The Producers Page #10

DE BRIS:

Yes. Dopey show-girls in gooey

gowns. Two-three-kick-turn! Turn-

turn-kick-turn! It's enough to

make you throw up! At last a

chance to do straight drama! To

deal with conflict, with inner

truth. Roger De Bris presents

history. Of course, I think we

should add a little music. That

whole third act has got to go.

They're losing the war. It's too

depressing. We'll have to put

something in there.

(gripped by his vision)

Aaahghhh! I see it! A line of

beautiful girls, dressed as Storm

Troopers, black patent leather

boots, all marching together...

Two-three-kick-turn! Turn-turn-

kick-turn!

BIALYSTOCK:

That's genius. That's genius.

Roger, I think I speak for Mr.

Bloom and myself when I say that

you're the only man in the world

who can do justice to SPRINGTIME

FOR HITLER.

58.

DE BRIS:

(in one rush)

Wait a minute. This is a very big

decision. It might effect the

course of my entire life. I'll

have to think about it. I'll do it.

DE BRIS EXTENDS HIS HAND. BIALYSTOCK SHAKES IT.

BIALYSTOCK:

Congratulations.

DE BRIS:

(to Carmen)

Get on the phone. Send out a

casting call. Call every agent in

town. I want to see everybody.

Everybody.

DISSOLVE TO STAGE DOOR OF BROADWAY THEATRE. DAY. SIGN ON

DOOR READS:
CASTING TODAY -- SPRINGTIME FOR HITLER.

QUICK DISSOLVE TO INTERIOR OF THEATRE. THE PLACE IS A

MADHOUSE. HUNDREDS OF WOULD-BE HITLERS FILL THE STAGE.

EACH AND EVERY ONE WITH THE FUHRER'S HAIRCUT AND LITTLE

SQUARE MUSTACHE. THERE ARE TALL HITLERS, SHORT HITLERS, FAT

HITLERS, SKINNY HITLERS, METHOD HITLERS, SHAKESPEAREAN

HITLERS, ALL KINDS HITLERS.

CUT TO FIRST ROW OF AUDIENCE. SEATED THERE, WATCHING THE

BEDLAM, ARE BIALYSTOCK AND BLOOM, DE BRIS, CARMEN GIYA AND

FRANZ LIEBKIND.

BIALYSTOCK:

(looking for the

least likely Hitler)

Roger, what about that one? The

fat Hitler on the right?

DE BRIS:

I don't know. I rather fancy that

one.

CUT TO BEAUTIFUL, BLOND, MUSCULAR, YOUNG MAN, WHO LOOKS AS

IF HE IS POSING FOR "BODY BEAUTIFUL." HE BEARS NOT THE

SLIGHTEST RESEMBLANCE TO HITLER EVEN THOUGH HE DOES SPORT A

LITTLE BLACK MUSTACHE.

CUT BACK TO BIALYSTOCK.

BIALYSTOCK:

Not bad. Not bad. What do you

think, Franz?

59.

LIEBKIND:

(very emotional)

I don't know. I don't know. For

some strange reason, I'm deeply

moved.

(he wipes away a tear)

DE BRIS:

(getting to his feet)

Oh, this is bedlam, bedlam. We

must have some order.

DE BRIS, FOLLOWED BY CARMEN, HOPS TO THE STAGE AND ADDRESSES

THE MILLING MOB.

DE BRIS:

(clapping his hands

for attention)

Will all the dancing Hitlers please

wait in the wings. We're only

taking the singing Hitlers.

AS THE DANCING HITLERS LEAVE THE STAGE, CARMEN ARRANGES THE

SINGING HITLERS SO THAT THEY ARE IN A LONG STRAIGHT LINE

AGAINST THE BACK OF THE STAGE WALL. CARMEN READS OUT A NAME

AND THE FIRST SINGING HITLER WALKS DOWNSTAGE TO AUDITION.

EXCEPT FOR A SPORTY LITTLE HITLER MUSTACHE, HE BEARS LITTLE

RESEMBLANCE TO THE FUHRER.

CARMEN:

Arthur Packard.

DE BRIS:

Hello, Arthur. Tell us something

about yourself.

ARTHUR PACKARD:

(in a strangulated

tenor's voice)

I was the lead tenor of the

Albuquerque Opera Company for two

seasons. I just finished a road

tour of STUDENT PRINCE. And last

season I was up for the lead in the

Broadway production of Circus Man.

DE BRIS:

What happened?

ARTHUR PACKARD:

I didn't get it.

60.

DE BRIS:

What are you going to sing for us

Arthur?

AS ARTHUR TELLS HIM THE TITLE OF HIS SONG, DE BRIS MOUTHS IT

WORD FOR WORD TOWARD HIS FRIEND, CARMEN.

ARTHUR PACKARD:

The soliloquy from CAROUSEL.

FROM THE PIT THE PIANO PLAYS A FOUR BAR INTRODUCTION.

ARTHUR PACKARD:

(sings)

My boy Bill will be strong and as

tall as a...

DE BRIS:

Thank you.

ARTHUR SHRUGS AND LEAVES THE STAGE.

DE BRIS:

Next please.

CARMEN:

Jason Green.

JASON GREEN COMES DOWNSTAGE. HE IS A BIG, BARREL-CHESTED

MAN. HE ALSO WEARS HITLER-TYPE MUSTACHE.

DE BRIS:

Well, Jason, what have you been

doing lately?

JASON GREEN:

(in basso profundo)

For the last sixteen years, I've

been touring with "Naughty Marietta."

DE BRIS:

Good. And what are you going to

sing for us, Jason?

AS JASON TELLS HIM THE SONG'S TITLE, DE BRIS ONCE AGAIN

MOUTHS IT WORD FOR WORD WITH HIM.

JASON GREEN:

"Stout-hearted Men."

BEGINNING OF "STOUT-HEARTED MEN" MONTAGE.

THERE IS A SHORT PIANO INTRODUCTION.

61.

JASON GREEN:

(singing)

"Give me some men

Who are stout-hearted men

Who will fight for the right they

adore."

DE BRIS:

(off-camera voice)

Thaaank you.

DISSOLVE TO A NEW HITLER SINGING (LITTLE BALD MAN)

BALD HITLER:

(singing)

"Show me some men

Who are stout-hearted men

And I'll soon show you ten thousand

more."

DE BRIS:

(off-camera voice)

Thaaank you.

DISSOLVE TO ANOTHER HITLER (ITALIAN BASSO)

ITALIAN HITLER:

(singing)

"Shoulder to shoulder and bolder

and bolder

They grow as they march to the war."

DE BRIS:

(voice off camera)

Thaaank you.

DISSOLVE TO DELICATE HITLER

DELICATE HITLER:

(singing)

"There is nothing in this world can

halt or mar our plan."

DE BRIS:

(voice off camera)

Thaank you.

DISSOLVE TO SHORT-HAIRED WOMAN HITLER

SHORT-HAIRED WOMAN HITLER

"When stout-hearted men

Will get together man to man."

62.

DE BRIS:

(voice off camera)

Thaaank you.

CUT TO CARMEN GIYA ON STAGE. IT IS NOW EMPTY.

CARMEN:

Well, that's it.

CUT TO FIRST ROW OF AUDIENCE. SLOW PAN BIALYSTOCK, BLOOM,

DE BRIS, AD LIEBKIND. THEY ARE TIRED, DISHEVELED AND UNHAPPY.

BLOOM:

I think that's enough Hitlers for

one day. Maybe we'll get lucky

tomorrow.

BIALYSTOCK:

You think out of all those Hitlers

you could find just one...

LIEBKIND:

It was the same thing in Germany.

We looked for years before we found

the right Hitler.

FROM OFF-STAGE WE HEAR THE SHARP CLICK OF BOOTS APPROACHING.

ALL EYES TURN TOWARD THE STAGE. FROM OUT OF THE WINGS STEPS

A YOUNG PERSON IN A LEATHER DOUBLET, HIGH LEATHER BOOTS, AND

EXTREMELY LONG HAIR. IT CARRIES A GUITAR. UNTIL IT SPEAKS,

WE ARE NOT SURE WHETHER IT IS A YOUNG MAN OR A YOUNG WOMAN.

(LORENZO ST. DU BOIS)

LSD:

Hey, man.

CARMEN:

I beg your pardon.

LSD:

Is this where they're auditioning

Boomerang?

CARMEN:

(studying him coldly)

No, I'm afraid you've wandered into

the wrong theatre.

LSD:

(to himself, as he

starts to leave)

Man, freaked out again.

63.

BIALYSTOCK:

(leaping to his feet)

Wait! This is Boomerang. This is

Boomerang.

DE BRIS:

(to Bialystock)

What are you saying?

BIALYSTOCK:

Let's hear him. What have we got

to lose?

(to LSD)

What's your name?

LSD:

Lorenzo Saint DuBois. But everybody

calls me LSD.

DE BRIS:

What have you done, LSD?

LSD:

Six months, I'm out on probation,

but it's cool now, baby.

DE BRIS:

I mean in show business.

LSD:

Oh, in show business. Well, let's

put it this way, my next job will

be my debut.

DE BRIS:

What do you do best?

LSD:

Hey, man, I can't do that here,

that's what they put me away for.

DE BRIS:

Oh, sing. Sing!

LSD:

Hey, baby, that's where they put

me, Sing-Sing. How'd you know

that, you been up?

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