The Odd Couple Page #6

Why didn't you throw it?

I almost did. Sometimes I get

so insane with myself.

Then why don't you throw the cup?

I'm trying

to control myself.

Why are you trying

to control yourself?

What do you mean? Why?

You were angry.

You felt like throwing the cup.

Why didn't you throw it?

Because I would still be angry

and I would have a broken cup.

How do you know?

Maybe you'd feel wonderful.

Why do you have to control

every single thought

that comes into your head?

Why don't you let loose

once in your life?

Do something that you

feel like doing,

not what you think

you're supposed to do.

Stop controlling yourself, Felix!

Relax! Get drunk! Get angry!

Come on! Break the lousy cup!

Ow! I hurt my arm!

You're hopeless.

You're a hopeless mental case.

I shouldn't throw with that arm.

I've got bursitis.

Why don't you

live in a closet?

I'll leave your meals

outside the door

and slide in the newspapers.

Oh, cut it out. I hurt easily.

I can't help the way I am.

You're not going

to cry, are you?

I think all those tears

dripping on your arm

is what gave you bursitis.

Let me tell you something, Oscar.

I may not be the easiest person

in the world to live with,

but you could have

done a lot worse...

a whole lot worse.

How?

I put order in this house.

For the first time in months,

you're saving money,

you're sleeping on clean sheets,

you're eating hot meals

for a change,

and I did that.

Yes, that's right.

Then at night, after we've had

your halibut steak

in your tartare sauce,

I have to spend

the rest of the evening

watching you Saran-Wrap

the leftovers.

Felix, when are you and I

going to have some fun...

a little relaxation...

get out of the house?

What are you talking about?

We have fun.

Eat over the plate.

Fun? Listen, getting

a clear picture

on channel two is not

my idea of whoopee.

We don't always watch TV.

Sometimes we read. Sometimes we talk.

Yeah. I read, and you talk.

I try to work, and you talk.

I go to sleep, and you talk.

We got your life

arranged pretty good,

but I'm still looking

for a little entertainment.

What are you saying...

I talk too much?

Nah. I'm not complaining.

You got a lot to say.

What's worrying me

is I'm beginning to listen.

You're not going to

hear another peep out of me.

You're not going to

give me a haircut, are you?

I'm going to cut up

some cabbage and greens

and make coleslaw for tomorrow.

I don't want any coleslaw

for tomorrow!

I just want to have

some fun tonight.

I thought you liked my coleslaw.

I love your coleslaw.

I swear, I love it.

I'll take your

coleslaw with me

to work tomorrow,

but not tonight.

Let's go out of the house.

All right, let's go.

I only make it for you.

I don't like coleslaw.

If you wanted to go out,

why didn't you say so?

You think I like

working and slaving

in the kitchen all day long?

Strike! Ow!

Hey, how about that?

Oscar, you're right.

When you're right, you're right.

A person has to get

out of the house once in a while.

Hmm?

Yeah.

Oh, yes, bowling...

Bowling is wonderful exercise, Felix,

but that's not

the kind of relaxation

I had in mind.

I mean, the night was made

for other things.

Like what?

Like unless I get to touch

something soft

in the next two weeks,

I'm in big trouble.

Oh, you mean women?

If you want to give it a name,

all right, women.

That's funny. I haven't thought

of women in weeks.

I fail to see the humor.

Look,

all I'm saying is,

why don't we spend one night

talking to someone

with higher voices than us?

You mean...

That's what I mean.

I can't.

Why not?

I'm just not ready for it yet.

I don't want to discuss it.

Let's bowl.

I intend to go out.

I get as lonely

as the next fella,

but I've only been separated

a couple of weeks.

Give me a little time, will you?

There isn't any time left.

I saw TV Guide, and there's

nothing on this week.

What am I asking you,

for crying out loud?

All I want to do

is have dinner and some laughs

with a couple of girls.

Can't you go out yourself?

Why do you need me?

I may want to come back

to the apartment.

If we walk in and find you

washing the windows,

it puts a damper on things.

I'll take a pill and go to sleep.

Why take a pill

when you can take a girl?

Because I'd feel guilty.

I'm sorry, but that's why.

If it doesn't make sense to you,

it's the way I feel.

Go ahead and shoot.

Anyway, who would I call?

I don't even know

any single girls.

Leave that to me.

Two sisters live in our building...

English girls.

One's a widow,

the other one's a divorcee.

They're a barrel of laughs.

How do you know?

I was trapped in the elevator

with them last week.

Please, Felix.

Please just say yes.

I can call them now.

Please say yes for my sake.

If it means that much to you...

Atta baby. That's the Felix

I've been waiting for.

Wait. What do they look like?

Don't worry. Yours is very pretty.

Excuse me.

We're all set.

Which one do I get?

The divorcee.

Why do I get the divorcee?

I don't care.

You want the widow?

I don't want the widow.

I don't even want the divorcee.

I'm just doing this

for you.

Take whoever you want.

When they walk in,

point to the sister of your choice.

I just want some laughs.

What are they... old...

I mean, how? 30, 35, older?

What's the matter with you?

They're young.

They're young kids.

Where did you say you met them?

Did they want to meet me?

Don't forget and suddenly

call one of them Frances!

It's Gwendolyn and Cecily!

No Frances!

Gwendolyn and Cecily!

"Rule, Britannia,

Britannia, rule the waves"

Supposing my kids see me?

I'm going to night clubs

with foreign girls.

I've got two American

kids to support.

Where are we going to have dinner?

What?

Where are we going to have dinner?

Anywhe...Anywhe...

Anywhere you say.

Chinese, Italian...

You mean a restaurant?

It will cost a fortune.

We'll cut down on laundry.

We don't wear socks on Thursdays.

We can't afford restaurants.

We'll eat here.

Here?

I'll cook. We'll save $30, $40.

What kind of a double date is that?

Well, you'll be

in the kitchen all night!

No, I won't. I'd put it up

in the afternoon.

Once I get my potatoes in,

I got all the time in the world.

What happened

to the whole new Felix?

Who are you calling?

Frances. I want to get

her recipe for meat loaf.

The girls will be

crazy about it.

I'd like fresh ground.

That's fresh.

That's not fresh.

That's packaged. I want fresh.

How much?

Is that one ripe?

Not for tonight. Couple of days.

Thank you.

Hey. Beautiful.

Beautiful!

I'm home, dear!

Something wonderful

is going on in that kitchen.

No, sir, no doubt about it,

I am the luckiest man on Earth.

Felix...Felix.

Felix, listen. I got the wine.

Batard-Montrachet. $6.25.

You don't mind, do you, pussycat?

We can walk to work

this week. Ha ha!

No kidding, Felix.

You did a great job.

One little suggestion...

Let's come down

a little bit with the lights

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