The Odd Couple Page #4

Felix, will you

leave yourself alone?

Don't tinker.

I know.

I can't help it.

I drive everybody crazy.

A marriage counselor

once kicked me out of his office.

Wrote on my chart...

"lunatic."

It takes two to make

a rotten marriage.

You don't know

what I was like at home.

I'm a compulsive cleaner...

always cleaning up

after Frances.

Then I'd go into the kitchen

and recook her meals

because I'm also

a much better cook than she is.

I cooked myself

right out of a marriage.

Stupid damned idiot!

Hey, Felix,

don't do that.

You'll get

a headache.

I can't stand it anymore.

It's just...

I hate me.

Oh, boy,

do I hate me.

You don't hate you.

You love you.

You think no one else

has problems like you.

I thought

you were my friend.

I am. That's why I can

talk to you this way...

Because I love you

almost as much as you do.

Then why

don't you help?

How can I help you

when I can't even help myself?

You think you're impossible

to live with?

Ha ha! Blanche

used to say to me,

"What time

do you want dinner?"

I'd say, "I don't know.

I'm not hungry."

Then 3 A.M., I'd wake her up,

and I'd say, "Now."

I've been one of

the highest-paid sportswriters

for the past

We saved $8.50

in pennies.

I'm never home.

I gamble.

I burn cigar holes

in furniture,

drink like a fish,

lie to her.

Then for our 10th

wedding anniversary, I took her

to the New York Rangers/

Detroit Red Wings hockey game,

where she got hit

by a puck.

I still can't figure out

why she left me.

That's how

impossible I am.

Come on. Let's get

out of here.

The muggers

will be here soon.

I don't think I can take

living alone, Oscar.

In two weeks,

I'll go to pieces.

How will I work?

How will I make a living?

You'll go on

street corners and cry.

They'll throw

nickels at you.

Tonight you'll

sleep here.

Tomorrow you get

your clothes

and your

electric toothbrush,

and you move

in here with me.

It's your apartment.

I'll just be in the way.

There's eight rooms.

We could go for a year

without seeing each other.

Don't you understand?

I want you to move in.

Why? I'm a pest.

I know you're a pest.

Don't keep telling me.

Why do you want me

to move in?

Because I can't stand

living alone, that's why.

For crying out loud,

I'm proposing to you.

What do you want...

a ring?

Oscar, if you mean it,

there's a lot

I can do around here.

I'm very handy

around the house.

I know how to fix things.

I fixed my wife's

hair dryer.

I don't have a hair dryer.

Blanche took it.

Well, let me do

something.

I got to do something.

You can take my wife's

initials off the towels.

You can sleep in here,

Brucey's room.

I can cook, you know?

I'm a terrific cook.

You don't

have to cook.

I got enough potato chips

for a year.

Two meals a day at home.

We'll save a fortune.

We got to pay alimony,

you know.

OK, Felix,

you can cook.

You like leg of lamb?

I'll make it this weekend.

Oh, I got to call Frances.

She's got my big pot.

Hey, will you

forget Frances?

We'll get

our own pots.

Don't drive me crazy

before you move in.

[Telephone Ringing]

Well, listen,

Oscar, uh, hey,

if I do anything

that irritates you

or gets on your nerves,

don't be afraid

to tell me.

It's your apartment.

I don't want

to irritate you.

Hello.

Oh, hello, Frances.

I'm not here.

I'm not here.

You haven't

heard from me.

You don't know

where I've been.

I didn't call.

I'm not here.

Yes, he's here.

Yes.

How's she sound?

Is she worried?

What's she saying?

Is she crying?

Does she want

to speak to me?

I don't want to

talk to her.

He's going to

stay here with me.

Tell her I'm not coming back.

I've had it.

I've taken just

as much as she has.

I'm human,

too, you know.

She's not

the only one

that's suffered

in this marriage.

Tell her that.

Yes, he's fine.

Don't tell her

I'm fine!

You heard how

I was carrying on.

I was going to

kill myself.

Why did you tell her

I'm fine?

Yes, I understand,

Frances.

Ask her if she wants

to speak to me.

Do you want

to speak to him?

Give me the phone.

You don't want

to speak to him.

OK, good night,

Frances.

She doesn't want

to speak to me?

No.

Why did she call?

Wants to know when you're

coming over for your clothes.

She wants to have

the room repainted.

Listen, Felix,

it's almost 1:
00.

Let's go to bed, huh?

She didn't want

to speak to me.

I'll get you

a pair of pajamas.

You like stripes,

dots, or animals?

I want to kill

myself,

and she's

picking out colors.

How about some slippers?

I got some house slippers for you.

I'm glad... because she finally

made me realize it's over.

It didn't sink in

until just this minute.

Felix, I want you to go to bed.

My marriage is really over.

Well, it doesn't seem so bad now.

I think I can live

with this thing.

Live with it tomorrow.

Go to bed tonight.

In a few minutes.

I've got to think.

I got to rearrange my life.

Felix, this is my apartment.

I make up the bedtime.

You don't understand, Oscar.

I just want to be

alone for a while.

You go to bed. I'll clean up.

You don't have to clean up.

I can't sleep with a room like this.

Go to bed.

I'll see you in the morning.

I'll cook you breakfast.

Listen, Felix, you're not going...

You're not going to

do anything big

like rolling up rugs, are you?

I'm going to be.

Just 10 minutes.

I'll do the dishes and go to bed.

He's going to do the dishes.

Hey, Oscar!

Yeah?

Oscar, I'm going to be all right.

It may take a few days.

I'm going to be all right.

Good. Good.

Good night, Felix.

Good night, Frances.

Morning, Harry.

Good morning.

Hey, there's my bus.

See you tonight, Oscar.

Right, Fel.

Hey, Oscar, what will

I make for dinner?

The batter, number nine,

Bill Mazeroski,

second base.

[Umpire]

Strike!

Well, that's

the ballgame.

It's not over yet.

Bases loaded, Mazeroski up,

ninth inning...

You expect the Mets

to hold a one-run lead?

What's the matter...

You never heard

of a triple play?

[Telephone Rings]

Hello. Uh-huh.

Phone for you,

Madison.

I'll call them back.

He says it's

an emergency.

Yeah?

Oscar, just called

to tell you...

Don't eat any frankfurters

at the ballgame today.

I decided to make franks and beans

for dinner tonight.

[Crack]

[Crowd Cheering]

A triple play!

The Mets did it!

The greatest fielding play

I ever saw,

and you missed it, Oscar!

You missed it!

Are you crazy?

Are you out

of your mind?

Take your

frankfurters and...

Oscar? Hey, Oscar.

Os...

[Siren]

[Door Buzzer]

I'm sorry

I'm late.

Wipe your feet.

What?

If you know what's good for you,

wipe your feet.

How's the game

going?

Hey, what happened

to the apartment?

It's been given the Good

Housekeeping Seal of Approval.

Deal the cards.

Hey, Murray.

Ante up.

Everybody in?

What are we

playing?

Seven-card.

[Felix Humming]

A cold glass

of beer for Roy.

Thank you.

Where's

your coaster?

My what?

Little round thing

goes under the glass.

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