The Odd Couple Page #3

Open his collar.

Open the window.

Watch my back!

Keep the circulation

going.

I'm all right.

One doctor

at a time!

All the interns

shut the hell up!

You didn't call

Frances?

Get his head under

the cold shower.

My arm!

Watch my arm!

Watch my arm!

No, please...Ow!

Cut it out!

We got to get

the pills out.

The pills are out.

I threw up before.

Did you know

I was married 12 years, Roy?

Yes, Felix,

I knew.

It's over

just like that.

That's

hysterical.

Maybe it was just a fight.

You've had fights

before, Felix.

No, no. It's over.

She's getting

a lawyer tomorrow.

My cousin, she's

using my cousin.

Who am I

going to get?

It's OK, Felix.

All right, let's not

stand around looking at him.

Let's break it up.

Yeah. Don't

look at me.

I'm ashamed.

Let's call it a night.

He's all right.

It's all right, Felix.

We understand.

Don't tell anybody

about this, Vinnie.

Now you promise me.

I'm going to Florida

tomorrow.

That's nice.

Have a good time.

We were going

to Florida

next winter

without the kids.

Now they're

going without me.

OK,

come on, boys.

Good night, Oscar.

Maybe one of us

should stay.

That's OK.

Suppose he tries

something again.

He won't.

How do you know?

I'm not going to

try anything again.

I'm very tired.

You hear?

He's very tired.

He's had

a busy night.

Good night.

If anything happens,

Oscar, just call me.

I'm three blocks away.

I'd be here in five minutes.

If you need me,

I'll be at

the Meridian Motel

in Miami Beach.

You'll be the first one

I call, Vinnie.

Oscar.

Yeah?

Are you sure?

I'm sure.

Good night, Felix.

Get a good night's sleep.

I guarantee things will

look brighter in the morning.

Take away his belt

and his shoelaces.

Oh, Felix, Felix,

Felix, Felix.

I know, I know,

I know...

I know!

Oscar...what am

I going to do, huh?

We'll talk

about it later.

Come on. Get something

to eat first.

Like some

nice, hot Ovaltine?

The terrible thing

is I still love her, you know?

I always loved her.

How about

some Vanilla Wafers

or Vienna Fingers

or some Mallomars?

You like a nice box

of chocolate Mallomars?

I got everything

in here.

We had so much

together.

We had two beautiful kids,

a beautiful home.

Whoever had more

beautiful kids

or a more

beautiful home?

Nobody. Nobody.

It's 12 years of marriage

down the drain.

Drains can be fixed.

That's why we have plumbers.

Get me a pot

under the sink, will you?

It's not fair.

Damn it,

it's not fa...aah!

What's the matter?

My neck. My neck.

I got a nerve spasm

in my neck.

Just take it easy.

Show me where it hurts.

I can't

straighten it out.

Don't touch me.

Don't touch me.

I just want to see

where it hurts.

I get it from tension.

I must be tense.

I wouldn't be

surprised.

Aah! Oh!

Relax, damn it,

relax!

Don't yell at me.

Ow. Ow.

Does that hurt?

No. It feels good.

You make the same sounds

for pain or happiness.

I know.

I think I'm crazy.

If it'll make you

feel any better,

I think so, too.

The first sign

of anything going wrong,

and I fall

to pieces.

Don't stop. It feels

good when you rub.

If you don't relax,

I'll break my fingers.

Look at this...

The only man in the world

with clenched hair.

Bend over.

Just bend over. Attaboy.

OK, now,

hold still.

If this hurts,

Felix, tell me,

'cause I don't know

what the hell I'm doing.

[Groaning]

[Wheezing]

What's that noise?

[Wheezing]

I can't breathe.

It must be the dust.

Open the window.

Get some fresh air.

Wait. We're not opening

any windows on the 11th floor.

We'll go downstairs

for a walk.

[Wheezing]

I wish I were like you,

Oscar...strong.

But I'm weak,

and I admit it...

I'm weak, weak.

You'll outlive today's

entire generation.

You want a lick?

You don't understand.

I'm nothing without

my wife and kids.

You don't...

I'm nothing!

You're not nothing.

You're something.

You're a person.

You're flesh and blood and bones

and hair and nails and ears.

You're not a fish.

You're not a buffalo.

You're you.

You walk and talk

and cry and complain

and eat

little green pills

and send

suicide telegrams.

No one else does that,

Felix, no one.

You're the only one

of its kind in the world.

You've stained me.

Chocolate ice cream stains.

That's a stain.

Ice cream

doesn't stain.

Oh, vanilla and coffee

don't stain.

Chocolate does.

That's a stain.

Felix, leave that alone.

You'll get a water stain.

That won't come out.

That's

a permanent stain.

You ready

to order now?

Oh, hi!

Hey, there's

my little pussycat.

Come over here,

darling.

For a tip, I'll leave

my apartment key.

Is it informal,

or can I bring my husband?

Never mind. I can't

wait that long.

How about five quick minutes

behind the cash register?

Aah! Ha ha ha!

If you bite,

I can't write.

What will you have?

A cup of hot tea

for me, please.

Cup of hot tea for

Diamond Jim Brady.

You going to

eat anything?

Let's see. I just

had an ice cream.

Give me a corned beef

on rye, all fat,

and a high-calorie

cream soda.

Isn't she cuu-cute?

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha!

If you don't try,

how are you

going to find out?

Exactly. It's very easy

for you and me, Oscar.

We're men.

We're out in the world.

We can meet new people.

What about Frances?

Divorce is much

harder on the woman.

She's alone with the kids,

stuck in the house.

How is she going to

meet somebody now,

at her age,

with two kids?

I don't know.

Maybe someone

will come to the door.

Can we stop

talking about Frances?

Would you like me

to just forget her?

How do you wipe out 12 years

of marriage just like that?

You don't.

Face the facts, Felix.

You can't spend

your life crying.

It annoys people

at movies.

Brrr!

What's the matter?

Too cold.

It's the air conditioning.

Why do they always

turn them up so high?

I'll probably

get the flu.

You want me to ask

for a blanket?

You got to be careful

with air conditioning.

I never let Frances

use ours in the summer.

Oh, she must be crazy

about that.

Where are you going?

Let's move

to another table.

[Sniff

Oh, I knew it.

[Sniffling]

[Nasal Honking]

What's the matter now?

[Honk Honk]

I got this...My ears

are filling up.

I got this

sinus condition.

It's the change

in temperature.

I always get it from

air conditioning.

Maybe it'll go away.

No. It's all part

of my allergies.

I get them

in the summer.

Only in the summer?

In the winter, too.

I get them all year.

I'm allergic

to foods

and pillows and curtains

and perfumes.

Can you imagine that?

Allergic to perfumes.

That used to drive

Frances crazy.

For a while, she

couldn't wear anything

except my

after-shave lotion.

I was impossible

to live with.

[Very Loud

Nasal Honking]

Stop that, will you?

What are you doing?

I'm trying

to clear up my ears.

You create a pressure

inside your head.

It opens up

the eustachian tubes.

[Loud Honking]

Did it open up?

Uh-huh. I think

I strained my throat.

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