The Perfect Match Page #3

about Fawn the other day.

You couldn't go one round

with her in this shape.

Please, sex-durance and hike-durance

are completely different sh*t.

Pressie and I have been having sex,

like, 10 times a day...

trying to have this kid...

and this is way easier than that.

What'd you just say?

Motherf***er,

I know "sex-durance" isn't a word.

- Get off my motherfucking back.

- Wait, wait.

I think Chucks is talking about...

you saying you and Pressie

are trying to have a kid.

- I said that out loud?

- Yeah, you said it out loud.

Are y'all trying to have a kid or not?

I thought I was using my inside voice.

Yes, we're trying to have a kid.

That's awesome, man. Congratulations.

Why you ain't tell us, man?

Stop messing around. Stop messing around.

She's not pregnant yet.

Wait up!

You put it...

Okay, this is some Fifty Shades sh*t.

I can't.

Look, I told you, I don't want

all of this stuff at my bachelorette.

Where else are we gonna find

little cups with penises?

Besides, I'm... I'm not only here for you.

Oh, you and Rick use toys?

Not usually, but we need

something to spice it up.

Trying to have this baby is a haze.

And I never thought I would say this.

I think I hate sex.

Oh, no! That's not good.

Oh. Yeah, I'm gonna need this.

Oh, girl, you do not want to get

that water-based lube.

Trust me, it'll dry up so fast...

and your man will be going in,

and you'll be like, "Oh, hell no."

Get the silicone base.

Oh, yes, definitely.

Excuse me. Uh, hi.

You just seem very educated

on the subject.

Um, my friend here,

she's trying to spice up her sex life.

Do you have anything

that you would suggest?

Do I? How much time you got?

Girl, you must be trying to have a baby.

Me and my man went through the same thing.

All right, uh, this miniature whip...

is good for when he's slacking off

with the stroke.

Give him a little pow.

I ain't worried 'bout nothin'...

Nigga, I ain't worried 'bout nothin'...

I don't understand how she does that.

I don't know why you don't want

to see her again.

Guys, I've moved on.

Look, you should too, all right?

Man, I'm just trying

to live vicariously through you.

Nate!

- Hey, Charlie. The usual?

- Yes, sir.

Hey, y'all want anything?

- Nope.

- Cool.

And make sure to send me the schedule

for the juice truck next week.

Absolutely, man. I'll do that.

Hot dog! Yes, sir!

- Hey, Caroline.

- Hi.

You, sir.

I gotta say, all these one-night stands...

I think you're missing out, brother.

I'm with Vic on this one.

Guys, what the hell

am I missing out on, all right?

You jack off to pictures

of the women I date.

Okay, first of all, that was one time.

And you said

you weren't gonna say nothin'.

Is that the chick?

Holy sh*t. That's her.

Who?

Don't... Don't look.

Don't look, all right?

- What am I not looking at?

- Guys, stop looking.

She's right there.

That's the dime piece

I was telling you all about...

from work the other day.

She left before I could holler.

God damn, I would tear that ass up.

Hey, hey, it's not

always about sex, Charlie.

Says Mr. Celibacy.

Hey, I bet if you were with a woman...

and gave it a shot you'd get caught up.

That you could actually

have a conversation with.

- No, I would not.

- Yeah, you would.

- No, I wouldn't.

- How do you know?

You never even tried.

Yeah, because I know me, all right?

Look, you've been dreaming about being

with Ginger since we were kids.

You've been dreaming

about having little Ricky's running around.

I've been dreaming

about making money, driving a fast car...

and f***ing models.

We're not built the same.

- I call bullshit.

- Bullshit, homey.

Sorry, you're just covering.

You are trying to protect yourself

from falling in love.

Dude, I don't know

what y'all are talking about, man.

All right, so take us on a bet.

You date a woman till Vic's wedding,

and see if you get attached.

The same woman.

What does that mean? So I gotta date one.

I could smash other joints.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

You don't get to date and smash.

It's a package deal.

Date one, smash one. One.

So I gotta date one girl

and hang with the same girl?

Yes, dating and hanging.

That's kinda how it works.

Until his wedding.

My wedding.

Deal. I'll take you up.

One woman until Victor's wedding.

And when I do this...

the two of y'all will agree

to never bring this sh*t up again.

- All right.

- And when you don't do this...

our reward will be

finally seeing you happy.

- Nah, I don't like that reward.

- No?

My reward idea would be something

like a 3D, flat screen television.

You know what? Let's keep it 100.

How about this?

When you lose this bet...

I get to deliver the best man's speech

at his wedding.

Are you okay with this?

I am all kinds of okay with it.

- Deal.

- To the eye's.

- To the eye's.

- I got you.

- Make it real.

- To the eye's.

Greek Goddess, cayenne, dark chocolate.

Idiot.

Oh, I'm sorry. That's...

This is mine.

That's a Greek Goddess

with cayenne and dark chocolate.

That's my drink.

Eva.

I saw you earlier this week

at Premiere Edge.

Yeah, you did.

- So...

- So...

- I'm a dime, huh?

- Yes, you are.

And you would tear my ass up.

Oh, sh*t.

You heard our conversation.

Yeah, you boys were kinda loud.

I'm sorry. Let me make it up to you.

That's okay. Don't worry about it.

No, no. Hold on. Hold on.

Here's my card. Let me take you out.

No, but thank you.

I know your type.

You're the Lothario, right?

The Lothario?

Yeah. You think you know

everything about women.

You could teach me what I don't know.

You couldn't handle me.

Greek Goddess

with cayenne and dark chocolate.

But good luck with your bet.

Oh, sh*t, man.

It's all good. I probably deserved that.

Sorry about that, Charlie.

- I got this.

- It's all good.

It's all... Don't worry about it.

That was very valiant of you, Charlie.

Your drink is ready.

Damn.

Hey, Kareem,

I need that research on Mobilo Tech.

- Sir, um...

- Send it to my... What are you...

Hello?

Avatia is here.

She wants me to purify the space

before she comes in.

Karen, you know you're supposed...

to schedule with Kareem

and not just show up?

- What are you...

- I'm sorry.

I'm using the purification app.

Seriously? What are you doin'?

Avatia is driving me nuts.

She's driven everyone away.

Just about everybody has quit.

The housekeeper has quit.

The feng shui specialist has quit.

Do you know her Italian Greyhound ran away?

Only it didn't run away.

It went to a neighbor's house...

because it just wanted

to get away from Avatia.

Okay. Okay, Karen. Calm down, all right?

I'll fix it. Send her in.

That's all, Boris.

Avatia. Seriously?

Oh, my spiritual advisor

says that I should conserve...

my personal energy whenever I can.

And it's good to keep

your feet off the Earth...

for at least an hour a day.

You know couches do that, right?

Oh, so all this on Twitter

about you acting like a crazy diva is true?

You know what?

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