The Pacifier Page #13

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ACTRESS/LIESL

To write on...

TODD:

You are sixteen, going on seventeen...

Shane bursts into laughter. His whole face lights up for

the first time ever...

Todd and Liesl dance. Todd is good, but nervous. He

attempts a spinning kick, but he slips, and hits the

stage, clutching his ankle. He gets up, and limps to the

seats. The Director walks onto the stage, upset. He

looks up, to heaven:

DIRECTOR:

Baby Jesus, have I done some unspeakable

evil that I deserve to be saddled with

the world’s worst production of Sound of

Music? (he shouts, at the cast:) We open

in a week. The set’s not finished... The

cast is a bunch of clumsy goats -- every

kick ball change would make Bob Fosse dig

himself out of the earth, so he could

have a heart attack again.

.

TODD:

I’m sorry... I’ll get it right.

DIRECTOR:

None of you will ever get it right! Which

is why, I quit.

He throws down his script. The Cast is stunned.

DIRECTOR (CONT’D)

And with that, he exits stage right...

end scene.

65.

And, on his own cue... he exits stage right, in a huff.

The entire cast looks to Todd, fuming.

Shane jumps up from his hiding place, startling

everybody. Everyone steps back. Todd is terrified.

Shane kneels down beside Todd. He closes his eyes, and

begins rubbing his hands together like Mr. Miyagi.

LIESL:

You gonna fix him?

SHANE:

No. My hands are freezing.

Shane grabs Todd’s ankle hard and unceremoniously CRACKS

it, and yanks him to his feet.

TODD:

I’m not going to quit. I hate wresting...

SHANE:

AT EASE. (Todd shuts up) Would you

listen, just once? Look, I don’t know a

hell of a lot about this kinda stuff,

but... You’re good. A lot to learn, but

with hard work, discipline -- you could

make a go of this.

.

TODD:

... but what about Murney?

SHANE:

That guy’s an idiot.

Todd smiles, relieved. They sit on the edge of the stage.

SHANE (CONT’D)

“Sound of Music” is a great show. My dad

took me to see it when I was a kid.

Shane smiles wistfully. Todd relaxes.

TODD:

You don’t seem like the musical type.

SHANE:

Come on. Julie Andrews was hot.

TODD:

What if... girls’ll think I’m... weird or

something?

66.

SHANE:

You know what girls think is weird?

Wrestling. Men in leotards pinning each

other to the floor? I’ve never understood

that. Chicks dig guys who can dance.

TODD:

Doesn’t matter now anyway... show’s

off... it’s over.

Shane looks at the Cast, they look pretty glum as they

pack up their costumes. Todd looks devastated -- only a

moment after Shane saw him happier than ever. Shane

straightens up, grabbing Todd by the shirt collar. BEAT.

SHANE:

COMPANY -- CENTER STAGE!

Everyone looks around, they’re not sure what to do... off

Shane’s glare, they quickly assemble on stage.

SHANE (CONT’D)

DO YOU, OR DO YOU NOT HAVE WHAT IT TAKES

TO PERFORM THIS MUSICAL?

There’s some mumbling. Liesl chimes in.

LIESL:

We don’t have a director...

Shane shakes his head.

SHANE:

No director? I have directed rescue

missions in Afghanistan! I’ve directed

numerous snatch and grabs in countries

who’s names you are not allowed to know.

I have choreographed multi-pronged

amphibious landings and stealth air

attacks!

(full of bravado)

Do you think I have the stomach to whip

this production into shape, or not?

Everyone nods... Todd looks up at Shane. He smiles.

TODD:

Yes.

SHANE:

YES WHAT?

67.

TODD/CAST

YESSIR.

INT. PLUMMER HOUSE - UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - LATER

Shane’s patrolling the hallway. He hears Zoe in her

room, BREAKING something, angrily. He peeks in -- just as

Zoe THROWS her cell-phone into the wall, furious.

SHANE:

... What’s up?

ZOE:

(embarrassed)

Nothing... It’s stupid... Scott. I called

him in his room, another girl picked up

the phone. I know it’s no big deal. I

don’t know why I let it get to me.

SHANE:

I don’t see what you see in this guy.

ZOE:

It’s just nice to think someone’s

thinking about you, you know?

.

SHANE:

(He nods)

It won’t happen again.

ZOE:

... No wait! ...What are you gonna do?

You’re not gonna hurt him are you?

Promise you won’t touch him.

SHANE:

Okay. I promise. I won’t touch him.

Shane exits. He turns out the light.

INT. LULU’S ROOM - LATER

Shane tucks Lulu into bed.

LULU:

Tell me a story.

Shane looks at her surprised. He sits on the bed...

Stumped. Then he starts:

SHANE:

Okay. Let’s see. Once there was a family

of Elves.

(MORE)

68.

SHANE(CONT'D)

One day, the little Elf family -- Uh.

Went into the magic forest. To find a

secret gnome... facility, where gnomes

where turning mushrooms into... Uranium.

The elves had to go in and take it out.

LULU:

Why?

SHANE:

They were ordered to. By the Elf Unit

commander at Elf station bravo. So --

they waited for cloud cover, and they

came in from the north...

As Shane finishes the story, he illustrates, setting up

the scene with DOLLS, on Lulu’s floor.

SHANE (CONT’D)

The Elf Team decided on an L Ambush -- so

three elves formed a base leg and laid

down a heavy suppressive fire on the

gnomes while the others maneuvered around

to the right flank and walked through

finishing off anything left alive... I

mean standing...

.

DISSOLVE TO:

AN HOUR LATER:

Shane’s really into the story. Lulu’s fallen asleep.

Shane’s eyes are brimming with tears as he finishes:

SHANE (CONT’D)

... And not one Elf got left behind that

day. We got ‘em all. Even, the teeniest

little elf of all -- Rodriquez.

Then, from across the hall, Peter WAILS. Todd pops his

head in the door.

TODD:

You have to do the Panda Dance... or he

won’t stop.

SHANE:

Oh, c’mon... I can’t remember that thing.

TODD:

I’ll write it down for you...

The wails get louder and LOUDER...

69.

INT. NURSERY - CONTINUOUS

Tyler’s asleep. Shane sighs, and whispers to Peter,

reading from Todd’s notes:

SHANE:

When you’re down and low, lower than the

floor. And you ain’t got a chance. Don’t

make a move ‘til you’re in the groove,

and do the Panda Dance...

Peter starts bawling. Shane doesn’t know what’s wrong.

Todd calls from the doorway...

TODD:

You have to do the dance. Like dad used

to do. He made it up for him.

Shane sighs. He sings again, mortified. He does the dance

as he sings... Shane hops forward three times.

.

SHANE:

Just hop three times like a kangaroo -Sidestep

twice, just like the crabs do.

Peter applauds. Humiliated, Shane crab-walks sideways.

SHANE (CONT’D)

Take three steps forward and one step

back... (He does.)

EXT. PLUMMER HOUSE - MORNING - THE NEXT DAY

As Mr. Chun gets his paper, Shane, (Tyler in the

snuggle), hands out bag lunches as the Kids load into the

minivan. Shane turns and catches Mr. Chun, staring.

SHANE:

What are you looking at?

INT. GARAGE - MOMENTS LATER

Todd sits in the back of the Minivan, listening to Sound

of Music on his Walkman, Lulu is next to him, with her

Gameboy, Zoe and Peter are half asleep. Shane climbs into

the PASSENGER SEAT. Zoe realizes he’s staring at her,

through the mirror.

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