The Paper Page #2

- You know what?

Go do that.

That's a good idea.

I'll handle Wilder.

Don't worry about it.

- What are you gonna do to Wilder?

- Nothing.

You don't know what it's like

to live in pain. It does things to you.

- It changes you.

- I'm sure it does.

I wanna talk to you

about those changes, okay?

Rub some... nothing.

Look, keep all the bullshit

away from me today...

because I've got a really big decision

I have to make...

and I just need some time

to think about this.

What, about the job at The Sentinel?

How do you know about

the job at The Sentinel?

Bernie told me.

Bernie knows? Oh, man!

It's a newsroom, Henry.

I know it's none of my business,

but...

do you really want

to count pencils uptown?

Is that you?

Sometimes you can just smell...

a horrendously shitty day

on the way, can't you?

Don't chop the sh*t out of it

like you did with the nun thing.

It's early.

Let me look at it.

This jerk on the phone wants

a correction on the quake story.

You have an early proof from yesterday?

I hate columnists!

Why do I have all these columnists?

I got political columnists,

guest columnists...

celebrity columnists...

The only thing I don't have

is a dead columnist.

That's the kind I could really use.

- Right. Listen...

- We reek of opinions.

What every columnist at this paper

needs to do...

is to shut the f*** up.

I'm serious.

Can I talk to you for a second?

Because I know...

If you don't mind walking.

I gotta walk before I die.

- Why? What's the matter?

- You don't want to know.

- Sure I do.

- No, you don't.

If I said, "What's the matter?"

I'm listening.

All right, all right.

I got a prostate

the size of a bagel.

You still coming?

Look, Bernie. I know you know

about the Sentinel interview.

It's an assistant

managing editor thing.

It's really more sideways

than up.

- You can jump in here anytime.

- What are you looking for?

You want me to make it easy for you

to go to another paper?

You want a ride uptown?

You want me to wait outside

and think positive thoughts?

That's not my job.

My job is to keep your ass

downstairs.

- What am I supposed to do?

- I don't know.

It's nine to five.

It's more money. It's less hours.

Martha... We're having the baby,

and she gave up her job.

So it's for her.

That's okay.

Not just for her.

It's for me too.

Bernie, you've got kids.

How'd you keep doing the job?

Don't ask marital advice

from a guy with two ex-wives...

and a daughter

that won't speak to him.

The problem with being

my age is...

everybody thinks

you're a father figure...

but you're really just

the same a**hole you always were.

You do have a problem, Henry,

but it's your problem.

Thanks, Bernie.

You've been a big help.

Daryll!

How you doing?

Come on in.

Make sure she put on those sneakers,

you hear me?

Yeah.

- I don't want to...

- You're gonna wear them.

- What do you think's gonna happen?

- What does it say?

Nothing.

Damn.

Open the parachute.

Hello?

Henry, why aren't you

at your interview?

Well, hon, it's not

for another two hours.

What's up?

Janet told me you called.

- Tell him to do it over.

- He'll love that.

What's up, honey? Are you okay?

Do you need anything?

Not right away, I mean...

Tell me everything that's

going on there. Leave nothing out.

You know, the usual delights.

Honey, can you tell me

what you need?

Because I got this meeting with Alicia.

- Don't take any crap from her, okay?

- Okay.

I won't. Have you got everything?

Last chance. Anything at all.

- Water bed!

- Water bed.

Okay, honey. The phone

is slipping out of my hand.

No, wait, stop.

- Here it goes.

- No, I'll remember.

- I'll remember.

- Okay, you call me when you got it.

All right? Goodbye.

I love you. She's nuts.

Alicia Clark.

Give me a break.

- Oh, my God.

- Fred, let him use your phone.

- They stole his radio.

- Isn't that the parking cop?

McDougal has got to be stopped.

- How long will this take?

- Three hours.

You'll be like penguins.

It takes time.

- How was your meeting?

- It was great.

Do you have last month's phone bill?

I wanna talk to Henry first thing.

Your decorator called. She said

the kind of wood Bruno picked out...

for the chair rail was not included

in the guaranteed price...

and you're gonna have to

approve another $600.

Unbelievable. Every time

the phone rings, it's $600.

Also, Robert De Niro's office

called.

- Bobby called?

- Well, his office.

There are two seats left at his table

tonight for the benefit.

- No kidding.

- Yeah.

If you want them,

it's gonna be $500 a plate.

Tell them that we'd love to be

Mr De Niro's guests.

Hit "guests." If they mention

the 500 again... You son of a b*tch.

You promised me.

For God's sakes, Alicia. We're not

gonna ask some news reporter...

to wait until after 5:00

to make out-of-state phone calls.

It's ridiculous.

I'm not gonna do it.

Let's let them make

free phone sex calls too.

You mean as a kind of bonus?

That's not a bad idea.

- Why don't you start with Phil?

- Start what with him?

You think my job's easy?

You think it's fun firing people?

"Firing people"? Is that what

you're gonna start with me?

Aw, Jesus, Bernie.

Come on with the smoke.

You know the doctor found

nicotine in my urine again.

Then keep your dick

out of my ashtray.

That's very funny. Very funny.

Two days after a black kid is killed

in a neighbouring community...

two white businessmen named

Hanson and MacGregor...

get shot up, with racial epithets

written on their car.

Now, in response,

the New York Sun decides to run...

a parking story.

Keighley called me

at 7:
00 this morning.

Yeah, I'll bet he did.

- Bless you.

- Joe, please cover your mouth.

Metro, I assume

we're all over the subway.

Three pieces.

A tick-tock, list of injured,

search for heroes.

Standard transportation

wreck stuff.

- We got any art?

- Yeah.

Eddie picked up

some nice spaghetti shots.

Love the severed arm shot.

Did they find the motorman yet?

Yeah, drunker than a skunk

in his neighbourhood bar.

Oh, God, he derails his train and steps

over bodies to have a few beers?

What do you do

after you step over bodies?

I have a cigarette

and go to sleep.

Here you go. We got an above-average

bank robbery in the Bronx. That's good.

An exploding hand grenade

in Hoboken.

What about something fun?

Don't we have anything fun today?

- Nazis marching in New Jersey.

- There you go.

Nazis are a barrel of laughs.

Features.

We got Alison's profile

of the teenage hit man.

We got Grace finally done with that

Hollywood who's-banging-who chart...

and part three in our continuing saga

on penile implants.

By the way, could we possibly get

another dick drawing?

It looks like a map of Florida.

It also looks like, I think, the 5th

at Shinnecock Country Club, doesn't it?

I would play over the water,

by the way, as a suggestion.

All right. Business.

Dow's up. Trade figures came out

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes