The Pink Panther 2 Page #5

Now, Antoine.

Let's talk about this, boys.

Come, little ones. All is forgiven.

Ponton, can we see Clouseau?

Is the French idiot home?

How does he feel about his disgrace?

Inspector Clouseau

is the consummate professional.

He always exhibits grace under pressure.

Die, little piglets!

My God, do you understand

what you have done that is wrong?

- Just remind me.

- You cannot beat up children

- and call them piglets.

- The world is changing so fast.

Inspector, you have failed to improve

at every opportunity.

You are the most small-minded nitwit

I have ever encountered.

- I am sure I can do better.

- Very well, we'll give you one more try.

I'm going to hold up a series of images,

and I want you to tell me what you see.

Just say the first thing

that comes into your mind.

A drunken Irishman.

An Englishman with bad teeth.

A San Francisco Nancy boy.

A Polish army officer driving a septic tank.

Where did you get these cards?

It's in every newspaper all over the world.

We're all being made to look like idiots.

Reputations built up over a lifetime

utterly ruined.

I had to quit being a Buddhist

because I feel so much hate.

He sat on the Pope's hat!

Look, he recovered the Pink Panther once,

and I believe he can do it again.

If he solves this case, I'm perfectly willing

to run around for 24 hours

wearing nothing but a tutu

and carrying a big, pink, fluffy handbag.

I say we take a vote to get rid of him.

All in favor?

Whatever it is, count me in.

Clouseau, while you were

falling off of the Pope's balcony

dressed as the Pope,

I discovered a key piece of evidence.

And what is this key piece of evidence?

A key.

I found this on the Pope's bedroom floor.

Something, of course, you overlooked.

That could mean anything.

But if this key is so important,

I will take it and duly examine it.

Inspector Clouseau.

It is my not-so-sad duty to inform you

that you have been voted off of the team.

Off the team?

You are no longer part

of this investigation.

Cheerio.

Nicole.

- Nicole?

- Inspector.

I was just returning a file.

What are you doing in Nicole's office?

- When I got fired...

- You thought Nicole was the one person

- you could share it with.

- Well, we do go back.

Story of my life,

the men I'm interested in

aren't the ones interested in me.

Really? I would think all men

would be interested in you.

- Why do you say that?

- Because...

...you are very attractive.

- I will see you in my office in five.

But really, there is no one?

Frankly speaking, the one big love

of my life didn't quite work out.

You poor thing.

Nicole!

No, no, no, don't let me interrupt.

I only have a message from Vicenzo.

He wants you both at this address,

immediately.

He has decided he needs my expertise.

No. They've solved the case.

- What?

- They've solved the case.

Inspector, welcome.

Even though

we've had certain disagreements,

we are willing to share the glory with you

out of our respect for la Francia.

Pepperidge examined the key

and knew right away

it was made by a French locksmith.

Kenji did research on the locksmiths

in Paris who sell this brand.

We asked for a list of addresses

and we found this apartment.

When we got here,

we found the owner licking the carpet.

His name is Laurence Milliken.

And the stolen items?

The Shroud of Turin!

We should have it dry-cleaned

before we return it.

The Pope's ring.

His wife will be happy to have that back.

- And where is the Pink Panther?

- Unfortunately, that cannot be recovered.

No Pink Panther?

- He explained in his suicide note.

- Yes.

"Life had become horribly dull

and uninteresting.

"Nothing matched the excitement

of stealing great treasures,

"so I returned,

"but I found that even stealing

no longer interested me.

"Without a purpose,

I no longer wish to live.

"I am returning every treasure but one.

The Pink Panther.

"Having it in my possession

for even a few days

"made me realize its fabulous beauty.

"No one must have it but me,

so I destroyed it.

"The Pink Panther is dust, a final revenge."

"Laurence Milliken, the Tornado."

I spent four years researching and writing

my book. I hoped to meet him alive.

The Tornado was an expert

on gems and their value?

Yes, in fact, Milliken was the author

of the most authoritative book

on the subject.

This man did not commit these crimes.

The case has not been solved.

But, look, there's the wound

from 10 years ago.

- I stake my reputation on it.

- Well, that's not much.

- The media are outside.

- Then I will announce

- that we have solved the case.

- I wouldn't.

- I will.

- I wouldn't do it.

- I am going to.

- I wouldn't.

I am delighted to announce

that we have found II Tornado.

The dead man in the apartment

is indubitably

the perpetrator of these crimes.

Actually, one of us disagrees

with this hypothesis.

I am sure that Milliken is not the thief.

Hold it. We're getting the report

on the DNA evidence.

The DNA taken from the body

of Laurence Milliken today

and the DNA taken 10 years ago

from the blood of the Tornado

are a 100% match.

The man inside is the Tornado.

I'd like to thank my colleagues

for their assistance,

and especially one of your own

here in la Francia.

My most heartfelt appreciation

to Nicoletta.

You are a beacon of light

in a forest of darkness.

Nicole is no less a thief than II Tornado

because she has stolen this.

Your mama is here.

Say goodbye to Uncle Jacques.

- Goodbye, Uncle Jacques.

- We love you, Uncle Jacques.

You are two fine, young, little pig persons.

- Goodbye, Papa.

- Goodbye.

- When will you be coming home, Papa?

- I'm not sure.

Goodbye.

Well, Ponton,

we are two available men alone in Paris,

the most exciting city in the world.

How should we spend our evening?

- What sort of shampoo is this?

- Jojoba.

- Jojoba.

- Jojoba.

Let me see the bottle.

- It's spelled "Jojoba."

- It's pronounced "Hohoba."

It's spelled "Jojoba,"

but it's pronounced "Hohoba."

- "Hohoba."

- Why would they do something like that?

Well, Ponton, I think our bachelor night

is going very well. Who needs women?

I'm going back home

to my wife and children.

- What? What brought this on?

- You. I don't wish to end up... I mean...

I have decided that love and family

must not come second.

If I may, Inspector,

look what that thinking has done for you.

What? I'm very happy living alone

with my various shampoos.

Inspector, I still think you are

the best detective in the world.

Yet, when it comes to love, you never see

what is staring you right in the face.

Take Nicole, for example.

Do you know the color of her eyes?

Her pet's name? Her favorite song?

You can recite an entire section

of every statute in French criminal law,

but you don't know the first thing

about the woman who loves you.

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