The Pink Panther Page #6

but it's hell in here, my love.

Ten below zero outside, my darling.

Ah, my darling. My darling.

(Clouseau) At last!

(cork pops)

(Clouseau screams)

What are you doing?

- Yes?

- l just arrived. No trouble with the police.

But the princess is expecting

some visitors tomorrow.

- Did she say anything about leaving?

- Who is this?

- (woman) Yes?

- Princess Dala, please.

Her Highness checked out

a short while ago.

(tapping from suitcase)

(whistles)

Uncle Charles!

Uh-oh. Oh! Ah!

(laughter)

l said he could come as a Borgia, and then

he wouldn't have to explain his cousin.

Good evening.

(whistles cheerfully)

l mean, l enjoy champagne in bed

as much as the next man, my angel,

but, from now on, perhaps

a more practical approach?

l'm sorry, my darling. l just wanted

to surprise you, that's all.

- lt's been a night of surprises.

- You can say that again.

lt's been... (chuckles)

- Anyway, anyway, my love...

- Yes?

(phone rings)

Shall l say you're not here?

No. lt's all right, darling. l'll answer it.

- Yes?

- Tucker here, lnspector.

The man who kidnapped the dog

was driving a rented car.

He's been identified

as a man named Artoff.

London says that a man of his description

is employed by Sir Charles Lytton.

l see. Come up immediately. Sir Charles!

- Sir Charles?

- The Phantom. l've got him this time.

Oh.

(gunshot)

Sir Charles, open that door.

l know you're in there, Sir Charles.

Open up. This is the police.

- Stand back while l fire.

- Don't do that, old man.

- Jacques knows.

- Somebody else.

George has got my do-it-yourself

Phantom kit. l've gotta get out of here.

- His clothes are still here.

- Perhaps he's already escaped.

Unlikely. He doesn't realise

that l am on to him.

Now listen. We've no proof that Artoff was

actually the man driving the lnnocenti.

Sir Charles is our man.

My every instinct tells me so.

Careful. This gun is loaded.

What l must do now is get dressed

and search the rest of the hotel.

- Did you find him?

- No. But he can't be far. l must dress...

- lt's gone.

- What's gone?

My coat. My Sret Scotland-Yard-type

mackintosh, it's gone.

Good evening, lnspector.

- (Dala) What is it, Saloud?

- lnspector Clouseau.

Please excuse this interruption.

l have news of great importance.

This is Mr Tucker of Lloyd's of London,

and we have met before.

- l've met her, too.

- l know, but we are meeting her again.

What is this news?

l have discovered

the identity of the Phantom.

- You don't say.

- l do say.

- Of course, you're not positive.

- l am. He is, l believe, here in Rome.

- Really?

- Yes.

Have you heard from Sir Charles Lytton?

Not since l left Cortina. Why?

Sir Charles and the Phantom

are one and the same.

- You're not serious.

- l am serious.

l can understand how difficult it is

for Your Highness to accept the facts.

Sir Charles is a very persuasive

and attractive man.

He is also Sir Charles Lytton, a man

of considerable influence and reputation.

- She's got quite a point there.

- He is a fraud, and l shall prove it.

Meanwhile, l would like to surround

the house with armed guards.

l take it the gem is in the villa?

lt is. But as you know,

l'm having a large party this evening.

l assure you, your guests

will be caused no embarrassment.

They will not be aware my men

are present in their disguises.

ln that case, you have my permission.

Your Highness, mark my words,

if Sir Charles is foolish enough

to attempt to steal your diamond tonight,

you will be witness to the capture

of the notorious Phantom.

(Dala) Gentlemen.

- The plans will have to be changed.

- No.

We just have to make sure that

Sir Charles doesn't steal the jewel.

(## dance music)

Hello.

- Hello, Tucker.

- Like a drink?

No. l never drink whilst l'm on duty.

You should know that. Never.

- Cheers.

- Cheers. Warm.

Yes. lt must be hell in there.

Bet it's not so good in there.

- Anything suspicious?

- No, no, no. Nothing to worry about.

My men are everywhere - mingling here,

mingling there, watching all the time.

How dare you drink whilst you're on duty?

Who is inside there?

- Sergeant Walter.

- Sergeant Coff.

Any more behaviour like this and l'll have

your stripes! Get out and start mingling.

- Funny that, the zebra and the stripes.

- What? Oh, yes. Very good, very good.

Not bad, not bad. l think l'll mingle.

Goodbye.

Didn't l say l'd make this

the biggest social success of the year?

Yes.

The only thing that worries me is,

what do we do for your next one?

- How can l possibly top this?

- You'll think of something. Excuse me.

Of course, love. Have a ball. Hello, you!

May l see your invitation, please?

All right.

- Wasn't there a gorilla in a Rolls Royce?

- Yes. Probably a rich uncle.

You see, gentlemen? Perfectly safe.

One cannot be too careful. This party,

all your guests wearing masks -

it was possible that the Phantom

had already done his work.

Without an invitation, how could

Sir Charles get past your guards?

Where the Phantom is concerned,

Your Highness...

- What's wrong?

- Sshh.

- What are you doing?

- What are you doing?

- l protest.

- Remove your head at once.

Tucker, remove his head.

Ah!

- Good grief. lt's our ambassador.

- Ambassador?

My apologies, Lord Cravenwood. He was

only acting with the best of motives.

Your Highness.

Lord Cravenwood,

what would your wife think?

(gorilla growls)

- What's he got that l haven't?

- George!

- ln the flesh.

- What are you doing?

- Tarzan let me use the car tonight.

- Listen, you've got to get out of here.

(gorilla laughs)

- Darling.

- Lord Cravenwood, l'm so terribly sorry.

l was talking with Her Highness, and when

l discovered you, naturally l thought...

(gorilla gibbers)

- The ambassador.

- Yes, l know.

You haven't danced with me all evening.

l'm sorry, my darling.

That's all for now.

Pardon me.

l'm lost. l must have gotten off the road,

the main road. l'm on my way to Frascati.

You'll have to go down the road

a half-mile. You'll see a sign.

Turn right, it'll take you

right to the highway.

Excuse me. l've got

to talk to Lord Cravenwood.

- That's OK. He's making me itch anyway.

- Fine.

(crunch)

Listen to me. l know what you're up to,

and it won't work. You'll ruin everything.

Excuse me, Your Excellency.

May l cut in?

Thank you so much, sir.

Having a good time?

- Yes, an extremely good time.

- Good.

(gorilla chuckles)

Fine party, Angela, darling.

Wait till you see the fireworks at midnight.

(Lord Cravenwood) Hello, old boy.

May l have this dance?

l've never learned to dance.

l've just got natural rhythm.

Yes.

By Jove! That looks... lt is. lt's Sir Charles.

(screaming)

Tucker!

- lnspector.

- Tucker!

Tucker! Tucker!

lnspector!

- Argh!

- Take your filthy hands off my asp.

Tucker!

- Charles?

- Where's the safe?

ln the library.

George is robbing it. Come on.

But it's not midnight.

But they turned the lights out. Her

Highness must have changed her mind.

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