The Odd Couple Page #8

Yes, that's right.

From England.

Yes, yes, that's right.

I see.

We're not brothers.

Yes. We know.

Uh, yes...

Although I am a brother.

Oh, yeah. I have a brother.

He's a doctor.

Lives in Buffalo.

That's upstate New York.

Yes. We know.

You know my brother?

No! No, we know

that Buffalo is upstate in New York.

Thank you.

We've been there. Have you?

No. Is it nice?

Oh, it's lovely.

Oh, isn't that interesting?

Silly me.

Thank you.

How long have you two been

in the United States of America?

Oh, um...four?

Four.

Almost four years now.

Just visiting?

No, no, no. We live here.

Do you work here, too?

Do you?

Oh, yes, yes. We're secretaries

for a health club.

People bring us their bodies,

and we do wonderful

things with them.

Actually, if you're interested,

we could get you 10% off.

Off the price,

not off your body.

I couldn't help it.

Oscar!

Where's the drinks? Huh?

And what field of endeavor

are you engaged in?

Uh, I write the news

for television.

Oh, fascinating.

Where do you get your ideas from?

From, uh, uh...

the news.

Oh, yes, of course.

Silly me.

Well, maybe you can

mention Gwen and I

in one of your news reports.

Well, you do something spectacular,

maybe I will.

We've done spectacular things,

but I don't think

we'd want it spread

all over the telly, do you, Gwen?

No

Could you imagine?

Oscar!

This apartment is so big,

sometimes you have to holler.

Well, just you two baches live here?

Uh, baches?

Oh, you mean bach...bachelors?

Oh, we're not bachelors.

We're divorced.

That is, Oscar's divorced,

and I'm getting, uh...

Oh, small world!

We've cut the dinghy loose,

too, as they say.

Well, you couldn't have

a better-matched

foursome, could you?

I suppose not.

Although technically I am a widow.

I was divorcing my husband,

but he died before

the final papers came through.

Oh, I'm awfully sorry.

Divorce is a terrible

thing, isn't it?

Oh, it can be

if you haven't

got the right solicitor.

Now, that's true.

Sometimes it can drag out for months.

I was lucky. Snip, cut,

and I was free.

Oh, but of course,

that's all water

under the bridge now, isn't it?

I'm terribly sorry.

I think I've forgotten your name.

Felix.

Of course. Felix.

Like the cat.

Cat.

Oh, well, the Pigeons

will have to beware

of the cat, won't they?

That's terrible. Quit it!

Here.

That's the worst part

about breaking up.

Childhood sweethearts, were you?

No. That's my little boy and girl.

He's 7, and she's 5.

Oh, sweet.

They live with their mother.

I imagine you must

miss them terribly.

Oh, I can't stand

being away from them,

but that's what happens

with divorce.

When do you get to see them?

Every night.

I drop by on the way home,

and I take them on weekends,

and I get them on holidays...

July and August.

Well, when is it that you miss them?

Whenever I'm not there.

If they didn't have to

go to school so early,

I'd get up and make them breakfast.

They love my French toast.

Well, you certainly are

a devoted father.

Oh, it's Frances

who's the wonderful one.

She's the little girl?

No, she's the mother...

my wife.

What, the one you're divorcing?

Yeah. She's done a terrific job

in bringing them up.

They always look so nice, so polite,

speak beautifully.

Never "yeah," always "yes."

Oh, isn't that lovely?

And she's done it all.

She's...She's a wonderful woman.

She's the kind of a woman who...

What am I doing?

You're not interested

in any of this.

Why, nonsense!

You've a right to be proud.

You have two

beautiful children

and a wonderful ex-wife.

Here's Frances. See?

she's pretty!

Yeah.

Isn't she pretty, Cecy?

Oh, yes. Pretty, pretty girl.

She is pretty.

Here...Isn't that nice?

There's no one in the picture.

I know. That's a picture

of our living room.

We had a beautiful apartment.

Oh, it is. It's pretty.

It's very pretty.

Those are lovely lamps.

Oh, thank you.

We got those in Mexico...

on our honeymoon.

Gee, I used to love

to come home at night.

That was my whole life...

my wife and my kids

and my apartment.

Well...

Does she have the lamps now, too?

Oh, yes.

I gave her everything...

the children...

the lamps.

I'm sorry. Will you forgive me?

I didn't mean to get emotional.

Would you like

some potato chips?

Oh, please.

Please, you mustn't be ashamed.

I think...I think

it's a rare quality

in a man to be able to cry.

So do I.

I think it's sweet...

terribly, terribly sweet.

Please, because you're

just making it worse.

No! No, it's

so refreshing to hear a man

speak so highly of the woman

he's divorcing.

Oh, dear.

Now...Now you've got me thinking

about poor Sydney.

Oh, Gwen, please.

Well, it was a good marriage

at first, wasn't it?

Yes.

Everybody said so, didn't they?

Not like you and George.

No. That's right.

George and I were never happy...

not for one single, solitary day.

This is ridiculous!

I don't know what brought this on.

I was feeling so good

a few minutes ago.

I haven't cried since I was 14.

Is everybody happy?

What the hell happened?

Nothing, nothing.

Nothing? I'm gone three minutes,

and I walk into a funeral parlor.

What did you say to them?

I didn't say anything to them.

Don't start in on me.

I can't leave you alone

for five seconds.

If you really want to cry,

go in the kitchen

and look at your meat loaf.

Well, why didn't you call me?

Girls, I'm terribly sorry...

really I am.

I forgot to warn you

about Felix.

He's a walking soap opera!

I think he's the dearest thing

I've ever met.

He's so sensitive,

so fragile.

I just want to

bundle him up in my arms

and take care of him.

I think when he comes out

of that kitchen,

you may have to.

We better get some

corned beef sandwiches.

No, wait, Felix.

Maybe we can salvage it.

Yeah, let's see it.

See it? See what?

$4.80 worth of ashes?

I'd throw it down the incinerator,

but it won't burn twice.

l...l...I've got

a wonderful idea.

Why don't we eat up at our place?

That's a wonderful idea!

That is, if you don't

mind taking potluck.

I'm crazy about potluck!

Of course,

it's awfully hot up there.

You'll have to take off

your jackets.

We can always open up

a refrigerator!

Give us five minutes

to get into our cooking things.

Five minutes?

Can't you make it four?

I'm starving.

Ooh, don't forget the wine.

How could I forget the wine?

And Felix.

No. I won't forget Felix.

You bet your sweet

little crumpets, ta-ta.

Felix, baby, I love you!

You just overcooked us

into one hell of a night.

Get the ice bucket.

I got the wine.

I'm not going.

I said I'm not going.

Are you out of your mind?

You know what's

waiting for us up there?

You've just been invited

to spend the evening

in a two-bedroom hothouse

with the Coo-coo Pigeon Sisters.

What do you mean you're not going?

I've nothing left to say to them.

I already told them

about my brother in Buffalo.

Felix, they are crazy about you.

I'm telling you, they told me.

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