The Prize Winner of Defiance, Ohio Page #4

How do you come up with these things?

I don't know. They just...

come to me, I guess.

That was really funny.

- Hey, kids.

- Hi, Daddy.

- You're home early.

- I don't feel so hot.

My head hurts.

Did they pay you for the full day?

I don't know. I didn't ask.

I felt so lousy

I had to get out of there.

Milk delivery!

I'm glad you're here.

I need four dollars for the milkman.

What's he showing up

so late in the day for?

I don't know.

What difference does it make?

What happened

to the money I gave you?

What do you think happened?

I used it to pay the bills.

- I'm leaving.

- I'll be right there.

We're out of milk,

would you please give me money?

I don't have any.

Of course you don't.

It's all in those bottles.

- I'm sorry. I'll have to owe you.

- I'm not going to leave the milk.

- I always pay you back.

- That's not the point, is it?

Listen, I'm not a rich man,

but I never owed anyone anything.

You're a better person than I am.

We're in the same boat.

But I am not going to do the paddling

while you sit back

with your hand in the water.

You're absolutely right.

But my children need milk.

Please don't make them suffer

because I am delinquent

in my payments.

Please.

If you don't pay me next week

I'm cutting you off my route.

I understand.

Thank you.

- That was pleasant.

- Hey.

You think money grows on trees?

I work my ass off in that

stinking sweatshop all day long.

- You get to do whatever you want.

- Whatever I want?

Sit around writing

in your stupid notebooks.

Those notebooks are the only reason

this family isn't living on the street.

Do you want to trade places with me?

- Mommy!

- Jesus!

- What was that?

- What happened?

Oh, Jesus! She slipped.

- Daddy was yelling at her.

- What did you do to her?

It was an accident!

I wouldn't hurt your mother!

I think somebody

should get Mrs. Bidlack.

We don't need Mrs. Bidlack.

Get away from the glass.

Would somebody please help me up?

Sweet Christ, Mother.

- Would somebody help me up?

- Stay back.

For goodness sakes, just move.

Hold on. I'll take you to the hospital.

Let me get my...

No, you are not!

You almost killed her!

I didn't do anything! I swear!

I think it's best

if you just stay put.

Oh, my God!

My sweet God! What?

Would you get a towel

so I don't make a mess in the car?

- I'll get it.

- Where's my purse?

- Would you like me to call the police?

- That won't be necessary.

- Here.

- Honey, could you hook it over my arm?

Thank you.

- Here, Mother.

- For Pete's sake.

What am I supposed to do with that?

If you wouldn't mind mopping

so it doesn't warp the wood,

I'll go over the rest of it later.

- I'll take your mother to the hospital.

- I'm all right.

- You know the worst part?

- What?

A quart of milk got sucked up

inside my girdle.

Oh, my dear.

- Please don't die, Mommy.

- It was an accident.

Everything all right in there?

The question is...

This is a presidential election year.

If a qualified woman

were running for president,

how would you feel about voting for her

and why.

If the men candidates were qualified,

I feel I would vote against her.

My reasons being

that women are very high-strung

and emotional people.

They aren't knowledgeable enough...

- Mom!

- Here we go, special delivery.

- Oh, we missed you so much.

- Be careful of her.

I'm not that fragile.

Thank you for taking me.

- Any time.

- See, it's not so bad.

Hello, Mother. How's it going?

Well, I got lucky.

Doctor said I was half an inch away

from severing a ligament.

Oh, see, kids.

Your mother's as good as new.

I have dinner set, here's a cup of tea.

Why don't you sit down?

First thing I'd like to do

is take off this wet girdle,

if you could help me,

I can't use my hands just yet.

OK. Go on, kids,

supper's on the table.

- Are you OK?

- I'm fine, sweetheart.

'Course she's OK.

It's all right, boys.

Go ahead, get something to eat.

I think what...

...hurt more than anything was

the dig you made about my contesting.

You know, I couldn't be prouder of you.

You know that?

It's just... the thing is...

...the guys at the shop...

Anytime you win something, it's...

..."Oh, we know

who the breadwinner is. "

- It ain't me.

- Goodness.

They're justjealous.

Why do you even listen to them?

All I want in this world

is to make you happy.

I don't need you to make me happy.

I just need you to

leave me alone when I am.

Spilled milk? Don't cry.

Unless, of course, it's hip high.

I don't cry over milk,

spilled or otherwise.

I just wish I had spilled

a smaller other size.

Spilled milk can't be poured,

if it's spreadin' 'cross the floor.

But no need for tears or sorrow.

There's always more to spill tomorrow.

- Hello?

- Hello.

I'm calling on behalf of Beech-Nut Gum

"Name That Sandwich" contest.

May I speak to Mr. Bruce Ryan?

Yes, hold on one moment, please.

Bruce!

My frisk the Frigidaire

Clean the cupboards bare sandwich

Oh, baby

You have won a Triumph TR3 sports car

and an all expenses paid

weekend trip to New York City

for you and one parent.

- Can I bring my mom?

- You sure can, son.

Everyone move in a little.

Enjoy that car.

I think my church dress will do

for our dinner at Sardi's.

But for sightseeing, I'm gonna

need something a little more casual.

Mom, there's a man

on the phone about Rog.

My goodness.

Don't tell me he won something too.

I only took a few dollars

from the purse.

I put the wallet back so she wouldn't

miss her driver's license or nothing.

Stealing is stealing.

Don't you dare try to justify it.

Don't you dare!

Sorry, Mom.

Do we have to tell Dad?

You thieving little bastard!

- Get back here!

- Stop! Calm down.

He's a criminal

and he won't get away with it.

Next time you set foot in this house,

I'll teach you a lesson

you won't forget!

Mommy, please.

Don't go to New York City.

I'm sorry you didn't

get to go to New York.

Let's just get you

through this next week.

I talked to a friend of mine.

He said the judge

gives guys a choice

between jail and joining the Army.

The Army wouldn't be too bad, would it?

No.

At least you'd learn

how to make your bed.

I wonder what it would

be like to drive this thing.

- You want me to teach you?

- No.

Then I couldn't bear to sell it.

Want me to teach you

how to drive Dad's car?

Better not.

Not enough gas in this world

for all the places I'd like to go.

Go inside and eat your dinner.

It's on the table.

Hi, Mr. Quigley.

Lady friend's writin' ya.

I don't have a lady friend.

Give it time.

- I'm gonna tickle you.

- Careful, it's slippery.

Mom, I think this is for you.

Oh, thank you, Bruce.

Dear Bruce,

I saw your name on

the Beech-Nut win list.

Well, what do you know?

My daughter, Mary Kay,

who's also 16, won second prize.

Gee, what clever kids

your mother and I have.

Watch it!

I live in Payne, Ohio,

just 85 miles away from you

and I'm part of a group of

contesting gals called the Affadaisies.

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