The Odd Couple Page #9

One of them wants to wrap you up

and make a bundle out of you.

You're doing better than I am.

Don't you understand?

I cried in front of two women.

They loved it.

I'm thinking of getting hysterical.

Don't you see?

I'm still emotionally tied

to Frances

and the kids.

I'm going to scrub the pots

and wash my hair.

Your pots and your hair can wait.

You're coming upstairs with me.

I'm not going.

What am I going to do up there

with two girls?

Felix, if I miss this opportunity,

I'll never forgive you.

You're not going to

make any effort to change?

This is the person

you're going to be

until the day you die?

We are what we are.

It's 12 floors... not 11!

Hello, sports fans.

Speculation is running high

among Yankee followers

as to the possibility

of trading away

the great right-hander

Hank Moonjean

for three unknown young players

and an undetermined

amount of cash.

Moonjean has racked up 10 wins

against only 3 losses

so far this year,

which is, incidentally,

high for both leagues.

It looks to this reporter

that the Yankee office

will be bombarded

by many protests...

How long will this go on?

You talking to me?

Yeah, I'm talking to you.

What do you want to know?

I want to know if you'll spend

the rest of your life

not talking to me.

You had your chance

to talk last night.

I begged you to come

upstairs with me.

Here. Here's a key

to the back door.

You stick to the hallway

and your room,

and you won't get hurt.

Meaning what?

If you want to live here,

I don't want to see you,

I don't want to hear you,

I don't want to smell your cooking.

Kindly remove that spaghetti

from my poker table.

What the hell is so funny?

It's not spaghetti.

It's linguini.

Now it's garbage.

You're crazy.

I'm a neurotic nut,

but you're crazy.

That's really funny

coming from a fruitcake like you.

I'm not cleaning that up.

Is that a promise?

Did you hear what I said?

I'm not cleaning that up.

That's your mess. Look at it.

It's hanging all over the wall.

I like it.

You'd just let it hang there,

wouldn't you?

Just let it hang

until it got all

hard and brown and...

It's disgusting.

Well, I'm cleaning it.

Leave that alone.

You leave that alone.

You touch one strand

of that linguini,

and I'm going to punch you

right in your sinuses.

Hey, Oscar, come on, now.

Now, listen,

why don't you just

take a tranquilizer?

Go to your room.

I said go to your room.

Let's just all settle down.

I'm warning you, Felix.

You want to live

through this night,

you better keep

this door locked

and lock your windows, too.

All right, Oscar.

I'd like to know what's happened.

What's happened?

Something made you

go off the deep end.

Is it something I said

or something I did?

Nothing you said.

Don't start me, Felix.

Is it the cooking

or the cleaning? The crying?

I can tell you

exactly what it is.

It's the cooking,

the cleaning, the crying.

It's the talking in your sleep.

It's those moose calls

that open your ears

at 2:
00 in the morning.

I can't take it anymore, Felix.

I'm cracking up.

Everything you do irritates me,

and when you're not here,

the things you'll do

when you come in irritate me.

You leave me little notes

on my pillow.

I've told you 158 times

I cannot stand little notes

on my pillow.

"We are all out

of cornflakes. F.U."

Took me three hours

to figure out

that F.U. was Felix Ungar.

It's not your fault, Felix.

It's a rotten combination,

that's all.

Yeah. I get the picture.

I haven't even

painted the picture yet.

I got a typewritten

list in my office

of the 10 most

aggravating things you do

that drive me berserk,

but last night was the topper.

Oh, brother, that was the topper.

That was the ever-loving

lulu of all times.

I had it all set up

with that English Betty Boop

and her sister,

and I wind up drinking tea

and telling them

your life story.

I warned you

not to make that date

in the first place.

Don't point that finger at me

unless you intend to use it.

Get off of my back, Oscar!

What's this?

A display of temper?

I haven't seen you

really angry

since the day

I dropped my cigar

in your pancake batter.

Oscar, you're asking

to hear something

I don't want to say,

but if I do say it,

I think you ought to hear it.

You got anything on your chest

besides your chin,

you better get it off.

All right!

Then you asked for it!

You're a wonderful guy, Oscar.

You've done everything for me.

If it weren't for you,

I don't know what

would have happened.

You gave me

a place to live

and something

to live for.

I'm never going to

forget you for that, Oscar.

You're tops with me.

If I've just been told off,

I think I may have missed it.

It's coming.

You are also one of

the biggest slobs

in the world.

I see.

Totally unreliable, undependable,

and irresponsible.

Keep going. I think you're hot.

No. That's it.

You've been told off.

How do you like that?

Good. Good!

Because now...

I'm going to tell you off.

For six months,

I've lived alone

in this apartment...

all alone in eight big rooms.

I was dejected, despondent,

and disgusted,

and then you moved in...

my closest and dearest friend.

And after three weeks

of close personal contact,

I'm about to have

a nervous breakdown.

Do me a favor, will you, Felix?

Move into the kitchen.

Live with your pots, pans,

ladles, meat thermometers.

When you want to come out,

just ring a bell,

and I'll run into the bedroom.

I'm asking you nicely, Felix,

as a friend...

Stay out of my way.

Walk on the paper, will you?

I washed the floor in there.

Hey, stay away from me, Oscar.

Oscar! Oscar,

stay away from me!

Oscar!

This is the day

I'm going to kill you.

Oscar!

No! Oscar!

Oscar!

You hit me,

you've got yourself

one sweet lawsuit!

Those dogs should be on a leash.

Oscar, can I speak to you calmly?

First you'll bleed. Then we'll talk.

I got you now, Felix.

There's no place

for you to go but down.

Are you out of your mind?

If you want to fight,

let's go to the living room.

I don't want you

in my living room.

I don't want you

in my bathroom, my kitchen,

my hall, or my building.

I don't want you at all.

What?

It's over, Felix...

the whole marriage.

We're getting an annulment.

I don't want to live with

you anymore!

I want you to

pack your things and get out!

You mean actually move out?

Actually, physically, immediately.

You mean move out this minute?

Yes. If you can do it sooner,

I'd appreciate it.

You know, I've got a good mind

to really leave.

Why doesn't he hear me?

I know I'm talking.

I recognize my voice.

If you really want

me to go, I'll go.

Then go!

I want you to go, so go!

When are you going?

You're in a bigger hurry

than Frances was.

Take as much time

as she gave you.

I want you to follow

your usual routine.

In other words,

you're throwing me out.

Not in other words.

Those are the perfect ones!

All right. I just wanted

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