The Producers Page #11

DE BRIS:

(a little hysterical)

Sing a song! Just sing a song!

64.

LSD:

Here's a little thing I think

you're going to see on the charts

any day. I wrote it last night in

my sleep. It's a Hindu Zen Folk

Rock Ballad.

LSD SINGS "I'M THE VICTIM OF A MULTI-MYSTIC FREAK-OUT." THE

SONG IS GEARED TO THE AU COURANT "RAGA ROCK" BEAT. PHRASES

SUCH AS, "CONNECT WITH THE INFINITE" AND "TURN ON THE

WORLD." LORENZO FINISHES THE NUMBER.

CUT TO BIALYSTOCK, BLOOM, LIEBKIND AND DE BRIS. THEY ARE

STUNNED. BIALYSTOCK IS THE FIRST TO RECOVER.

BIALYSTOCK:

(shouting)

That's our Hitler!

LIEBKIND:

(howls of despair)

Vaaaat???

BIALYSTOCK:

(quickly)

Franz, don't you see, Hitler was a

man of his time. This is a man of

his time.

LIEBKIND:

But he has long hair!

BIALYSTOCK:

Don't look at the outside, look at

the inside. It's the inner Hitler

we're after. The young beautiful

Hitler, who danced his way to glory.

LIEBKIND:

I don't know. I don't know.

DE BRIS:

(he has been studying

LSD intensely)

Could be an exciting piece of off-

beat casting. Of course, we'd have

to do something about that coiffure.

LIEBKIND:

But he's so crazy, he's so sloppy,

he's so... so... American!

65.

BIALYSTOCK:

Franz, trust me. I promise I won't

let you down.

LIEBKIND:

All right, but remember, if you

damage the Fuhrer's reputation, I

kill you.

DISSOLVE TO MARQUEE OF BROADWAY THEATRE. MARQUEE READS:

OPENING TONIGHT - SPRINGTIME FOR HITLER. Directed by ROGER

DE BRIS.

PAN DOWN TO THEATRE ENTRANCE. THE SIDEWALK IS CHOKED WITH

OPENING NIGHTERS, ALL AGLITTER IN DIAMONDS, FURS AND ELEGANT

TUXEDOS. LUXURIOUS BLACK LIMOUSINES PULL UP TO THE CURB,

DEPOSITING THEIR RICH CONTENTS, THE MAJORITY OF WHICH ARE

LITTLE OLD LADIES.

CUT TO LOBBY. THERE IN THE MIDST OF THE SWIRLING CONFUSION

STAND BIALYSTOCK AND BLOOM IN THEIR OPENING NIGHT TAILS.

BIALYSTOCK IS RESPLENDENT IN A BLACK SILK CAPE, LINED IN

CRIMSON SATIN. BLOOM'S TAILS ARE OBVIOUSLY RENTED. THEY

ARE NEAR THE TICKET TAKER. AS SOME OF THE OPENING NIGHT

"SUPPORTERS" ENTER THE THEATRE, THEY SHOUT ENCOURAGEMENTS TO

BIALYSTOCK AND BLOOM. TO EACH OF THE WELL-WISHERS,

BIALYSTOCK RESPONDS WITH A SMILE AND A MUMBLE. THEY GET THE

SMILE, WE HEAR THE MUMBLE.

FIRST WELL-WISHER

(a silver-haired

gentleman in his late fifties)

Good luck, Max, I hope it's a big

hit.

BIALYSTOCK:

(mumbling)

Bite your tongue.

SECOND WELL-WISHER

(a little old lady)

We're gonna do it this time, Bialy,

I just know it.

BIALYSTOCK:

I hope you lose your bloomers.

THIRD WELL-WISHER

(another old lady)

My prayers go with you, Bialy.

BIALYSTOCK:

God Forbid.

66.

CUT TO LIMOUSINE PULLING UP IN FRONT OF THEATRE. DOORMAN

OPENS DOOR, ASSISTS RICH COUPLE OUT OF CAR. LIMOUSINE PULLS

AWAY. A MOTORCYCLE WITH SIDE-CAR ROARS UP TO FRONT OF

THEATRE. AT THE HANDLEBARS, BEAUTIFULLY DECKED OUT IN

TUXEDO AND HIS EVER POPULAR GERMAN HELMET IS FRANZ LIEBKIND.

CAMERA FOLLOWS LIEBKIND AS HE ENTERS LOBBY. HE MAKES HIS

WAY THROUGH THE MILLING THRONG TOWARD BIALYSTOCK AND BLOOM.

LIEBKIND:

(to Bialystock and

Bloom, very seriously)

Gentlemen, this is a very momentous

moment.

HE CLICKS HIS HEELS AND SHAKES HANDS WITH EACH OF THEM.

LIEBKIND:

(to Bloom)

Good luck.

(to Bialystock)

Good luck.

HE STARTS INTO THEATRE, STOPS, TURNS BACK TO BIALYSTOCK AND

BLOOM.

LIEBKIND:

(a mad gleam in his eye)

Tonight, New York. Tomorrow, the

world!

HE TURNS TRIUMPHANTLY AND ENTERS THE THEATRE.

OFF-CAMERA VOICE (GIRL)

Check your hat?

LIEBKIND:

(off camera)

No!!

BIALYSTOCK:

So much for Nutsy Fagin.

BLOOM:

(nudging Bialystock, whispers)

Here comes the Times Drama Critic.

BIALYSTOCK:

Watch closely, as Bialystock drives

the last nail into the coffin.

BIALYSTOCK AMBLES OVER TO THE TIMES CRITIC, WHO HAS STOPPED

TO CHAT WITH SOME PEOPLE.

67.

BIALYSTOCK:

Always delighted to see the

gentlemen of the press. There you

are, sir. Two on the aisle,

compliments of the management.

(he smiles unctuously)

DRAMA CRITIC:

(haughtily accepting tickets)

Thank you. Here, wait a minute.

There seems to be some mistake.

There's a hundred dollar bill

wrapped around these tickets.

BIALYSTOCK:

(conspiratorially)

It's no mistake. Enjoy the show.

DRAMA CRITIC:

(outraged)

Mr. Bialystock, just what do you

think you're doing?

BIALYSTOCK:

I'm bribing you. And if you play

ball, there's a lot more where that

came from.

BIALYSTOCK WINKS AND SAUNTERS OFF.

DRAMA CRITIC:

(blustering with rage)

I... I... I... How dare he! I've

never been so insulted in my life!

The gall of the man! The incredible

gall of the man! I'll fix his wagon.

THE CRITIC STALKS INTO THE THEATRE. AS HE PASSES BIALYSTOCK,

HE CONTEMPTUOUSLY FLINGS THE HUNDRED DOLLAR BILL TO THE

FLOOR. HE DISAPPEARS THROUGH THE DOOR.

OFF-CAMERA VOICE (GIRL)

Check your hat?

DRAMA CRITIC:

(off camera)

No!!

BIALYSTOCK REACHES DOWN, PICKS UP CRUMPLED DOLLAR BILL,

STRAIGHTENS IT OUT, PUTS IT IN HIS POCKET.

68.

BIALYSTOCK:

(grinning like a

Cheshire cat)

Heh, heh, heh. He'll kill us.

FROM INSIDE THE THEATRE, WE HEAR THE OVERTURE BEGINNING.

LIGHTS IN THE LOBBY BLINK.

BLOOM:

Come on, they've started the

overture.

BIALYSTOCK AND BLOOM ENTER THE THEATRE.

CUT TO REVERSE ANGLE. BIALYSTOCK AND BLOOM ENTERING DARKENED

THEATRE. THEY TAKE POSITIONS AT THE BACK OF THE HOUSE.

BLOOM EXTENDS HIS HAND TO BIALYSTOCK. HE INTENDS TO SPEAK

IN A CONFIDENT AND CONTROLLED MANNER BUT WHAT COMES OUT IS

AN HYSTERICAL SHRIEK.

BLOOM:

(casually shrieking)

Well, Max, this is it!!!

HE SCARES HIMSELF AND QUICKLY CLAPS HIS HANDS OVER HIS MOUTH.

BLOOM:

(whispers)

I'm sorry, I'm a little nervous.

BIALYSTOCK:

Relax, in two hours our worries

will be over.

CUT TO STAGE. AS THE OVERTURE IS CONCLUDED, THE CURTAIN

SLOWLY RISES. ON STAGE THERE IS A LINE OF GIRLS DRESSED IN

SEXY STORM TROOPER COSTUMES--BLACK PATENT LEATHER BOOTS, ETC.

THEIR ARMS ARE LINKED ABOUT ONE ANOTHER AS THEY DANCE AND

KICK IN RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL ROCKETTE FASHION.

STORM TROOPER CHORUS

(singing)

Germany was having trouble,

What a sad, sad story.

Needed a new leader

To restore its former glory.

Where, oh, where was he,

Who could that man be,

We looked around,

And then we found,

The man for you and me,

And now its...

69.

THE STORM TROOPER ROCKETTES PART AND FROM ABOVE THEM,

DESCENDING TWIN STAIRCASES, WE SEE TWO LINES OF BEAUTIFUL

SHOWGIRLS, HOLDING HUGE BALLOONS ABOVE THEIR HEADS. ON EACH

BALLOON IS PAINTED A PICTURE OF THE FUHRER. EVERYONE SINGS

AS THEY DESCEND.

ENTIRE CHORUS:

(singing)

"Springtime for Hitler," etc.

CUT TO AUDIENCE. NUMBER ON STAGE CONTINUES.

CLOSE-UP OF MAN AND WOMAN ON AISLE.

WOMAN (DOWAGER)

This is shocking!

CUT TO ANOTHER AREA OF AUDIENCE. ANOTHER COUPLE.

MAN (STUFFED SHIRT)

Outrageous!

CUT TO CRITIC ON THE AISLE, BIALYSTOCK'S P.O.V. HE SCOWLS

AS HE FURIOUSLY MAKES NOTES.

CUT TO BIALYSTOCK AND BLOOM AT BACK OF THEATRE. THEY ARE

SMILING. BIALYSTOCK POINTS TO COUPLE WHO HAVE LEFT THEIR

SEATS AND STARTED UP THE AISLE.

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