The Prize Winner of Defiance, Ohio Page #3

- Sounds pretty clever.

I asked him to set aside a prime rib,

a chateaubriand, what do you think?

- We each get our own filet mignon.

- Absolutely.

Tuff, honey, would you set the table?

I had filet mignon once.

It ain't that great.

When have you started saying "ain't"?

Get off your high horse.

It's a perfectly good word.

- Here.

- Oh, thank you.

This is perfect.

I was gonna put on fish sticks,

but now I can make sloppy joes.

Might as well cook it up now.

Looks like hamburger's not gonna be

good enough for this family anymore.

Oh, of course it is.

Itjust won't be the only thing we know.

I asked the kids to make a list

of what they want me to grab.

- What would you like?

- Don't waste any space on me.

Oh, now stop. Think.

What have you always wanted to try?

- I don't know.

- Sure you do.

Shrimp cocktail.

The kind they have in those little jars.

I like the way they look,

kind of elegant.

I always wanted one of those.

You shall have it.

Thank you, Mother.

Proud of the old lady.

- But I think you should...

- Oh, no.

Are all these kids yours?

- Hi, Mom.

- Yes. If it's all right,

they were going to call out the time

so I could stay on schedule.

Oh, I don't know.

I don't see any problem with that.

And any help you happen

to give Mrs. Ryan in filling her cart

won't be seen by me.

So, then, are you ready?

Hold on.

- Didn't like the way that sounded.

- Thank you.

All set?

Go!

Go! Faster!

- I think we should split up.

- OK.

I'll take the frozen section,

you take the European food aisle.

- What do you want, hon?

- Oh, caviar, expensive things.

The good stuff, not the ordinary.

Gotcha.

Marge, go!

Seven minutes to go!

Three minutes. Come on!

One minute left!

I got you some goose pate.

You ever had that?

- No.

- Let me know what it's like.

I got all the after-dinner mints,

the Swiss chocolate,

two bags of English toffees

and a couple bags of coffee mints.

Grab and move on. Where to?

- Produce!

- What for?

Exotic, anything grown

in a foreign country.

- Does Hawaii count?

- Yes.

Thirty seconds!

Time!

I got your shrimp cocktail!

I got your shrimp cocktail!

That was... great.

- We're gonna eat good tonight.

- Yep.

Well done.

Look at all this food

and candy and sugar and sweets!

And lobster!

Let's see, what else?

Anybody want an artichoke heart?

- What do you think?

- This is really good.

- Here, try it.

- Yeah, they're really good.

What's this?

Litchi nuts from China.

- Oh, I see.

- What do they taste like?

Go get the can opener

and let's try one.

Litchi nuts, who the hell

would want to eat that?

What are you looking for?

I'm looking for hamburger.

I have a steak all ready for you.

I don't want steak.

I want hamburger.

Oh, look at this.

Hearts of palm, from a palm tree,

can you believe it?

These are capers.

They come from Spain.

Try one.

No, thank you.

Oh, come on. It's an adventure.

But they're green and yicky.

Please put that food

back in the freezer.

I don't want everything to thaw.

Capers, my ass.

I think it's time we tried some caviar.

Now...

...caviar is one...

...of the finest delicacies...

...in...

...the Western world.

It comes from Russia.

And we are about to become...

...the very first Ryans...

...to ever taste it.

- What is it?

- Fish eggs.

Dick, Bub, Rog,

would you like to try it?

- No, I'll stick with coconut.

- No, thank you.

- Tuff?

- No, thanks.

Do you know that U.S. Army research

has shown a relationship

between intelligence and a willingness

to eat unfamiliar foods?

Are those really fish eggs?

I just can't.

Oh, well. More for me then.

It's marvelous.

Oh, my goodness.

My sweet goodness.

How is your supper?

Not very good.

Your shrimp cocktail is in the fridge.

They say it's good if you

squeeze a little lemon on top.

Thank you, Mother.

Enjoy it, Dad.

All right, what will we open next?

Anybody here like lobster?

We'll try a little of that.

And... what else do we have?

We have some button mushrooms...

Come on over here.

Sit down with us.

Let's see, what else do we have?

An artichoke heart,

want an artichoke heart?

- Sure.

- Very good.

Come on. You can share my seat.

Sit down.

Oh, yeah. Look at those little pickles.

Look at that.

Dad, you gotta try this. It's amazing.

Should I open the sardines?

Who's gonna eat those?

- I won't.

- All right, these are mine.

Let's see, what else do we have here?

- Can I try this?

- Do try it. It's just delicious.

Put it on the little cracker.

- These are good.

- Aren't they?

Are you sick of candy yet, honey?

- No, I will never be sick of candy.

- Not yet.

- It's good.

- Yes, I know.

That one's mine.

What about these little white thingies?

- Thanks, sweetheart.

- This stuff isn't too cracked.

- Mom, it's yesterday's paper.

- Oh, throw that out.

For the next four years I would win

a steady stream of small prizes

that would keep us functioning,

never flush.

I won two ice buckets,

ten pairs of galoshes,

one sled, which arrived

just in time, I might add,

fifteen ice crushers,

a case of dog food,

a pair of Arthur Murray dancing shoes,

a Brownie camera,

one free window installation,

an outboard motor,

eight pogo sticks,

a palm tree, which promptly died,

a lifetime supply of bird seed...

...and a pony,

which we had to sell

to pay the electric bill.

In the meantime, my eldest, Lea Anne,

left home to go to nursing school.

"Travel handsome, travel light.

Travel always with Samsonite. "

And my sons, Dick and Bub,

both got signed to play

with the Detroit Tigers.

How do you like that?

So far, three of my chicks

have found their wings

and I am so very proud of them.

That is where my prayers went.

That's where they all went.

Give a little back.

Let me get serious.

It's for a good cause.

You know why they left?

'Cause we live in a hole.

A hole without a ladder.

I like Beech-Nut so much,

I'm going to help them

sponsor a contest.

With the folks out there,

they can win all kinds of big prizes.

- Do you want your notebook?

- Yes, thank you.

You want to know

who dug that hole? I did.

Holy moley.

Are you gonna eat that, Jerry?

Nope, but I'm gonna sing about it.

And the folks out there

are gonna fill in the words.

Well, all right.

It's my dum-dee-dum-dee-dum

Dum-dee-dum-dee-dum sandwich

Dum-dee-dum-dee-dum

Dum-dee-dum-dee-dum sandwich

Hole in the ground

Don't make a sound sandwich

My stuff it in the mouth

Chomp and swallow south sandwich

- That's a good one, Mom.

- You can have it.

I'm jerk and a dope

and I ain't got a hope sandwich.

My back the deli truck

To the lips and suck sandwich

I'm a moron and a mutt

And I made you a nut sandwich

Good one, Dad.

I'm a chump in a slump

And I live in a dump sandwich

My frisk the Frigidaire

Clean the cupboards bare sandwich

- Are you listening to me?

- Yes, I'm listening.

- You know what your problem is?

- No, I don't.

You're too damn happy.

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