The Other Woman Page #3

or your marriage or your dog.

If Edith Piaf rises

out of the grave and

you have a threesome,

I don't flipping care!

I was keeping you in the loop.

I want out of the loop!

Take me out.

Okay?

Okay!

Thank you!

Come on, Thunder.

Oh, my God.

Sorry. It's me.

Don't be mad. I just...

I just want to talk. I thought

we could have some dinner?

How do you know where I live?

We followed you home.

But I didn't want to show up

empty-handed, so I brought food.

Some food is right here.

How'd you get in the building?

We waited for someone to leave

and then snuck in.

Hi.

What is your deal? Do you

not get how weird this is?

I just thought maybe we could

talk, because I, um...

Because...

Because my whole

world just blew up

and I don't have a job!

I have no money of my own!

And I honestly do not know

what I'm going to do at all!

I have no friends

to talk to because

my friends are Mark's friends...

...and they'll blab!

You are literally

the only person in the world...

...who knows what's

happening besides me!

And if I keep

talking to myself...

...about it, I'm going to go

crazy... for real. Like, really.

I can't talk to you

until you stop crying.

I want to.

Let me just...

I'm sorry.

I just am sad.

Then cry on the inside,

like a winner.

You can't care for yourself

unless you toughen up.

As far as talking to someone

who won't blab,

I can give you the names

of three different lawyers.

Lawyers cost money.

You have money. You have

half of what Mark has.

Okay. Thank you.

You're welcome.

Are we done?

Done? That wasn't

even a conversation.

You mostly just yelled

at me the whole time.

Okay, look.

If I let you in,

we are not braiding

each other's hair

and drinking Cosmos.

You have one hour.

Okay.

And I get first dibs

on what's in the bag.

Sure thing.

Have a seat, but please keep

your dog off of my furniture.

Thunder...

...get down.

Get down. Get down.

Down!

Okay. That's great.

He's just a puppy.

Have a seat.

I don't want to sit someplace

where you and Mark had sex.

Is the ottoman okay?

Mmm...

What about the chair?

If I'm being honest...

Are you serious?

It's a window!

People can see in here!

You just have to pick a spot

and be okay with it.

Just have a seat.

Is Mark calling?

Yes, it is.

Mark's in Miami.

Why is he calling you?

I didn't know he was in Miami.

Why is he calling you at all?

I don't know that, either.

I don't call a boyfriend back

after I find out he has a wife.

So you haven't

called him, full silent

treatment and

he's still calling?

I'm pretty sure that's

why he's still calling.

What if he's calling to say he loves

you and wants to be with you?

I don't care.

Well, what if he's

in love with you?

I mean, has he ever

said he loves you?

Has he talked to you

like that, or has he...?

I mean, do you think

that he still loves me?

If we're going to do this,

I need a drink.

I get it.

Get what?

You have the perfect place, and

you are the perfect girl...

...and you could probably take off

all your clothes right now...

...and have no flab

and not need a wax...

...or anything and

just be ready to go.

My situation's pretty situated

at all times, it's true.

And see, I am not situated.

I can't even remember

to shave my legs.

I need like at least a week

of prep, minimum.

Doesn't Mark see you

naked all the time?

No.

He doesn't?

No. It's...

Nooooo.

What's it like? Is it

like a '70s situation?

It's like...

...now I'm totally serious,

like... not...

No man likes that.

It's like a...

just not...

I'm not saying

you have to be bald

or anything.

Just like a fig leaf.

That's all they want.

They just need to have...

...a pretty little

patch of happiness.

You know, I am like...

...Martha Stewart...

...but with big underpants.

Let me tell you something

about Martha Stewart.

She handled prison like a boss!

Thank you. Right?

I still think I'm not ready to

compete with women like you.

Though technically,

I have been competing

with women like you

and just didn't know it.

We're not in competition.

We got played

by the same guy.

I call it a tie.

Tequila or vodka?

I can't believe

I'm in the mistress's closet.

I am not a mistress. A mistress

knows she's dating a married man.

I didn't know, so I'm not a mistress.

Can you say that, please?

Seriously, can you please

say I'm not a mistress?

Oh. You're not a mistress.

Thank you.

Sorry.

Try these on. These

ones are very special.

I don't think we have the

same size foot.

This looks like

a box of bungee cords.

What it does is

hold your tits up.

That's so awesome.

This is like a logic puzzle.

It would look so hot on you.

I don't know why

men find these sexy.

Mouse hammock.

Wake up. You're making

out with your dog.

Ugh.

What is he doing?

Oh, no.

No, no, no!

I'm sorry.

Ugh!

Damn it!

You want me to get it?

I'm really sorry.

I thought I had him that time.

Send me the cleaning bill.

Believe it.

You'll send me

the lawyers' names?

You still want those?

Yeah.

Listen, Mark's shady. He

finds out you have a lawyer,

you become the enemy.

If he thinks...

...you're clueless, you have an edge.

Get your ducks in a row.

Thank you for everything.

I really appreciate it.

Yeah. That's fine.

Thank you so much.

No problem.

You're welcome.

Bye.

Holy sh*t.

Sh*t.

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought

you'd have your phone off.

Then why even call?

Why did you have your phone on?

What do you need, Kate?

Well, it's not

a big deal, but...

...you know how sometimes

you get like a...

...just a hint of

a zit and you...

...pick at it

a little bit, and...

...you keep picking at it...

...until it becomes this...

...soul-sucking, life-ruining

face crater that you...

...absolutely cannot hide?

You're calling

because you got a zit?

Not exactly.

What the hell did you do?

It was an accident.

An accident?

I know.

Were you on PCP?

Okay, here's what happened.

I started digging around.

Everything was locked.

And I started thinking,

maybe he is shady.

And then I started

thinking that this

whole room is filled

with lies and secrets.

It was like this

red mist came over me.

So...

You know how I told you to

get your ducks in a row?

Well, this isn't

putting your ducks in a row.

This is putting your ducks

in a wood chipper!

Hold on.

Sh*t, he's early.

Who?

My brother, Phil.

Don't mention

the whole mistress thing.

But it's such an icebreaker.

Who's this?

I'm Carmela, Kate's decorator.

Oh.

When did you fire Joel?

I didn't.

No, he's, um...

She's doing all of the stuff,

the feng shui... in the house.

We met in Hong Kong.

I told you.

We bonded over dim sum

and spatial reasoning.

Two of my favorite things.

That's so smart and funny!

That's really witty.

So, this is my brother.

Yeah, you said that.

He's a contractor.

Oh, a contractor.

He'll look at

the office while you go.

Unless you want to stay.

I would love to, but it's

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