The Phantom Tollbooth Page #4

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SPELL YOUR OWN NAME.

A SLAVISH CONCERN

FOR THE COMPOSITION

OF WORDS:

IS THE SIGN:

OF A BANKRUPT INTELLECT.

BEGONE, ODIOUS WASP!

YOU SMELL:

OF DECAYED SYLLABLES.

ODIOUS WASP?

HOW DARE YOU!

EN GARDE!

E-N G-A-R-D-E!

[BUZZ]

YIKE!

BACK! BACK!

BACK, I SAY!

DIDACTIC DRONE!

VERBOSE VERMIN!

AAH! BACK!

PARSIMONIOUS:

WORD MISER!

OVERBEARING DRAGONFLY!

TOUCHE!

TOUCHE!

T-O-U-C-H-E!

YOW!

[CRASH]

[BUZZ]

GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY,

GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY!

I'VE NEVER SEEN

ANYONE SO GUILTY!

UH-OH!

GUILTY,

GUILTY, GUILTY!

JUST AS:

I THOUGHT.

YOU AGAIN!

GUILTY:

OF SOWING CONFUSION,

UPSETTING:

THE ALPHABET CART--

APPLECART.

CORRECTING:

AN OFFICER,

WREAKING HAVOC,

MINCING WORDS...

[RINGING]

AND HAVING A DOG

WITH AN UNAUTHORIZED

ALARM.

[WOOF WOOF]

AND ILLEGAL BARKING.

I SENTENCE YOU BOTH

TO SIX MILLION YEARS

IN PRISON.

SIX MILLION YEARS?

BUT--BUT ONLY A JUDGE

CAN SENTENCE YOU!

GOOD POINT!

I SENTENCE YOU BOTH

TO SIX MILLION YEARS

IN PRISON.

COME ON, I'LL TAKE YOU

TO THE DUNGEON.

BUT--BUT YOU CAN'T!

I MEAN, ONLY A JAILER

CAN PUT YOU IN PRISON.

GOOD POINT!

I AM ALSO THE JAILER.

COME ON, COME ON!

KEEP YOUR CHIN UP,

MY BOY.

MAYBE THEY'LL TAKE

A MILLION YEARS OFF

FOR GOOD BEHAVIOR.

BE, B-E,

OF GOOD HOPE,

H-O-P-E, HOPE.

YOU'LL FIND IT QUITE

PLEASANT DOWN HERE.

ISN'T I A LITTLE DARK?

OF COURSE IT'S DARK.

DUNGEONS ARE ALWAYS DARK.

IF THEY WEREN'T DARK,

THEY WOULDN'T BE

SO UNPLEASANT.

BUT YOU SAID IT WOULD BE

PLEASANT DOWN HERE.

WHICH--

PRECISELY! WITCH.

YOU CAN ALWAYS:

CHAT WITH THE WITCH

IF YOU GET LONELY.

THIS IS IT.

ALL THE COMFORTS

OF HOME.

[CLANG]

SEE YOU IN SIX MILLION YEARS!

OH, THERE YOU ARE!

HOW DO YOU DO?

HELLO.

COME IN,

COME IN, COME IN.

YOU'D BETTER BE

VERY CAREFUL, MA'AM.

THERE'S A WITCH

AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE.

WELL,

OF COURSE THERE IS.

I AM SHE.

FAINTLY MACABRE,

THE NOT-SO-WICKED WHICH.

THERE. YOU SEE?

"OFFICIAL WHICH.

KINGDOM OF WISDOM."

OH, A WHICH,

LIKE THE WHETHER MAN.

OF COURSE.

THE WHETHER MAN:

IS MY BROTHER.

AT LEAS HE USED TO BE.

I DON'T KNOW

WHETHER HE STILL IS.

I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM

IN YEARS.

HAVE A COOKIE.

THE QUESTION MARKS

ARE DELICIOUS.

WHAT DOES A WHICH DO?

WELL, I USED TO HELP

PEOPLE CHOOSE:

WHICH WORDS TO USE--

WHICH WERE:

THE MOST PROPER:

AND FITTING WORDS

FOR ANY:

AND ALL OCCASIONS.

BUT WHEN:

RHYME AND REASON

WERE BANISHED--

RHYME AND REASON?

YES, MILO,

WHEN THE TWO KINGS

HAD THEIR:

TERRIBLE QUARREL.

WHEN KING AZAZ INSISTED

THAT WORDS WERE FAR

MORE IMPORTANT THAN NUMBERS...

AND HENCE, HIS KINGDOM

WAS TRULY THE GREATER,

AND WHEN:

THE MATHEMAGICIAN CLAIMED

THAT NUMBERS WERE

MUCH MORE IMPORTANT THAN WORDS,

AND THEREFORE,

HISKINGDOM WAS SUPREME...

WHY, THEN, NATURALLY,

THEY ASKED THE PRINCESS

OF SWEET RHYME:

AND THE PRINCESS

OF PURE REASON:

TO SETTLE THE QUESTION.

AND WHAT DID THEY DECIDE?

WHAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT--

WORDS OR NUMBERS?

THE PRINCESSES DECIDED

THAT WORDS AND NUMBERS

ARE OF EQUAL VALUE.

[TOCK] IN THE CLOAK

OF KNOWLEDGE,

ONE IS THE WARP,

AND THE OTHER:

IS THE WOOF.

BUT YOU SEE, MILO,

THIS DECISION:

INFURIATED THE TWO KINGS,

AND THEY BANISHED

THE PRINCESSES:

TO THE CASTLE:

IN THE AIR.

AND I WAS THROWN

INTO THIS DUNGEON.

THAT'S WHY PEOPLE DON' SEEM TO CARE ANYMORE

WHICH WORDS THEY USE,

AS LONG AS THEY:

USE LOTS OF THEM.

AND THAT'S WHY THERE'S

NO RHYME OR REASON AROUND HERE

AND EVERYBODY THINKS

HE'SSO GOOD.

HEY! MAYBE WE

CAN RESCUE THEM:

AND RESCUE YOU, TOO,

MRS. FAINTLY...

IN ABOU SIX MILLION YEARS.

OH, THERE YOU ARE!

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

BEEN LOOKING ALL OVER

FOR YOU.

THE ROYAL BANQUE IS ABOUT TO BEGIN.

SOUP'S ON.

I STILL HAVE TO SERVE

MY SENTENCE:

OF SIX MILLION YEARS

IN PRISON.

NO TIME:

FOR SENTENCES.

NO TIME:

FOR WORDS.

THE CONDEMNED BOY

ATE A HEARTY MEAL.

PRISONS ARE:

FOR THE BIRDS.

JAILBIRDS.

MUSTN'T KEEP

AZAZ WAITING.

KINGS GE HUNGRY, TOO.

ROYAL BANQUET'S

JUST BEGINNING.

JUST IN TIME:

FOR ROYAL STEW.

CHOW.

GOOD-BYE, MRS. MACABRE.

DON'T WORRY. I'LL FIND

A WAY TO RESCUE YOU.

BYE, FAINTLY.

WE'LL BE BACK.

[TRUMPET FANFARE]

HIS MAJESTY, THE SUPREME

RULER OF SEMANTICS,

MOST EMINEN CHIEFTAIN OF PARTICIPLES,

LORD AND MASTER OF WORDS,

SUPER SOVEREIGN:

OF SYNTAX,

CHIEF POTENTATE:

OF ADVERBS AND PREPOSITIONS...

KING AZAZ THE UNABRIDGED.

IF YOU PLEASE, SIR...

[GRUMBLE]

YOUR MAJESTY--

MY NAME IS MILO.

AND THIS IS TOCK,

MY WATCHDOG.

AND WE'VE BEEN SENTENCED

TO SIX MILLION YEARS FOR...

AAH!

SIX MILLION?!

THAT'S NO A SENTENCE!

THAT'S A NUMBER!

IT'S AGAINST THE LAW

TO MENTION NUMBERS

HERE IN DICTIONOPOLIS.

WORDS ARE THE ONLY

THINGS THAT MATTER.

I'M SORRY,

YOUR KINGSHIP, SIR.

AFTER ALL, ME BOY...

YOU COULDN' HAVE ONE FINE DAY

WITHOUT THE DAY,

COULD YOU?

YOU COULDN'T HAVE

TEA FOR TWO:

WITHOUT THE TEA,

COULD YOU?

YOU COULDN'T HAVE

THREE BLIND MICE

WITHOUT THE MICE,

COULD YOU?

SO YOU SEE, MILO,

WORDS ARE REALLY

VERY VALUABLE THINGS.

IF YOU THINK:

A GREAT THOUGHT:

HOW DO YOU WRITE IT DOWN?

WORDS:

IF YOU SPOT A BRUSH FIRE,

HOW DO YOU WARN THE TOWN?

WORDS:

IF YOU HAVE OPINIONS,

HOW DO YOU SPEAK YOUR PIECE?

IF YOU RENT A CASTLE

HOW DO YOU READ:

YOUR LEASE?

IF YOU KNOW A GOOD JOKE

HOW DO YOU TELL:

A FRIEND?

WORDS, WORDS

THAT'S HOW

WORDS, IN A WORD,

ARE AMAZING:

YOU CAN READ THEM,

YOU CAN WRITE THEM

YOU CAN SING THEM

AND RECITE THEM:

UNDERLINE THEM:

MISDEFINE THEM:

THEY'RE AMAZING

WORDS, IN A WORD,

ARE FANTASTIC:

YOU CAN HINT THEM,

YOU CAN SAY THEM

YOU CAN PRINT THEM,

YOU CAN PRAY THEM

EMPHASIZE THEM:

AND DESPISE THEM

THEY'RE FANTASTIC

STRING THEM INTO SENTENCES

AND THOUGHTS PROFOUND

WILL ABOUND:

IN A SYMPHONY:

OF SPOKEN SOUND:

TRUTH IS FOUND:

BEAUTY CROWNED,

IN OTHER WORDS:

WORDS, IN A WORD,

ARE DELICIOUS:

YOU CAN TASTE THEM,

YOU CAN TREAT THEM

YOU CAN WASTE THEM

YOU CAN EAT THEM

AND DIGEST THEM:

I SUGGEST THEM:

THEY'RE DELICIOUS

WORDS:

SPEECHES.

SPEECHES.

TIME FOR SPEECHES.

Y-YOU, ME BOY,

AS OUR GUEST,

MAY SPEAK FIRST.

AHEM!

YOUR MAJESTY,

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

I WOULD LIKE TO TAKE

THIS OPPORTUNITY--

ENOUGH. NEXT.

SOUP BONES, DOG BISCUITS,

PORTERHOUSE STEAK,

CARPET SLIPPERS.

ROAST TURKEY,

MASHED POTATOES,

VANILLA ICE CREAM.

VEAL CUTLET PARMESAN.

EGGPLANT FLORENTINE.

EGGS GOLDENROD.

JONES SAUSAGE BRIOCHE.

PATE DE FOIE GRAS,

SOUPE A L'OIGNON,

FAISAN SOUS CLOCHE,

SALADE ENDIVE,

FROMAGE ET FRUI ET DEMI-TASSE.

BUT THAT'S MY SPEECH.

I DIDN'T KNOW I WAS

GOING TO HAVE TO EAT MY WORDS.

NOW, OF COURSE YOU DO.

THAT'S WHA WE'RE ALL DOING. MMM.

YOU SHOULD HAVE MADE

A TASTIER SPEECH.

[BURP]

I SEEM TO HAVE A TOUCH

OF INDIGESTION.

PERHAPS YOU'VE EATEN

TOO MUCH TOO QUICKLY.

TO BE SURE--

TOO MUCH, TOO QUICKLY.

I MOST CERTAINLY HAVEN' EATEN TOO LITTLE TOO SLOWLY

OR TOO MUCH TOO SLOWLY

OR TOO LITTLE:

TOO QUICKLY:

OR TAKEN ALL DAY

TO EAT NOTHING.

OR EATEN EVERYTHING

IN NO TIME AT ALL.

BUT WOULDN'T THAT BE

JUST AS BAD?

YOU MEAN JUST AS GOOD.

THINGS WHICH ARE

JUST AS BAD:

ALSO ARE EQUALLY GOOD.

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