The Pill Page #3

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and tell her i loved her.

I would -- i would wait in line for hours...

at the Shake Shack, just to

get her what she wanted.

And i never cheated on her.

Many times, i could have.

There was a neighbor.

She always wanted to f*** me.

I kept turning her down,

and there was this chick at my job,

and i could have f***ed

these b*tches, man.

- I didn't.

- Yeah.

I'm a good person.

I am.

i can't believe

that you just threw me into that.

He was my roommate.

That's the truth.

How? In a one-bedroom?

We started out as roommates

in a different apartment,

and then it grew into something more.

What went wrong?

He smothered me with affection.

I was getting, like,

30 texts and 10 phone calls a day

with inane updates on every detail of

his life.

And when he did do something

interesting or romantic,

i couldn't care anymore.

He was too needy.

Well, did you ever tell

the guy how you felt?

Of course i did,

but nothing changed.

Us breaking up was for the best.

I mean, he wanted to pin his

entire existence on me.

You know,

i think that you might have jumped the gun

with Jim.

You think i should still be with Jim?

Well, a guy like Jim is...

is a really good guy,

and, in the future,

you know, you may want

to give a guy like that a second chance.

So... are you saying

you're not happy we met?

What?

No.

No, no, no, no, no. No.

i'm thrilled that we met.

I-i'm really...

i'm glad that we...

i'm really...

so, why are you blowing jim

up and putting him on a pedestal?

I'm -- okay. Listen, okay?

It's just that...

okay, compromise is a big part of

being in a relationship, right?

And, um, this is someth...

i've read a book once.

I mean, i skimmed it and read

the jacket cover,

but the point of the book

was that women...

and i'm sure...

that this applies to men, as well...

shouldn't wait for the perfect mate

to just roll into their lives

that they should settle, sometimes,

for mr. Or mrs. Good enough.

So...

this is you trying to break up with me?

What? No.

I'm not breaking up with you.

I mean, there's...

we can't break up, you know?.

I mean, we're not together in,

like, a girlfriend-boyfriend sense.

So, what are we?

I... hey, wha...

i'm just...

i'm just giving

you some friendly advice here.

So, that's what we are, then?

Are we friends?

Of course you're my friend.

But you're also much more than a friend.

So, we are...?

We are just really, you know, good...

good friends.

I think you should get out.

What?

I just want you out.

Please leave.

Hey, hold on. Listen, okay?

I am sorry, okay? I'm -- i'm an idiot.

Look, i thought we

were having kind of an educated dialogue.

It's like you

want us to fail and jim and me to succeed.

No. No. Are you kidding me?

No. Hold on. Look.

I was just saying that

he seemed like a nice guy,

but that is clearly a very

misguided judgment

on my point of view,

and i'm an idiot,

so i apologize.

I know what's going on here.

You know -- you know what?

What is going on here?

I see what you're trying to

do, and it's not gonna work.

You -- you -- what do you

know that i'm trying to do?

I'm not really trying to do anything...

you are trying to get

me to do something

that i don't want to do.

i would never try to get you to do

anything that

you don't want to do.

You're testing me.

Baby, you have nothing

to be jealous about.

It's over between me and jim.

Yes. I do.

I get -- i get really jealous sometimes.

Ohh, that is so sweet.

I have an idea.

You do?

Do you want to come with the...

i'm so excited,

i can't even talk.

Do you want to come with me to a party?

Um, a party.

A birthday party.

Um, yeah. Okay.

- Sure.

- I don't want to impose.

- No, no, that's --

- don't you have stuff to do?

No.

What's wrong with a party?

God, you're wonderful.

Come on, come on, come on!

Bonjour!

And you must be the new boyfriend.

fred, this is my mom, nadine.

Mindy just told me on the phone

you were coming.

Fred didn't know you were gonna be here.

My daughter,

she loves surprises.

Please come in.

There he is, the birthday boy!

- What game did you get me?

- No! No peeking!

- No peeking!

- Whatev.

Please, fred, come in.

I'd like you to meet my husband, renault.

Renault?

Renault!

This is fred.

Welcome to our home.

Ah. Thank you.

Thank you.

May i get you something to drink?

No. No, thank you.

Oh, please, sit down.

So, how did you meet Mindy?

Um, we were just, uh, old friends.

And then we reconnected recently through

mutual friends.

Ah, oui, oui, oui, c'est le book-face.

No, Renault. Facebook.

Oh, yes, Bakefoos.

Facebook.

Uh, no. Not facebook.

So, you've known each other for a while.

Well, i don't...

you know, it's hard to say, but...

what field are you in, Fred?

I-i'm a freelance copywriter.

Ah. You're a writer.

Yep. I'm a -- yeah.

Horrible way to make a living.

Renault!

What?

No, it's...

i mean, it can be challenging.

Have you done anything that we might have seen?

Uh, i wrote a commercial for Metamucil.

Meta-muzil.

No. Metamucil.

- Metamucil.

- Metamucil.

it was on the short list for a Clio.

Uh, who is Clio?

No. A Clio. A Clio.

Aclio.

A Clio. It's an award.

Ah, an award.

So, you won an award?

The director, he was nominated,

but he lost.

Um, yeah, i've been spending

most of my time working on my novel.

Ah, so that's exciting.

What's it about?

Uh, it's -- it's, well --

i-i guess i'm still kind of trying

to hammer out the central premise,

but it's, uh, set in New York.

It's kind of a coming-of-age, romantic...

Fred, have you ever considered

business school?

Uh, what? No. I haven't.

Why?

Something to think about.

- Renault!

- No.

But it's good to have a

back-up plan

for when the writing doesn't pan out.

Dad. Please don't abuse Fred.

We are just making conversation, darling.

Come help me wrap.

Oh, that must be Rose.

I-i cannot believe th...

i know you're upset,

but i really appreciate

you being here.

- This is unconscionable.

- What does that mean?

That means this is a family birthday party,

and what the f*** am i doing here?

- Because i need you here.

- Why do you need me here?

Because i can't face my sister alone.

Oh, that's won-- your sister's coming.

That's great.

What about an aunt? An uncle?

- Maybe some second cousins.

- Fred, calm down.

You should have just told me truth

instead of dropping me into this snake pit.

My family is not a bunch of snakes.

Look, i don't appreciate

getting career advice

from your father

two minutes after meeting him.

If i had told you exactly who

was gonna be here,

you wouldn't have come,

and i need you here,

because my sister is coming.

And she just got engaged,

and she's younger than me.

Please.

It'll be quick and painless.

I swear.

Just please stay.

Fine.

Thank you.

Thank you.

- Well, hello!

- Hi!

Rose, this is Fred.

We were just talking about you.

- Great to meet you.

- Nice to meet you, too.

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