The Prize Winner of Defiance, Ohio Page #5

This is probably not of interest

to a strapping teenage boy as yourself,

but perhaps your mother

would like to join us.

I don't care who did it,

just clean it up!

Well, gotta go before

the house comes down.

Hope we hear from one of you soon.

Sincerely, Don'tha Schaefer.

PS. Since they don't

publish the winning entries,

I'd love to know what yours was.

Here's mine, my daughter's, that is:

My stack it thick and quick

Snack until I'm sick sandwich

Dear Don'tha, I love your entry.

You have a true gift

for inner rhyme and alliteration.

I was particularly impressed by your

cross-rhyming with "stack" and "snack. "

Here's my entry, for what it's worth:

My frisk the Frigidaire

Clean the cupboards bare sandwich

Dear Evelyn,

those judges judged right.

No wonder I came in second.

Talk about a gift for imagery.

You have it, gal.

And you must come to my house

for an Affadaisies meeting.

We've got the creme de la creme

of contesters.

Gladys Tierney,

she is smart as a whip

and won two cars in the

Stay-Puft his and hers contest.

Then there's Betty Yearling

and Betty White.

Cooks extraordinaire.

Betty Y. Is a Pillsbury bake-off winner

with her famous party pork barbeque.

Betty W. Won first place

in the Midwest kitchen cook-off

with her double delight strawberry cake.

And Emma Hartzler,

who's won three fridges

and matching stoves

and a trip to Hawaii.

All from her iron lung.

Kleenex is so handy,

I use it every day.

Cost so little, helps so much,

just blow, then throw away.

Now, listen, Evelyn Ryan.

You are the most notable of us all

and you must be at my house

in two weeks for the first meeting

of the spring.

No excuses.

Now strap on those wings

and fly on over here.

Do you remember that group

of contesters I told you about?

They've invited me to their meeting.

- Where is it?

- Over in Payne.

- Payne's a long way.

- It's only 85 miles.

Yeah, but it still takes gas.

I gotta drive to work,

drive you to the grocery store,

drive the garbage to the dump...

How much do you think I'm left

with at the end of the week?

In fact, I had to enter a football pool

at the gas station just

to win myself some extra fuel.

- You're contesting?

- Yeah.

- Why not?

- You need any hints?

I know how to do a pool.

Well, if you win, you'd have

enough gas to drive me to Payne.

I can'tjust sit in the car

while you gab

with a bunch ofjingle writers

and forget I'm even there.

My Saturdays are precious to me.

Well, all right. I won't ask again.

- That was my entry.

- No, it wasn't. It was mine.

Mom, I won 25 gallons

of gas today in a football pool.

- He didn't win. That was my entry.

- I used Barb's name.

- Barb Ryan was the one that won.

- That was my Barb Ryan.

- I had dibs on her name first.

- Says who?

We made an agreement.

I got Barb, Tuff and Mike.

- I never said you could use my name.

- Don't get smart.

- Did you write this down?

- It was a gentlemen's agreement.

You'll have to split the gas.

He didn't know

about the contest until...

What are you talking about? I told you!

Split the gas.

Oh, for Christ's sake.

- I hope you were telling the truth.

- Honest, Dad's just a sore loser.

All right. I'd like to ask you a favor.

I want to go somewhere.

Would you drive me?

Sure, Mom. I'll take you

anywhere you want to go.

Thank you.

There's tuna fish for sandwiches

and you'll find coleslaw in the fridge.

- What are you doing?

- Just checking the radiator.

Come on, Dad.

We're ready to go.

And if your father

decides to make his chili,

make sure he doesn't burn the pot.

Right. Yeah, I got it.

Plenty of water, oil's fine.

Watch the clutch.

- I know, Pop.

- Get your mother back in one piece.

Bye.

Bye, Mom.

- Bye, sweetie.

- Have fun.

- Thank you.

- Mommy, wait.

- What is it?

- I got a surprise for you.

You did? Show me.

Oh, honey.

Where did you get these?

They grow all over.

I got them from Mrs. Bidlack's yard,

and Mrs. Zitfeld's, and Mrs. Zamone.

Cripes' sakes,

what did you go and go that for?

Jesus. Sorry, Mother.

I'm not good with that woman.

- Turn off the motor.

- Oh, brother.

Oh, my God. My sweet God.

Did you see what your boy did?

I am so sorry.

- Why would you do that?

- He didn't know it was wrong.

He's just a little boy.

Tell me what I can do to make it better.

There is nothing. Do you know how long

I've waited for those tulips to bud?

Tell me what they cost,

I'll reimburse you.

- $40 worth of bulbs.

- Mom, are we going or not?

No, honey, I'm afraid the trip is off.

My gas is already in Dad's car.

How am I going to get that out?

Tell him to use his half now

and you'll use your half later.

I didn't know it was bad.

I thought they were beautiful.

They are beautiful.

They truly are.

All right.

Now let's go make amends.

Good boy.

Give it gas.

OK, put it in first and try again.

Nice and easy.

What are you doing?

- Stop yelling.

- I'm not yelling. You're not listening.

Evelyn, we are all thrilled

and elated to hear

that daughter Tuff

has learned to drive

and she'll be

delivering you to us, at last.

We've moved our meetings

to Emma's in Goshen, Indiana,

which is 100 miles from where you are.

Sorry it's such a hike.

But our gal is eager

to show off her new summer outfit.

Evelyn, I await your arrival...

...with bated breath.

There's bologna for lunch.

If I'm not back for dinner,

heat up some fish sticks,

there's Jell-O in the fridge.

- Yep.

- Mom, we should probably get going.

All right, off we go.

- Don't overuse the brakes.

- You told me.

- No speeding.

- This car barely goes over 40.

- I want your mother back in one piece.

- That's enough.

Miss you already.

- Bye, Mommy.

- Bye, Betsy.

I love you.

Bye, Davey.

- Bye, Mom.

- Bye, Barb.

- You have fun.

- Be good. Listen to your father.

- Be good.

- Bye, Mommy. Bye, Tuff.

More gas.

Bye.

Well, what do you

want to do now, kids?

Defiance, a nice place to leave.

Honey, you can drive

a little faster now.

Oh, my goodness.

We've crossed the state line.

Doesn't look any different.

The grass is much greener on this side.

It is much greener.

Oh, boy.

You can relax, honey.

You're doing just fine.

Gonna be hot today. The girls will

have to wipe me off the floorboards.

Yeah, I'm starting to broil.

Doesn't feel that hot outside.

- Do we have the heater on?

- No.

Let me put the fan on.

That's even worse. Turn it off.

I think the car's overheated.

- Oh, my Scott.

- Maybe we should pull over.

There's a town in a few miles.

I'm sure there's a gas station.

I don't think we're supposed

to drive when the engine's hot.

I say we keep going.

Car's gonna be just fine.

- Hello?

- Ma'am.

- Overheated?

- Yes.

Fan belt's gone. When's the

last time you had it replaced?

Oh, I don't know.

It's my husband's car.

How long will it take to fix?

Take at least an hour for the radiator

to cool down enough for me to open it.

After that, who knows.

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