Let's talk about it.

What do you see, Isaac?

I don't see anything.

I don't see through anything.

You're 34 years old.

Most professional athletes

retire right now...

but you just got good. How is that?

Practice.

I told you. It was a new diet.

A new regimen.

A new regimen?

That's what you call it?

Yeah, that's what I call it.

What you call it?

I think I call it putting a needle

in your ass. That's what I call it.

Okay. Fine.

I'm on steroids, now what?

Newsflash:
Everybody's on steroids!

You're a cheater.

At least I'm doing something with my life.

What about you? Sitting around

wasting your f***ing life away.

No girlfriend, no money.

Dude, you make music

that people have never heard.

It's the saddest sh*t

I've ever seen in my life!

Are you f***ing serious right now?

Yeah! You need to get your

f***ing life together. Tell him, Isaac.

You shut up! You're ruining my trip!

It's really f***ed up.

F*** this!

Going to the best party of my life...

and I'm not wearing some pseudo-racist,

fake-ass acrylic sweater!

- Don't take off that sweater!

- I'm taking the sweater off!

- Don't take off the sweater.

- Put the f***ing sweater back on!

I'm taking the f***ing sweater off!

Stupid.

May I help you?

I have these tickets.

Come with me.

Come on.

Get in there.

May I take your coats, gentlemen?

All aboard!

I'm going to find Owens.

Gonna find my phone.

I'm gonna go find Diana.

Oh, sh*t, Messiah,

White Jesus in the building.

C-Money in the hizzle.

- Yo, man.

- I see you made it.

I wasn't able to get the weed, man.

Sh*t fell apart. You know what I mean?

I forgot I even asked you.

You want some weed?

Have some weed.

But.... All right.

You got a whole f***ing

dump truck of weed?

Dro fo' sho'.

- So this it, huh?

- Oh, this is it, baby.

The Nutcracker Ball!

Yeah!

Having an emergency!

- Oh, my God.

- Sarah!

Sarah!

Are you f***ing kidding me?

Get off of me!

What the f***, dude?

I'm sorry! I'm just happy!

- You're so f***ing sweaty.

- I know. It's warm and I'm on Molly.

- Oh, my God! Is that my phone?

- It is your phone. Do you have my phone?

- Take your piece-of-sh*t phone back.

- It's the same phone.

That's why we got them mixed up.

- But this has some serious sh*t on it.

- I know.

Wait. You didn't look at it, did you?

You didn't look at any sh*t on my phone,

did you?

- No.

- Good.

You didn't look at anything on my phone,

did you?

I just wanna tell you...

good job.

You did f***ing look at my phone.

I didn't want to.

The texts just were coming in.

What is the matter with you?

All these gorgeous dick pics.

A-plus dick pics.

- That's a boss hog.

- Wait a second, really?

That dick soft is like

two of my d*cks hard.

Do you think, like, it would be....

Do you think I could, like, handle it?

There was a moment where I thought

he was wanting me to handle it...

and I had to wrap my head around it

for a second, and I thought to myself:

"You know what? You hunker down,

you could take that bad boy."

- Really?

- Yeah.

That guy James, whoever James is,

he's got a fantastic cock on him.

Yo! Did somebody say cock?

What's up?

- Hey.

- What are you guys talking about?

- Nothing.

- Hey, what's up, bro? I'm James.

- I'm Isaac.

- You don't need to meet him.

That's your dick!

- Oh, sh*t!

- I'm the guy who had the phone!

- You saw my dick?

- Did I ever! Oh, my God!

He almost sucked my dick.

I would have if I'd known

it was you, maybe.

Oh, sh*t! Are you guys a couple?

- No, no. We're friends.

- Am I the third wheel?

No, no. You're the first wheel.

- Am I the third wheel?

- Not at all.

Honestly, I was with two other guys

all night and now I'm in a fight with them....

Oh, really? Two other guys?

I'd love to hang out

with two other people.

Is that a challenge?

It might be! Yeah.

I don't know who I'm gonna start with,

but I know who I'm gonna end with.

Well, let's get started right now!

- You guys wanna dance?

- I would love to dance.

- I would love to dance.

- You wanna dance?

Let's do it! Come on, Isaac!

Oh, my God. This is so nice!

This is the best!

What a turn of events!

What?

Holy f***ing sh*t!

You're Miley Cyrus.

Yeah.

No, you don't understand.

I was just looking for this girl

that I love, and she loves you.

Oh, God, no. I did that with two fans

one time. It got super awkward.

That's not what I meant. Sorry, you don't

understand. That'd be awesome....

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