The Opposite of Sex Page #8

But I'm sure that wherever he is,|he doesn't care that we screwed around.

He doesn't feel better that you|moved me in but told everybody|that it was more than sex.

He died, that really sucks.

But you don't get to make it better|by being this really great guy...

who only likes|the insides of people.

He was robbed.

So were you.

Even Lucia, who I could care less|about...

Couldn't care less.

Sorry.

So...good night.

You look kind of cute...all stupid|like.

Can I just say to all the girls|out there...

if you're with a guy who groaned or made|some crack during that little kiss...

you're with what we call|a closet case.

That's the number one tip-off.

Number two is if they freak out|about gays in the military.

You know, if they can't discuss it|without giggling about showering|with guys...

and bending over for soap|and stuff.

That's not good.

Real straight guys don't spend a|whole lot of time thinking about|wet naked men, if you ask me.

I'm sorry... it was all|that stuff about Tom.

How did you get here?

I followed you guys|from the Seven-Eleven.

Do you have anything to eat?

So what do we do now?

I'm gonna try to convince her|to have the baby back in the States.

Are you never gonna call me again?

I don't have to,|you keep tailing me.

Matt thinks that it was about sex,|too...

so I wasn't completely off.

Matt has a higher opinion of sex|than you do.

Than I used to.

Congratulations.

Congratulate Carl.

I don't feel so good.

What the f*** is she doing here?

Is something wrong?

Oh, my god! Take her to the couch,|take her to the couch.

Where does it hurt?

Where do you think?

What's going on?|Oh, my god, is she...

Hi, Miss Dalury.|What are you doing here?

Never mind, Jason. Call 9-1-1.

It's okay, it's okay!

Go see how fast|an ambulance can get here!

Get that towel.

You are not hemorrhaging.|Are you having contractions?

No, this is my sleepy face.|What the f*** do you think?

- What's going on?|- We can't get through!

We'll be at the hospital in a few|minutes. It's okay.

This can't be good.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Is that the ambulance?

That was Carl. How did he find us?

Only one of you can|go in there with her.

She's crowning.

What does that mean?

They can see the head.

It's huge! You can probably see it|from space!

You're gonna have a baby.

Yeah, lucky me.

You can call your mom if you want,|after this.

- No. Bill?|- Is another one coming?

Where's my bag?

Lucia has it. You need something?

Tom's ashes are in there.

All of them. I double-bagged it.

Good.

It was really f***ing low.

I want you to know that I know.

We don't have to talk about this now.|Everything's gonna be fine.

And the baby's Randy's.

I know, it was an accident.|I don't have to hear this now.

We don't need to talk about it.|Everything's gonna be fine.

I just don't want you to think|that I never think about it.

I don't think that.

If anything happens to me, will you|keep the baby, not them?

Nothing's gonna happen to you.

All right, here we go.

Breathe, breathe...

All right, bear down. Push.

Excuse me, but haven't we seen this|scene like a million times before?

I pant and swear, and I'm like,|you know, pissed off.

Women delivering|are always pissed off...

and asking for that shot,|that epidural or whatever.

And swearing at the man who got|them into it and so on.

So I gotta give you|something else to watch.

You feel free to go back and forth.

Carl, we're all waiting inside.

I'm fine out here.

I'm sorry. There wasn't time|to pull over.

- What's the point, Lucia?|- What's what point?

What's the point of sleeping with you|if it doesn't get your attention...

if I always come second to Bill?

Excuse me?

Say the point of sex isn't recreation|or procreation or any of that stuff.

Say it's concentration.

Say it's supposed to focus your|attention on the person you're|sleeping with...

Like biological highlighter.

Otherwise, there's just too many|people in the world.

So while I'm sleeping with you, I'm not|supposed to care about anybody else?

Look for me first|in any crowded room.

And I'll do likewise.

Otherwise, a person ends up sleeping|with somebody else.

It's just a habit,|thinking about Bill.

Because of Tom.

I know.

Are you okay?

So you think there are too many|people in the world?

What are you talking about?

And sex has nothing to do|with procreation?

Are you pregnant?

Yes.

Really?

And I'll tell you something,|it's not Bill's.

One more, one more. Come on, Dedee.

It's a boy.

It's a boy.

It's a boy.|It's a beautiful baby boy.

Just do me a favor, count his balls.

Oh, sh*t...

She's gonna need blood.

We need two pints of O-negative|in here stat.

And put twenty crit in that line|and open it up.

Call surgery and tell them we've|got a postpartum bleeder in the E. R.

Let's go, let's move!

Didn't think I could die, did you?

Look at them. Who'd have thought|they gave a sh*t?

Even her. Look at her.

Unless she's crying for Bill,|not me. Contact grief.

No, I think it's for me.

Look at Bill.|I did nothing but screw up his life.

I knew Matt liked me.

He's got a boner,|believe it or not.

Drama queen.

And like these guys,|some of you ended up liking me, too.

And thought maybe,|just maybe I wasn't a total sh*t.

But you were wrong.|I'm screwing with you right now.

No way I died.

I could've, that much is true.

The river of blood, that happened.

But somehow it stopped.

I don 't know why, but it did.

When do we get to see him?

After they've cleaned him up.

We can leave.|We don't have to stay long.

Does she get skinny right away?

Probably not, Matt,|but that's a real intelligent question.

Because she really hated being fat,|I mean really...

You okay, buddy?

Yeah, it's been a long year.

I'm glad she's not dead and all...

but she's what|I call a real user.

I don't know what's so great|about motherhood.

Just looking at that soft spot made|me wanna scream.

I told Matt and Jason|that I wanted to keep him,|and they were pretty cool about it.

When you nearly hemorrhage|to death, people cut you a break.

Most of them, anyway.

Carl got us to return to the States,|so he's like super cop.

Matt and I had to go out to Palm|Springs and answer all these|questions about Randy.

Matt gets off scot-free.

Me, they put in jail|for six months for leaving|the scene of a crime or something.

Even though they couldn't prove|it was murder.

Especially since Randy left all|these crazy writings in the room|about satan and stuff.

So that looked good for me.

Lucia decided to forgive me|and sent me care packages every week.

Lucky me.

Jason made a statement that he'd|been paid to make his charges...

by the Christian Right guys on|the school board -- the ones|against evolution and Huck Finn.

Which was a total lie, but even so,|they won't be back for another term.

I let Bill take custody|of the baby.

And he worked it out so my parole|time was spent at his place in Indiana.

Breaking escrow cost him a shitload.

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