The Object of My Affection Page #3

Just smile.

On the balls of your feet.

You're a butterfly.

Does that mean left or right?

Head up, young people, please.

Head up. Up, up.

Head up, young person. Head up.

Kennedy and I have decided to fix you up.

After all, what are brothers for?

- I'm healing.

- You're avoiding.

Whenever I call, you're at home

or doing mambo with your landlady.

You've got to get back out there again.

Don't you think so, sweetie?

Absolutely. Honey, I've got to get back.

Nice meeting you.

Yeah, you too.

- So, man, thumbs up, thumbs down?

- She seems nice.

- I'm gonna fix you up.

- I don't wanna be fixed up.

- I have a very nice boyfriend.

- He's a Bolshevik.

- It's not going anywhere.

- Why does it have to go anywhere?

- Because you have to take care of yourself.

- I am taking care of myself.

I just don't need the things that you do.

- You've got to meet this guy.

- What guy?

He's an ear, nose and throat man.

He was just on the cover

of New York magazine.

George, you have to start

taking care of yourself.

- I'm taking care of myself.

- Listen. He's an ear, nose and throat man.

But there's nothing wrong with me.

I don't even have a cold.

Yeah... Look...

- I have nothing in common with this guy.

- Just have a cup of coffee with him.

I promise you, this is quality goods.

Uh...

- George Hanson?

- Yeah.

Oh, I'm Jonathan Goldstein.

You're adorable. I mean,

your brother's cute, but you're irresistible.

Did anybody ever tell you

you look like a peach?

No.

- So you're an ear, nose and throat man?

- That's my professional life.

I have other interests

that go below the upper torso.

That's...

So I heard you were on the cover

of New York magazine?

Ugh! I got 3,000 new patients

and 6,000 marriage proposals.

And not a single real date.

- Want another drink?

- Yeah.

- Think he's all right?

- Who?

George. He hasn't been on a date in a while.

People can be really creepy.

- Put your zip code right there.

- He's dating a famous doctor.

Seora, firme aqu.

What do we do if he brings him home?

We'll be happy in our room

and they'll be busy in their room.

- Sounds very active.

- Mr Shapiro, you're all done.

Can I touch your nose? It's like a tulip.

Mr Shapiro, this woman has a gay roommate

who shows no signs of moving out.

- Big deal. Everyone's gay now.

- You tell him, Mr Shapiro.

Gay?

S, seora. Ella comparte

su departamento con un homosexual.

Mi hija es lesbiana.

Yo estoy muy orgullosa de ella.

Oh. Her daughter's a lesbian

and she's very proud.

There you go.

Yo soy la presidenta de

the New York Mothers of Latino Lesbians.

Mrs Ochoa is the president of

the New York Mothers of Latino Lesbians.

- Well!

- Good for you. You're a good mother.

We're queer!

We're here!

Get used to it!

Don't f*** with us!

See, Mr Shapiro, my problem is I love

this woman and I want to live with her.

- You make a living?

- Sure, I'm a lawyer.

Oh! Lawyers are the worst people.

Marry me, honey. I was in children's footwear.

Hello?

- Are you there?

- I'm here.

Hey.

Where's Dr Goldstein?

I don't know. Home.

- I thought maybe...

- Yeah, I thought maybe not.

Oh, um, remind me

to never go on another blind date.

OK.

You don't have to. "Just say no. "

Good night.

Good night.

Step, step, quick, quick.

Step, step, quick, quick.

Slow, slow, quick, quick.

Slow, slow, quick.

Very good. Very good.

Very nice, Sylvia. Excellent.

Very good. Much better. Very good.

No, no, no, no, no.

Head up, young person. Head up.

- Please excuse us.

- Sure.

- Hello, Nina.

- Oh, hi, Danny.

- Help.

- Look at me.

- No, no, no, no.

- Please.

Stop it. Danny, stop touching me.

Madame Reynolds!

T- A-N-G-O.

T- A-N-G-O.

T- A-N-G-O.

T- A-N-G-O.

T- A-N-G-O.

Please get up, young people. Get up.

Now, one, two, side step.

One, two, side step.

Glide, glide.

Glide, Danny. Let me see you.

Smile, Mrs Houston.

Let the music carry you away.

Yes!

Quick, quick, step, step.

Quick, quick, step, step.

Quick, quick, step, step.

Young people, well done. Well done!

Oh, he's so sexy.

Gene Kelly?

Mm, yeah.

Not my type at all.

What is your type?

- Well, it varies. Depends.

- Who was the first person you slept with?

- Is this 20 Questions?

- What? I wanna know!

Lucy Jane Parnell.

- What?

- Mm. Bellmore High School prom night.

Gave her a real good time.

- You slept with a girl?

- Yeah. Lucy was my high-school girlfriend.

What happened?

Well, I, uh, went to college

and found myself lusting after

the football team more than the cheerleaders,

so I kinda figured I was gay.

What happened to Lucy Jane?

I guess she got married.

Or she runs an insurance company.

I have no idea. I don't...

She was so nice. Mm.

And an unbelievable dancer.

My God, could Lucy tear up the floor.

- Was she pretty?

- Yeah.

She had these big eyes

and this pouty, little mouth.

And her nose...

It was just like a tulip.

I just wanted to touch it.

- It was the most fresh and natural-looking...

- Stop it. F*** you, George.

- I just wanted to touch it.

- Stop it. No! Don't start. Don't start.

Yesterday we studied Easter. Today we'll

study the Jewish holiday called Passover.

My father's Jewish and

my mother's Buddhist, but New Age.

My mother's Episcopal

and her boyfriend's Ethical Culture.

Both of my parents are Lutheran.

So what? Both of my parents are Reform.

My mother's AA

and my father's Christian.

- I'll be right back.

- OK.

- When did you find out?

- About an hour ago.

I don't know what to do.

Tell me what to do.

I can't.

Maybe you should talk to Vince.

He is the father.

Vince believes in a woman's right to choose,

as long as he does the choosing.

No.

Can't talk to Vince

until I figure out what I wanna do.

I just need some time to think.

Well, I'm here for you, Nina.

Whatever you need for me to do, I will.

- She hasn't spoken to me in three weeks.

- She's been busy.

She seeing somebody else?

No, no, she's a very beautiful girl.

There's men hitting on her all the time.

There's no one else, Vince.

So, you two still spend

a lot of time together, right?

What sort of things do you do together?

Well, we talk, we go to the movies,

sometimes we go dancing - regular stuff.

You go dancing. Then what?

Then we go home,

we get into bed and watch television.

OK.

But you're not a threat to her.

Is that the attraction?

- I don't know what you mean.

- You know what I mean!

You're not offering her

anything more than friendship.

Of course I'm not offering her

anything more than friendship.

I've made up my mind.

I'll take you wherever you wanna go.

George,

I'm gonna have this baby.

You are?

Yeah.

That's great.

You're gonna be a wonderful mother.

Lucky baby.

And, Nina, you are going to make

Vince McBride the happiest man alive.

This is so great!

I get to be in charge of all musical education.

Tell Vince I get to pick all the songs.

This is great. This is so great!

- Good decision.

- George, can we go celebrate?

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