The Odd Couple Page #7

and up very softly

with the music, huh?

Hey, do you think Mozart

goes good with meat loaf?

What's the matter, Felix?

Something's wrong.

I can tell from your conversation.

All right, Felix.

What is it? What is it?

What is it?

Let's start with

what time you think it is.

What time?

I don't know...7:30?

All right, so it's 8:00. So?

So you said you'd be home at 7:00.

Is that what I said?

"I'll be home at 7:00"

is what you said.

So I said I'd be home at 7:00,

and it's 8:
00.

So what's the problem?

If you knew you were

going to be late,

why didn't you call me?

I couldn't call you. I was busy.

Too busy to pick up a phone?

Where were you?

I was in the office working.

In the office working?

I called your office at 7:00.

You were gone.

It took me an hour to get home.

I couldn't get a cab.

Since when do they have cabs

in Hannigan's Bar?

Hey, wait a minute, will you?

I want to get this down

on a tape recorder

because nobody's going to believe me.

You mean now I got to call you

if I'm coming home

late for dinner?

Not any dinner...

Just the ones that I've

been slaving over

since 5:
00 this afternoon

to help save you money

to pay your wife's alimony.

Felix, this is no time

to have a domestic quarrel.

We got two girls

coming down here any minute.

You mean you told them

to be here at 8:
00?

I don't remember what I said.

difference does it make?

I'll tell you what the hell

difference it makes!

You told me they would

be here at 7:
30.

You were going to be here at 7:00,

help me with the hors d'oeuvres,

then at 7:
30 they get here,

and we have drinks... cocktails.

At 8:
00 we're going to eat dinner.

Well, it's now 8:00,

and my dinner's finished.

The meat loaf is done!

Now if we don't eat

within 15 seconds,

the whole damn thing

will be dried out!

God help me.

Never mind helping you!

Tell him to save my meat loaf!

Can't you keep it warm?

What do you think I am...

the Magic Chef?

I'm lucky I got it

to come out at 8:00...

Wh-Wh-What am I going to do?

I don't know. Keep

pouring gravy on it.

Wh-Wh-What gravy?

Don't you have any gravy?

Where am I going to

get gravy at 8:
00?

I don't know.

I thought it comes

when you cook the meat.

When you cook the meat...

You don't know what

you're talking about.

You just don't know,

because you've got to make gravy.

It doesn't come!

Well, you asked my advice, so...

Your advice?

You didn't even know

where this kitchen was

till I showed it to you!

You want to talk to me, buddy,

put down that spoon.

Spoon! You dumb ignoramus!

That is a ladle!

You did not know that's a ladle!

Get ahold of yourself.

You think it's so easy?

Go ahead.

The kitchen's yours, all yours.

You go make a meat loaf

for four people

that come a half-hour late.

Listen to me. I'm arguing

with him over gravy.

They're here... the dinner guests.

I'll get a saw

and cut the meat.

Listen! I want to tell you

something, Oscar.

I won't take the blame

for this dinner.

Who's blaming you?

Who even cares about the dinner?

I care! I take pride in what I do.

You're going to explain to them

exactly what happened.

OK. You can take a picture

of me coming in at 8:00.

Now take off that stupid apron

because I'm opening the door.

This is the last time

I cook anything for you.

People like you don't even

appreciate a decent meal,

and that's why they have TV dinners.

Are you through?

Yeah.

Then smile.

Hi there.

Hello.

I hope we're not late.

No, not at all.

You timed it perfectly!

Perfectly! Come on in.

Oh, it's lovely.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Oh, Felix, I'd like you to meet

two elevator acquaintances of mine...

Gwendolyn and Cecily.

No, Cecily and Gwendolyn.

Oh, terribly sorry!

Cecily and Gwendolyn.

Don't tell me... Robin? No.

Cardinal?

No. Wrong both times.

It's Pigeon.

Pigeon. Yes.

Cecily and Gwendolyn Pigeon.

The Pigeon sisters.

Or as our friends in Chelsea

used to call us,

the Coo-coo Pigeon Sisters.

I like that.

Why, thank you.

Girls, I'd like you to meet

my roommate and our chef

for the evening,

Mr. Felix Ungar.

How do you do?

How you do?

Well, we did that beautifully.

Shall we sit down,

make ourselves comfortable?

Yes, I'd love to. This is so nice.

Perfume.

Look. Shall I sit here?

Sure, sure. Anyplace you like.

Anyplace at all.

Don't sit on the hors d'oeuvres.

Well...

Well, this is ever so nice,

isn't it, Gwen?

Yes.

Yes, it is. Yes.

It's so much neater

than our flat.

Do you have help?

Yes. I have a man

who comes in every night.

Well, aren't you the lucky one!

Boy, this is really nice.

You know, I was telling Felix

only yesterday

how we happened to meet.

Who's Felix?

He is.

Oh, yes, of course.

I'm sorry.

You know, it happened to us

again this morning.

What did?

Stuck in the lift again.

No kidding!

Just the two of you?

And poor Mr. Kessler

from the third floor.

We were in there

nearly half an hour.

Is that right?

Well, what happened?

Oh, nothing much, I'm afraid.

Oh, honestly.

Oh, Gwen.

You're terrible.

I know.

Boy, this is really nice.

And ever so much cooler

than our place.

Oh, yes.

Oh, it's like equatorial Africa

on our side of the building.

Well, last night it was so bad,

Gwen and I sat there

in nature's own,

cooling ourselves

in front of the open fridge.

Can you imagine such a thing?

Well, I'm working on it.

Honestly!

Honestly!

But no, no...

Actually, it's impossible

to get a night's sleep.

Cece and I really don't know

what to do about it.

Why don't you sleep

with an air conditioner?

We haven't got one.

Yeah, but we have.

Oh, you!

Ooh, I told about that one,

didn't I?

Yeah, they say it may rain Friday.

Oh?

Well, that should

cool things off a bit.

Yes. I wouldn't be surprised.

Although sometimes

it gets hotter after it rains.

Yes, it does, doesn't it?

Yes. Sometimes

it gets a little hotter.

Yes, it can get...

Dinner's served.

No, it isn't.

Yes, it is.

No, I'm sure the girls

would like to have

a little cocktail first,

wouldn't you, girls?

Well, I wouldn't

put up a struggle.

There you are.

What would you like?

I don't know. What have you got?

Meat loaf.

She means to drink.

We have everything,

and what we don't have,

I mix in the medicine cabinet.

What will it be?

Oh... a double vodka.

Oh, darling, please.

Not before dinner. Please.

My sister... Honestly,

she watches over me

like a mother hen.

Make it a small double vodka.

Small double vodka...

And for the beautiful mother hen?

Well, um, I think I'd

like something cool.

Um...what... I know, I know.

I would like a double Drambuie

with crushed ice...

unless, of course,

you haven't got the crushed ice.

I was up all night

with a sledge hammer.

I shall return.

Um, excuse...

Oscar?

Where are you going?

To get the refreshments.

Inside?

What am I going to do?

You can finish

the weather report.

Don't forget to look

at my meat loaf.

Well...

Ha ha!

Oscar tells me you're sisters.

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