The Odd Couple Page #5

I think I bet it.

Here. I knew I was

winning too much.

Try to use

the coasters, fellas.

Scotch,

little bit of water.

Scotch and water,

and I have my coaster.

I don't want

to be a pest,

but you know

what wet glasses do.

They leave little rings

on the table.

Little rings

on the table.

And we don't want

little rings on the table.

And we have a nice,

warm sandwich for Vinnie.

Gee, it smells good.

What is it?

Bacon, lettuce, and tomato

with mayonnaise

on pumpernickel toast.

You mean

you just made it?

You put in toast

and cooked bacon just for me?

If you don't like it,

he'll make you meat loaf

in five minutes.

You know how I love to...

Eat over the dish.

I just vacuumed the rug.

Mmm. Good.

Hey, Oscar,

what did you want?

Two 3 1/2 minute eggs

and some petits fours.

Oh, double gin

and tonic, right?

Be with you

in a minute.

Who turned off

the dehumidifier?

What?

The dehumidifier.

Fellas, I asked you...

Don't play with this.

I'm trying to get some of

the grime out of the air.

Murray, I'll give you

$200 for your gun.

I have had it

up to here.

In the last

three hours,

we've played

four minutes of poker.

I'm not giving up

Friday nights

to watch cooking

and cleaning.

I can't breathe.

That lousy machine

is sucking everything

out of the air.

Gee, this is delicious.

Who wants a bite?

I didn't have any supper.

Is the toast warm?

Perfect. And not

too much mayonnaise.

It's really

a well-made sandwich.

Cut me off

a little piece.

Give me

your napkin.

I don't want

to drop crumbs.

Martha and Gertrude

at the Automat.

That thing

could kill us.

They'll find us

with our tongues on the floor.

Do something, Oscar.

Get him back into the game.

Don't come to me

with your petty problems.

You get this

one stinking night a week.

I'm cooped up here

with Mary Poppins 24 hours a day.

Felix, get in here, will you?

Coming!

It was better before,

with the garbage and the smoke.

Did you notice what

he does with the bread?

He cuts off the crusts.

That's why it's so light.

He only uses the soft green part

of the lettuce.

It's really delicious.

I'm going out of my mind.

Felix, get in here!

I won't ask again!

Forget it. I'm going home.

The day his marriage busted up

was the end of our poker game.

Speed, you can't go now.

I'm a big loser.

You got no one to blame

but yourself.

It's your fault.

You're the one who stopped him

from killing himself.

He's right. That man

is absolutely right.

Are you going to eat that pickle?

I wasn't thinking of it.

Why? Do you want it?

Unless you want it.

It's your pickle.

Take it. I don't

usually eat pickles.

Deal the cards.

What did you

do that for?

You want to play poker,

deal the cards.

You want to eat,

go to a delicatessen.

Will you keep your pickles

and your sandwiches to yourself?

I'm losing $53 here,

and everybody's getting fat.

Felix!

[Felix]

What?

Close the stinkin' restaurant

and sit down.

We got a poker game

going on here.

Is it up to me...

Who threw a pickle on my floor?

I don't think

that's funny.

[Sniffing]

What is

that smell?

Disinfectant?

It's the cards.

He washed the cards.

I'm getting

out of here.

I can't stand

any more.

Wait a minute, Roy.

Where are you going?

I've been sitting here

breathing cleaning fluid

and ammonia

for three hours.

Nature didn't intend for poker

to be played like that.

OK,

ready to play.

Good. We got just enough

for handball.

Where is everybody?

You got the nerve

to ask that question?

I've just been

sterilized out of $53.

Well, I'm sorry.

Is it my fault, fellas?

No. I guess no one

feels like playing tonight.

I'd better be going, too.

Got to get up early.

Bebe and I are driving to

Asbury Park for the weekend.

Just the two of you?

Gee, that's nice.

You always do things

like that together, don't you?

We have to.

I don't know how to drive.

You coming, Murray?

Yeah. Why not?

I got to stop off

and get Mimi a hero sandwich

and a frozen eclair.

Marriage. Huh!

Those two playboys

sure got the life,

huh, Vinnie?

Yeah. Some life

those playboys got.

[Laughing]

That's funny,

isn't it, Oscar?

They think we're happy.

Ha ha ha!

They really think we're

enjoying ourselves.

Well, they don't know.

They just don't know

what it's like

living alone, do they?

I'd be immensely grateful

to you, Felix,

if you didn't

clean up just now.

Just a few things.

But playboys...us!

Ha ha ha!

That's really funny.

I think they

actually envy us.

Well, they should

only know.

Felix, will you leave

everything alone, please?

I'm not through

dirtying up for the night.

Don't you see

the irony of it?

Don't you

see the irony?

Yes, I see it.

I really don't think

you see it.

Felix, I'm telling you,

I see the irony of it.

Then tell me...

What's the irony?

The irony is that unless

we come to some other arrangement,

I'm going to kill you.

That's the irony of it.

What's wrong, Oscar?

There's something wrong

with this system.

I don't think that

two single men living alone

in a big eight-room

apartment

should have a cleaner house

than my mother.

Wait. What are you

talking about?

I didn't say

you have to.

You don't have to

clean up.

What you do is worse.

You're always

hanging up my towels.

You follow me around

with an ashtray.

Last night, I found you

in the kitchen

washing the floor,

shaking your head,

and moaning,

"Footprints, footprints."

I didn't say

they were yours.

Well, they were mine,

damn it.

I have feet,

and they make prints.

Should I climb

across the cabinets?

No! Just walk

on the floor!

Well, I appreciate that.

I really do.

I'm only trying to keep

this place livable.

I didn't know

I irritated you that much.

Leave my pictures alone.

I was just trying

to even them up.

I want them uneven.

They're my pictures.

Even up

your own pictures.

I was wondering

how long it would take.

How long what

would take?

Before I got

on your nerves.

I didn't say

you got on my nerves.

Please don't do that.

Same thing. You said

I irritated you.

No. You said you irritated me.

I didn't say it.

What did you say?

I don't remember.

What's the difference?

No difference.

I was just repeating

what I thought

you said.

Don't repeat what

you thought I said!

Repeat what I said!

My God,

that's irritating!

See? You did say it.

I don't believe

this whole conversation.

Oscar, I'm sorry.

I don't know

what's wrong with me.

And don't pout.

You want to fight,

we'll fight, but don't pout.

Fighting...I win.

Pouting...you win.

You're right.

You're right.

Everything you say about me

is absolutely right.

Don't give in

so easily.

I'm not always right.

Sometimes you're right.

You're right. I do that.

I always figure I'm wrong.

Only this time,

you are wrong and I'm right.

Oh, leave me alone.

And don't sulk.

That's the same as pouting.

I know, I know. Oh, damn me.

Why can't I do just

one lousy thing right?

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