The Only One Page #3

I've decided...

I've decided to sell the house.

I'll check into a rest home

so you can buy that mobile home

and the rest of the money goes

into a savings account, for Julie.

I can't tell you

how happy that makes me.

It's such a relief, it really is.

I couldn't sleep at night.

Don't you worry about a thing.

Guido will take care of the paperwork.

I can't say I'm surprised those fuses

keep blowing at every turn.

This installation probably

dates back to the stone age.

It has to be replaced

as soon as possible. All of it.

All of it?

- All the wires,

from top to bottom.

- Oh no, I just can't afford that.

You can't just leave it, you know.

- Goddammit, just my luck.

I've decided to move...

to that rest home, De Meibloem.

What?

- I know, I know.

I thought you had more backbone.

- So did I, but I was wrong.

Doing the dishes from time to time.

Is that so hard? Or vacuuming?

Or going to the launderette

once a week?

I can't even make French fries

without burning down the house.

Leave the bottle alone then.

- The bottle won't leave me alone.

No, it's... it's the Ioneliness,

I just can't bear it.

At least I'd see other people there.

- Other people?

A dozen people like you have died

on every mattress in that rest home.

Your husband's there, isn't he?

Come on, I'll teach you

how to do your shopping.

Would you like a taste?

This is green tea.

Nice.

Thank you.

First lesson.

What's your favourite dish?

Rabbit in gueuze beer

with powdery potatoes.

That'll be your first lesson then:

Rabbit in gueuze beer.

But I'm replacing the powdery potatoes

with noodles and a salad.

Would you like to be my housekeeper?

- No, thanks.

But you won't need one

when I'm through with you.

I'll teach you the tricks of the trade

and I'm going to make sure

you get the hang of it.

So what'll it be?

Do you want to move to the rest home

to wither and die alone?

Or will you start a new life

as a new man?

Well if it isn't Lucien.

How about that for a coincidence?

What are you doing here?

Sylvia's teaching me how to cook.

- Aren't you going to introduce me?

This is Felix, and Mathilde.

- Nice to meet you.

This is Sylvia.

I thought you were moving to a home.

- So did I, but I was wrong.

I won't be going

to a rest home after all.

Lesson two:
How to make corrections

without typing everything twice.

Here, let me show you.

Well look who's here, it's Gerda.

Did she make you change your mind?

- She's called Sylvia.

What's the idea here?

- I'm going to be a new man.

A new man? Really? At your age?

- Yes, at my age.

Then you press this

and you keep it pressed down.

So you're not going to De Meibloem?

- No.

What about her?

- She's my fiance.

You just want to spite me.

- Why would you think that?

Move the mouse over to "Edit",

click and select "Cut".

Cut, yes.

That woman cares about one thing and

one thing only. She's after his money.

You don't know that.

- But I do.

A little bird told me

that she-devil is dirt poor,

and he's a well-to-do widower.

Do I need to spell it out?

Come off it.

He's thirty years older if not a day.

My point exactly.

- There's life in the old dog yet.

You couldn't care less apparently.

Your dad is no fool, you know.

Certainly not when it comes to money.

Not only is he a fool,

he's behaving like the town idiot.

Why do you have it in

for Lucien lately?

It's them I'm worried about.

And Julie.

She's wrapping him around her finger

and she'll run off

with your inheritance in no time.

Mathilde is right and we both know

what he's capable of.

I'd have him inst... I'd have him...

what do you call it?

Institutionalised.

- Now you're really exaggerating.

We have to do something.

Why don't you ask him

to bequest the house to you.

That way you'd even

avoid succession duties.

Save...

as vidange...

perdue.

Enter.

A Trappist?

Say, why do you need a computer?

Sylvia taught me how to type and

she's teaching me to surf the net.

Surfing the internet

all over the world.

Surfing?

- Yes.

Now have a seat, drink that beer

and tell me to what I owe this visit.

No reason, I just dropped by.

- Come on, pull the other one.

I can see there's something

on your mind, so spit it out.

I have nothing against that,

on the contrary.

What do you take me for?

You have nothing against what?

- Well, Sylvia and...

You know what Mathilde's like.

She's goading Gerda.

Really? Why?

They're outraged.

- What do you mean, outraged?

Poor little Astrid hasn't been gone...

and then you...

Oh, well...

That really is an excellent Trappist.

- It's the same as always.

She's not moving in, is she?

- Who, Sylvia?

You nitwit.

- Don't take it the wrong way.

Put yourself in Gerda's shoes.

She's worried about her inheritance.

Surely that's normal?

You go back to your gendarme,

I'm busy.

Can I at least finish my Trappist?

So you're not going

to the variety show then?

Of course I am.

I'm looking for a wife, aren't I?

Mathilde said she really

doesn't feel like it.

That's a first. Normally she looks

forward to those evenings.

I don't know

what's got into her lately.

That's a good one.

Stop it or I'll wet myself.

Will you look at that? It was

a great idea to bring Lucien along.

It takes his mind off things

and that's good, isn't it?

He'd just be bored sitting at home.

Just look at them,

they're all spying on our Don Juan.

It's my leg. Shall we go sit down?

- Sure.

Jurgen Starlight makes the stars

shine in the night.

And the party goes on.

How about an old-fashioned game

of musical chairs?

I need twenty brave people.

Don't be shy now. Get up, get up.

Get up.

Line up here with Jurgen Starlight.

Bastard.

And now you want to kill me.

What do you think?

You said you wouldn't cheat on me.

That woman from just now?

Surely you're not jealous of her.

Don't play stupid with me.

Mathilde? Where are you?

What's wrong, honey?

Would you like to go?

I'm going to have a beer.

Would you rather go home, darling?

Something wrong?

- No, Lucien, nothing's wrong.

I'm just trying to decide

whether to hang or drown myself.

Of course, you could always

jump under a train.

Don't give me any ideas.

Do you want to come inside?

How was your night?

Eventful. Much too eventful.

It ought to be forbidden to grow old.

So you're scared to die.

- Scared...

I don't have enough time left

to be scared.

No, seriously?

What I really don't want

is to get ill.

When I think about what Astrid,

my wife,

had to go through.

She was terribly afraid

to die of cancer. Colon cancer.

She had a friend who'd died of

colon cancer and who'd suffered a lot.

That's why, every day,

Astrid checked her... you know...

her stool.

She had this special wooden spoon

she'd hidden

in a drawer.

She thought I didn't know.

Do you miss her?

Do I miss her?

What do you expect?

We were together for 55 years.

Now can I ask you a tough question?

- Sure.

Why did you put your husband

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