The Polka King Page #6

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Now he's the number-one plumber

in Scranton.

He's got three trucks going

and a swimming pool.

Let me give you a massage.

I begged Marla not to marry a musician.

Now they're dragging my grandson

down with them.

Maybe there's something you don't know.

Most musicians starve.

But the Jan Lewan Orchestra?

We make a living.

I think Jan is a drug dealer.

- What?

- He's got multiple post office boxes,

those weird filing cabinets.

He's always getting calls

and leaving the room.

One day, he's broke.

Next day, he's rolling in dough.

I can't figure out

how he's paying that band.

I ran the numbers.

Barb, come on. Come on, please.

The most he gets for a concert is $1,500.

Usually, it's more like 800.

- He's got a other business going on.

- He's in the hole with every show.

He's got investors.

What are they investing in?

Do we really have to talk

about this right now? Please?

I made up this whole crazy story

so I didn't have to go home

and see Cheryl.

I was really looking forward

to being with you.

I'm sorry. I'm just so wound up about Jan

and what he's up to.

Jan Lewan is not a drug dealer, okay?

You're under his spell.

You can't think clearly.

If it wasn't for Jan Lewan,

I wouldn't be here right now.

Mickey Stutz didn't have the stuff

to cheat on his wife.

But Mickey Pizzazz, he's got the stuff.

You're right.

You don't rent a room at the Land O' Nod

to have this conversation.

Mickey...

Yeah, baby?

Will you hold me?

I'll do a lot more than that.

[Barb yelps]

Oh!

Oh, Mickey.

Everyone said Joanne Dupree

was gonna win, including my mother.

But Joanne Dupree did not win.

I won.

And you'll win again.

[cheers]

- ["More Is My Love" playing]

- More is my love

Than leaves in the autumn

More is my love for you

I'll love you till

The stars fall from heaven

And this I promise you

That forever I'll be by your side

I will leave you never

Trust my heart with your love inside

To be there forever

More is my love

Than birds in the springtime

More is my love for you

The day we met

I knew you would be mine

I knew my wish came true

More is my love

My love

For you!

Everything looks delicious.

What's going on with you?

Come on.

I've moved out.

David got his driver's license.

Doesn't need me anymore.

[woman]

Mm, there's something more than that.

I like having my own place again.

Oh, I saw Jan last week.

We had to withdraw all our money with him.

You invested with Jan?

Yeah, we did, but we had to cash out

to pay for Sid's gallbladder surgery.

Did you get your money back?

Oh, and then some.

We made so much money with Jan.

Maybe Ken and I should invest.

Don't! Please don't. Trust me.

I'd invest with him again in a heartbeat.

But, now that Sid

lost his foot to diabetes,

all our money goes to his fake foot.

It pains me to say this

about my own son-in-law...

but I think he's a little shady.

He was always on the up and up with us.

- [cheering]

- ["Polka Bubbles" playing]

Polka bubbles, polka bubbles

Polka bubbles in the wine

And with Mickey on ukulele

It's polka bubble time!

Roar!

[Jan] Oh! Whoa-oh!

Bitsy Bear fall.

Thank you all for your beautiful dancing!

So I am sure all of you know,

next week is Mrs. Pennsylvania Pageant,

and I want lots of people

to cheer for my Marla.

So guess what.

I rent five buses to bring you all!

- [crowd cheering]

- [Jan] Ziggy-zaggy, ziggy-zaggy!

[crowd] Oi, oi, oi!

There's a whole goddamn bus,

yet she always ends up sitting next to me.

Okay, you've got a pretty inflated ego.

I have no interest in sex with you.

Then why do you keep leaving messages

on my machine?

Okay, okay, okay.

Lonny, loosen laces, but keep shoes on.

Bitsy, sit somewhere away from Lonny.

And no more calling, okay?

Break!

Every time there is sh*t being stirred,

Bitsy Bear is holding spoon.

Don't record none of that.

Erase. I don't want none of that.

Can we talk privately?

Vince, go to parking lot.

Get people saying, "I love Jan Lewan."

Band's kind of unhappy

that you're renting buses.

Buses are investment.

We bring crowd, they cheer for Marla.

If Marla wins Mrs. Pennsylvania,

we're all gonna make money.

I don't get that. Nobody gets that.

I put on poster.

We are big power couple, okay?

Then we get TV show,

like Sonny and Cher,

or Regis and Kathie Lee.

Sometimes, you got to spend money

to make money.

But where's the money coming from?

Is it coming from my pocket,

your investors' pocket, the band? Who?

Anybody in band don't like buses,

they can try to make money with no Jan.

Good luck with that.

- I'm sorry. Listen, okay...

- Don't...

You wanna see the books, Mickey Pizzazz?

- I show you books, I show you everything.

- Yeah.

- I do wanna see the books.

- Then you come anytime.

- You come to shop, I show you.

- Okay.

Hey, hey, hey. We're okay, huh?

Marla, my beauty, you working so hard,

but, no matter what happen today,

you are already...

- [crowd] Oh!

- [gasps] Oh, Jan.

[chuckles]

Let's load those buses!

Okay, conga!

Ba-rum-pa-pa, pa-pa-pa!

Here we go.

Ba-rum-pa-pa, pa-pa, pa!

Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome to the stage...

12 of Pennsylvania's classiest ladies.

[music playing]

[applause]

When I hold you near me

Open up your heart and hear me

I'm the singer

You're the song I sing

It's a song about you

How I just can't live without you

Marla Lewan of Hazleton,

if you had all the money in the world,

what would you buy?

[faint coughing]

I don't need money

because I already have everything

that I need right here.

My family and my friends.

That is beautiful answer.

- Up.

- [applause]

Everyone, up.

Connie Klopski of Newberg,

if you were a car,

what kind of car would you be?

I would be a car made in America.

I would be luxurious.

And most importantly,

I would be fuel-efficient.

It is imperative that we find our own

home-grown sources of energy,

something that I'm confident

we, Americans, who are so hard-working

and so independent, can do!

- [man] Yeah!

- That's what kind of car I'd be!

[cheering]

Wow! She's a goddess.

[Connie] Yeah!

- Hey, guys, guys, guys.

- [Connie] Go, America!

Guys, sit! Sit!

- Come on, let's sit.

- [Connie] USA! USA!

[crowd chanting] USA!

USA! USA! USA!

Excuse me, I left lucky krakowska on bus.

Pardon me, excuse me.

[chanting continues]

In third place,

hailing all the way from Philadelphia...

Debra Johnson!

[applause]

- Congratulations.

- Thank you so much.

She did real good, Jan. Real good.

And the runner-up, from Newberg...

Connie Klopski!

[cheering]

And this year's

Mrs. Pennsylvania goes to...

Hazleton's own Marla Lewan!

[Jan yells] Yeah!

- [music playing]

- [sobbing]

[gasping]

Thank you, Lord. Thank you.

I love you so much.

Marla work so hard. I so proud.

And today, I am not Jan Lewan.

I am Mr. Mrs. Pennsylvania.

- [man] I don't know happened.

- What?

- All right? I have no idea...

- What happened?

Okay, let's go! The buses are leaving!

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