The Phantom Tollbooth Page #3

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THE KINGDOM OF WORDS.

IT'S RULED BY KING AZAZ,

WHO HAS AN IRON LAW

THAT ALL WORDS ARE

MORE IMPORTANT THAN NUMBERS.

THE OTHER SIDE:

IS DIGITOPOLIS,

THE KINGDOM:

OF MATHEMATICS,

RULED BY:

THE MATHEMAGICIAN.

HIS LAW IS THAT NUMBERS

ARE MORE IMPORTAN THAN WORDS.

AND OVER THERE,

IN THE MOUNTAINS

OF IGNORANCE,

THE DEMONS ARE GATHERING,

JUST WAITING.

[THUNDER]

AND BEYOND:

THOSE MOUNTAINS, MILO,

IS OUR ONLY CHANCE.

THE C-A-S-T-L-E

IN THE A-I-R.

THAT'S

WHERE I'M GOING.

THE CASTLE:

IN THE AIR.

[THUNDER]

DON'T SAY THA AGAIN, MILO.

IT MAKES:

THE DEMONS VERY ANGRY.

AT LEAST THERE'S ONE SANE

AND INTELLIGENT MAN

LEFT IN THIS COUNTRY.

CHROMA THE GREAT.

THAT'S ONE OF

HIS BEST RAINBOWS.

HEY! THERE GOES

THE WHETHER MAN!

HAVE YOU FOUND:

MY WAY YET?

I HOPE IT ISN' MILDEWED.

COME ON, MILO,

LET'S GO.

WE'RE WASTING TI--

I KNOW. I KNOW.

WE'RE WASTING TIME.

STOP!

WHAT'S THAT?

HMM. UNLESS I'M

VERY MUCH MISTAKEN,

YOU JUST MISSED:

RUNNING INTO THE ABODE

OF KAKOFONOUS:

A. DISCHORD.

AH! HO HO HO!

[HONK]

BEAUTIFUL, ISN'T IT?

[HONK]

BUT...

OF ALL THE BEAUTIFUL

THINGS IN LIFE:

THAT NATURE HAS PROVIDED

[HONK]

A DAFFODIL:

A BUTTERCUP:

A BIRD:

HMM HMM HMM:

HO HO HO!

THE LOVELIEST THINGS

OF ALL TO ME:

I LONG AGO DECIDED

CANNOT BE SEEN:

THEY ONLY:

CAN BE HEARD:

BANG!

[CRASH]

CLANG! BOOM!

NOISE, NOISE,

BEAUTIFUL NOISE:

WONDERFUL, DEAFENING,

EAR-SPLITTING NOISE

WHISTLES AND SQUEAKS

SCREECHES GALORE

JINGLES AND JANGLES

OH, HOW I ADORE

ALL THAT NOISE, NOISE

MARVELOUS NOISE:

HORRIBLE, HIDEOUS,

AWFUL, INSIDIOUS

NOISE, NOISE, NOISE

[CRASH]

[CRASH]

YOU DON'T LOOK

WELL, MY BOY.

HERE, LET'S

HAVE A LOOK.

[HONK HONK]

JUST AS I SUSPECTED.

YOU ARE SUFFERING

FROM A SEVERE:

LACK OF NOISE.

NOW, THIS WILL

FIX YOU RIGHT UP.

HONKING HORNS,

SCREECHING TRAINS,

BELLS, SHOUTS,

SHRIEKS,

GURGLING DRAINS,

AND ALL THE RES OF THOSE WONDERFULLY

UNPLEASANT SOUNDS

WE USE SO MUCH OF

TODAY.

[CLANGING]

NOW, HERE, DRINK THIS

AND YOU'LL NEVER

HAVE TO HEAR:

A PLEASAN SOUND AGAIN.

NO! NO, THANK YOU.

I DON'T WANT TO BE CURED

OF PLEASANT SOUNDS.

WELL, NOW,

THAT'S VERY UNUSUAL.

HOWEVER,

NOTHING LOST.

I'LL JUST GIVE I TO THE AWFUL DYNNE.

THE AWFUL DYNNE?

[CLANGING]

[RUMBLING]

HA HA HA!

HA HA HA!

AH, THAT WAS

GOOD, MASTER.

THIS IS MY ASSISTANT,

THE AWFUL DYNNE.

GEE! I DON'T THINK

I'VE EVER ME AN AWFUL DYNNE BEFORE.

WHAT? NEVER ME AN AWFUL DYNNE BEFORE?

YOU MUST BE:

MISTAKEN.

AND WHEN YOU'RE PLAYING

IN YOUR ROOM:

MAKING A LOT OF NOISE,

WHAT DO THEY:

TELL YOU TO STOP?

WHY, THE--THE AWFUL DYNNE.

AND WHEN THE STREE IS BEING REPAIRED

WITH ABOUT 50 JACKHAMMERS

GOING ALL DAY,

WHAT DOES EVERYBODY

COMPLAIN OF?

THE AWFUL DYNNE.

RIGHT. AND NOW

MY VALUED ASSISTAN WILL SHOW YOU

VARIOUS EXAMPLES

FROM MY COLLECTION

OF RARE, EXOTIC,

AND SELDOM HEARD NOISES.

[HONK]

DIN?

HA HA HA HA HA!

DID YOU...

EVER HEAR:

AN ELEPHANT TAP-DANCE

ON A TIN ROOF LATE AT NIGHT?

THAT'S NOISE

BEAUTIFUL NOISE:

DID YOU EVER HEAR

A CENTIPEDE CRYING

WHEN HIS SHOES:

DON'T FIT HIM RIGHT?

THAT'S NOISE

BEAUTIFUL NOISE:

DID YOU EVER HEAR

A HUNGRY DINOSAUR

HICCUP ON A WINDY DAY?

DID YOU EVER HEAR

A NERVOUS BUTTERFLY

NIBBLE ON A CHEESE SOUFFLE?

HA HA HA!

AH, YES. NOISE IS VERY

FASHIONABLE TODAY.

I CAN HARDLY:

FILL THE ORDERS:

FOR NOISE PILLS,

RACKET LOTION,

CLAMOR SALVE,

AND HUBBUB TONIC.

YEARS AGO,

WHY, EVERYONE WANTED

PLEASANT SOUNDS,

BUT TODAY,

ALL THEY WANT IS...

BASH! BING!

BANG! BOOM!

POW! CLUNK!

DING! DUNK!

NOISE, NOISE,

NERVE-JANGLING NOISE

BATTERING,

CHATTERING, SHATTERING NOISE

GURGLES AND SCREAMS

ALL OF THAT STUFF

TICKLE MY EARDRUMS

I CAN'T GET ENOUGH

OF THAT NOISE, NOISE

MARVELOUS NOISE:

HORRIBLE, HIDEOUS

AWFUL, INSIDIOUS

NOISE, NOISE

NOISE:

[DING DONG]

[CRASH]

LOOKS LIKE A BEAUTIFUL

CROP, DOESN'T IT, MILO?

I'VE NEVER SEEN

FATTER Ws,

AND THOSE As

LOOK DELICIOUS.

ARE THOSE LETTERS

GROWING ON THOSE TREES?

WELL, MONEY DOESN'T GROW

ON TREES, DOES IT?

NO. IT'S JUST THA I'VE NEVER SEEN LETTERS

GROWING ON TREES, EITHER.

[MILO] TAKE A MINUTE

TO CONCENTRATE:

ANALYZE:

ANALYZE:

CONTEMPLATE:

CONTEMPLATE:

TAKE AN HOUR AND CHANGE

THE FATE OF THE WORLD

TIME IS A GIF GIVEN TO YOU

GIVEN TO GIVE YOU

THE TIME YOU NEED

THE TIME YOU NEED

TO HAVE THE TIME OF YOUR LIFE

THE TIME YOU NEED

TO HAVE THE TIME OF YOUR LIFE

GREETINGS.

SALUTATIONS.

WELCOME.

GOOD AFTERNOON.

HI.

WHY, THANK YOU,

AND HI.

BY ORDER OF AZAZ,

THE UNABRIDGED...

KING OF DICTIONOPOLIS...

MONARCH OF LETTERS...

EMPEROR OF PHRASES,

SENTENCES,

AND MISCELLANEOUS

FIGURES OF SPEECH...

WE OFFER YOU:

THE HOSPITALITY:

OF OUR KINGDOM.

COUNTRY.

STATE.

COMMONWEALTH.

PALATINATE.

ROYAL BANQUET...

TONIGHT...

IN YOUR HONOR.

7:
00 SHARP.

BE THERE.

GOOD-BYE.

ADIEU.

ARRIVEDERCI.

SO LONG.

CIAO.

[MILO] BYE.

I NEVER KNEW:

WORDS COULD BE:

SO CONFUSING.

ONLY CONFUSING, MILO,

WHEN YOU USE A LO TO SAY A LITTLE.

TOUGH PHRASES.

HOT PHRASES.

STEP RIGHT UP,

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

GET YOUR FRESH-PICKED

IFS, ANDS, AND BUTS,

RIGHT OFF THE FARM.

NICE WHAT, WHERES,

WHICHES, WHENS, AND WHOS...

GET YOUR HALF-BAKED

IDEAS HERE.

HALF-BAKED IDEAS HERE.

MEATY WORDS HERE.

POETIC WORDS.

SUBLIME WORDS.

FANCY, BEST-QUALITY

WORDS RIGHT HERE.

HOW ABOUT YOU,

YOUNG MAN?

HOW ABOUT A NICE BAG

FULL OF PRONOUNS?

MAYBE YOU'D LIKE

OUR SPECIAL ASSORTMEN OF ADJECTIVES.

BOY, WAIT TILL RALPH

HEARS ME USE THESE.

HOW MUCH ARE:

THESE, SIR?

WERE YOU THINKING

OF USING ALL OF THEM

IN THE SAME:

SENTENCE?

WHY, Y--

YES, SIR.

WELL,

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

WHY DON'T YOU

JUST TAKE A BAGFUL

OF HAPPYS AND GOODS

TO START WITH?

VERY USEFUL:

FOR HAPPY BIRTHDAY,

HAPPY NEW YEAR,

HAPPY DAYS,

AND HAPPY-GO-LUCKY.

USEFUL, TOO,

FOR GOOD MORNING,

GOOD AFTERNOON,

GOOD EVENING,

GOOD RIDDANCE,

AND GOOD-BYE!

Os BY THE POUND!

VOWELS:

BY THE POUND!

STEP RIGHT UP,

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

DO IT YOURSELF.

MAKE UP YOUR OWN WORDS.

BE CREATIVE. HAVE FUN.

START A LANGUAGE.

THAT LOOKS PRETTY

DIFFICULT, TOCK.

I'M NOT MUCH GOOD

AT MAKING UP WORDS.

PERHAPS I CAN BE

OF ASSISTANCE.

LOOK OUT!

A-S-S-I-S-T-A-N-C-E.

TOCK, LOOK OUT!

IT'S ALL RIGHT, MILO.

IT'S JUS A SPELLING BEE.

YES, PLEASE DON' BE ALARMED,

A-L-A-R-M-E-D,

ALARMED.

I KNOW BOYS ARE OFTEN

AFRAID OF BEES,

B-E-E-S, BEES.

BUT LET ME:

ASSURE YOU:

MY INTENTIONS:

ARE PEACEFUL,

P-E-A-C-E-F-U-L

AND YOU DON'T STING?

STING?

HA HA HA HA.

OH, ICANSTING,

BUT I DON'T.

HOWEVER, I CAN

SPELL ANYTHING,

A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G.

ANYTHING?

ANY WORD THAT HAS

EVER BEEN WRITTEN

IN ANY LANGUAGE,

ANYWHERE.

BALDERDASH!

LET ME REPEAT.

BALDERDASH.

BALDERDASH?

WHY, YOU--

OH, COME NOW.

DON'T BE ILL-MANNERED.

ISN'T SOMEONE

GOING TO INTRODUCE ME

TO THIS LITTLE BOY?

FINE MANLY LITTLE FELLOW.

THIS IS THE HUMBUG,

H-U-M-B-U-G.

A VERY DISLIKABLE

FELLOW.

NONSENSE.

EVERYONE LOVES:

A HUMBUG.

OH! HA HA HA!

AHEM.

INSECTIOUS HUMBUGIOUS,

IF I MAY USE THE LATIN.

INSECTIOUS HUMBUGIOUS?

WHY, YOU FRAUD!

YOU CAN'T EVEN

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